The Daily Lives of Snake and Otacon
by Otaku Tess
Summary: [Snake and Otacon join FFAG, details within.] The Daily Lives of Philanthropy are back! ^_^ w00t!
1. Groceries and Guns

**Snake:**Eww...  
**Otacon:**_Oh, spare me._  
**Otacon:**_*fixes his glasses* Honestly. You're so immature._  
**Otacon:**_Get your mind out of the proverbial gutter._  
**Snake:**_:::Reads Porno Mag:::  
_What?  
**Otacon:**_*rolls eyes* Look, I have a mission for you._  
**Snake:**_Infiltrate the store filled with porno mags and get you one, right?_  
**Otacon:**_*slaps a piece of paper into his hand*_  
**Otacon:**_Close._  
**Otacon:**_We're out of milk._  
**Otacon:**_Go to the store._  
**Otacon:**_And you didn't pay the rent, so you have to buy the groceries._  
**Otacon:**_And NO booze, and NO cigarettes. Got it?_  
**Snake:**Sure...  
_:::Fingers crossed behind back:::_  
**Snake:**9 . 9  
**Otacon:**_Everything we need is on the list. u_u Go on, get a move on, you sponge._  
**Otacon:**_*blinks* ..._  
  
A few minutes later...  
  
**Snake: **_Otacon, I'm on top of the store ... how am I supposed to get in?  
:::Loads .45 SOCOM:::  
****_Otacon:_*playing a computer game* ... ?_  
**Otacon:**_Ahhh!_  
**Otacon:**_Snake, what the hell are you doing?!_  
**Snake:**_What? You told me to infiltrate the damn thing..._  
**Otacon:**_Go in the _door_ for pete's sake!_  
**Snake:**_:::Checks FAMAS:::_  
**Snake:**_..._  
**Snake:**_Why? It's more fun this way._  
**Otacon:**_This is not rocket science. This is going to the store._  
  


**... to be continued...  
(what chaos will ensue??)**


	2. Glasses and Cigs

**Disclaimer: **_Metal Gear Solid, Snake, Otacon, et. al. belong to Hideo Kojima and Konami. ^_^ We're just borrowing them. All fan Characters are © Bad Ronald and Otaku Tess, though. But, if you want to use them, we certainly won't stop you, just give us credit somewhere along the line. ^_~****_  


  
  
  
"The Daily Lives of Snake and Otacon"  


  


By: Bad Ronald and Otaku Tess**  
**

  
  
Otacon:_*fixes his glasses* _Gaaah! Stop sliding down my face, dammit!!!!  
**Snake:** ....  
**Snake: **_:::LIghts smoke:::_  
**Otacon:**_*too busy wondering why he doesn't just get rubber stoppers to notice him* _Blaah!  
**Otacon:**_*takes off his glasses and throws them on the floor*_  
**Otacon:**Ahhh!  
**Snake:**_:::Breaths deep:::_  
**Otacon:**I can't see!  
**Otacon:**_*runs around frantically*_  
**Snake:** _:::Exhales out smoke, laughing:::_  
**Otacon:**_*runs into Snake* _ooph!  
**Otacon:**_*falls backwards*_  
**Otacon:**_@_@_  
**Snake:**Uh-Oh...  
**Snake:**Oh, whew...  
**Snake:**_:::Continues smoking:::_  
**Otacon:**_*sniffsniff*_  
**Snake:**_...._  
**Snake:****_...!_**  
**Otacon:**_*gets up* _  
**Snake:**_:::Backs away:::_  
**Otacon:**Can I ask you something?  
**Snake:**_Yeah?_  
**Otacon:**How do black and crispy lungs sound?  
**Snake:**_...._  
**Snake:**_:::Continues smoking:::_  
**Snake:**_Ahhh..._  
**Otacon:**Cause that's what you're going to have if you don't stop smoking. u_u And that's a fact.  
**Otacon:**Hey!  
**Otacon:**Snake!  
**Snake:** _Oh, sorry what were you saying?_  
**Otacon:**_*tryes to take it away, but can't see*_ _*Steps on his glasses*_  
**Otacon:**o_O  
**Otacon:**Ahhhhh!!  
**Otacon:**Look what you made me do!   
**Snake:**_:::Simply pulls smoke away from him and laughs when he steps on glasses:::_  
**Snake:**_Get rubber stoppers next time..._  
**Otacon:**You're so mean, Snake. _*picks up his shattered glasses and puts them on all broke*_ eeee....  
**Otacon:**_>(_  
**Snake:**_:::Smokes:::_  
**Otacon:**That's it. I am leaving you. u_u  
**Snake:**_Ahh..._  
**Snake:**_...._  
**Snake:**_You never had me in the first place, eww..._  
**Snake:**_:::backs away:::_  
**Otacon:**_:P  
  
_  
**GoodnightMyAngeI:**Okay.  
**Booyah5567:**:D  
**GoodnightMyAngeI:**That was getting crazy.  
**GoodnightMyAngeI:**Now. Let's post it on FF.net and get on with our lives.  
**GoodnightMyAngeI:**u_uO  
  



	3. Rent and Mags

**Otacon:**_I am wondering why my glasses won't stay on the right part of my nose._  
**Otacon:**_*fixes his glasses*_  
**Snake:**Maybe your nose is slanted.  
_:::Reads porno mag:::_  
**Otacon:**_*Looking at bills through taped up glasses* Hey, Snake... when are you going to pay your half of the rent?_  
**Otacon:**_What was that? *looks up*_  
**Snake:**_:::When I actually get paid for being a mercenary:::  
Here...  
:::Hands out a one dollar bill:::  
That's all I have. Spent all of it on Jack Daniels and Lucky Srikers.  
:::Takes out a pack of Lucky Strikers smokes:::_  
**Otacon:**_Snake, one dollar is NOT rent.... *takes the dollar anyway*  
****_Snake:_How much do I owe?_  
**Otacon:**_What are you reading? *Snatches the magazine, glances over at it* ¬_¬ O_O *gets a nose bleed* _  
**Snake:**_...._  
**Snake:**_What's the matter, never seen a girl in that position before?_  
**Snake:**_:::Glances at mag:::  
Come to think of it, I haven't either. 9 . 9 iii  
  
_Hmmm.... Yeah. I know it's "Out of character" But NOT if you take the characters to their complete extreems!!!! .... Good news and bad news: There's probably more to come. >) 


	4. Jiminy Glick - Interlude

**We take a brake from our normal "Random Goofyness" to bring you... different Random Goofyness. This was compiled by my brother and I!   
  
SOLID SNAKE ON JIMINY GLICK!!!!  
**

  
GLICK:"So, Solid Snake, what is it **exactly that you do**..."  
**SNAKE:**"Uh. I'm a mercenary."  
**GLICK:**"So you're like a soldier of fortune?"  
**SNAKE:**"No."  
**GLICK:**"Oh well... I **can just throw away these questions** then...."  
**SNAKE:** "Errr...."  
**GLICK: ** "Snake, you are like the **strong silent type, eh**?  
**SNAKE:** "... *Blinks* "  
**GLICK:**"Now, you work for a group called 'Philanthropy'?"  
**SNAKE:**"Yeah..."  
**GLICK:**"**Now**, 'Philanthropy' that's a peice of gym equipment, right?"  
**SNAKE:**"No... uhh... I think you're thinking of 'Trampoline.'"  
**GLICK:**"**Oh, you're smart too**! I LOVE IT!!"  
**GLICK:**"You know, I love a good trampoline. I did trampoline back in **high school.**"  
**GLICK:**"I won the men's tumbling competition. Do you do any **tumbling**, Snake?"  
**SNAKE:**"..."  
**GLICK:**"OKAY! Now, you have a partner, right?"  
**SNAKE:**"Yeah..."  
**SNAKE:**"His name is Otacon."  
**GLICK:**"OH! OtaKon!"  
**GLICK:**"I went there with my brother Joe, back in '93... And i'd have to say that those are the **strangest cartoons I've ever seen.**.."  
**GLICK:**"Do you like the Japanese cartoons, Snake? ** Cause I just love 'em**!"  
**SNAKE:**"Uhm... They don't really make any sense to me..."  
**GLICK:**"**O-hohoho...**. And that's all the time we have -- thanks for coming Solid Snake."  
**SNAKE:**" *Looks around in confusion* "  
  



	5. X-box and Booze

**OTACON:***fixes her glasses anxiously* Honestly. X-box...  
**SNAKE:**_:::Plays X-Box:::  
_Yeah! This is fun!_  
:::All of a sudden, the X-Box breaks down:::  
_The hell?!   
**OTACON:***playing a computer game* o_O What the hell?! I thought you went to the store!  
**SNAKE:**_I am in the store!   
No!  
It wasn't me!  
Dammit, Otacon, they think I broke the X-Box display!_  
**SNAKE:**_Otacon, please! You're my only hope!  
:::Gets beaten by an old lady:::  
Ow! Stop it!_  
**OTACON:**Ah! DAMMIT.... *sighs, sitting back from the computer for a minute* Well, at least your in the store now.  
**OTACON:**Look. What's going on?  
**OTACON:**Snake?  
**SNAKE:**_DAMMIT, I TOLD YOU TO STOP!  
:::Pulls out SOCOM:::  
:::Frantic screaming can be heard:::  
Whoops..._  
**OTACON:***sigh* How the mighty have fallen...  
**OTACON:**Snake. What the hell is going on? -- Would you PLEASE just do the shopping without any pyrotechnics???  
**SNAKE:**--Why? It's more fun this way. :D--  
**SNAKE:**_Crap! The cops!  
:::Runs out of store, clutching a handful of Jack Daniels and Lucky Strickers:::  
Wait...  
:::Looks at beer and cigs:::  
What was I supposed to get?_  
**OTACON:**Milk, eggs, a novelty loaf of bread that will stick out of the top of the bag, frosted flakes...  
**OTACON:**Chicken would be good.  
**OTACON:**Maybe some Oreos.  
**OTACON:**You have the list, don't you?  
**OTACON:**Oh, and Peanut butter. And smooth, not chunky. I hate chunky.  
**SNAKE:**Oh...  
_:::Keeps running with cops screaming obscenities behind him:::  
_Yeah... Umm... Otacon, I have good news and bad news ... which one do you want to hear first?  
_:::Clutches pack of Jack Daniels and smokes as if his life depended on it:::_  
**OTACON:**Uhm.... *doesn't like the sound of this* How about the bad? Because then the good will seem all the better, and the bad won't seem _as_ bad, if the good is the last thing I hear.  
**OTACON:**Err... But wait.  
**OTACON:**Maybe I should hear the good first.  
**OTACON:**Because then ... the good will cushion the blow of the bad news.  
**SNAKE:**_:::Opens mouth to speak:::_  
Uh...  
**OTACON:**Or, maybe you could try to say them both at the same time.  
**OTACON:**Then I won't have to worry about hearing them in any particular order.  
**SNAKE:**Ok!  
**OTACON:**Good. Try that.  
**SNAKE:**The bad news: I've only got Jack Daniels and cigs. I ran out before I could get anything else...  
The good news: I've got Jack Daniels and cigs.  
_:::Keeps running:::_  
**OTACON:**Dammit, Snake! Mission Failed!  
**SNAKE:**Not for me!  
_:::Looks behind him:::  
_Whew, they're gone...  
_:::Cop cruiser skids in front of him:::  
_Uhh...  
**OTACON:**A man can't live on alcohol alone!  
**OTACON:**.... Snake? *long pause*  
**OTACON:***sighs and rolls back over to the computer, plays _Tomb Raider III_* *To himself* Geez, this game is boring. *Fixes his glasses*  
**OTACON:**Get to me whenever you feel like it, Sponge -- I mean, Snake.  
**SNAKE:**_:::Jumps over cruiser, and runs:::  
_I'm getting way too old for this... and I'll never go get the groceries ever again...  
_:::Runs to Otacon's house and gets inside:::  
_Whew... safe at last!   
_:::Sees that he has dropped the booze and cigs somewhere behind:::  
_....  
**_NOOOOO!!!!!!_**  
**OTACON:**Die, tiger thing...! *Absently* Oh, hey Snake. Didjaget the stuff?  
**SNAKE:**.....  
_:::Walks away grumbling:::  
****_OTACON:Snake...?  
**OTACON:***lets out an irritated sigh, gets up silently, walks out to the car, gets in and drives away*  
**OTACON:***Comes back about a half an hour later with the groceries, none of which are Booze or Cigs*  
**OTACON:**Snake. Come bring in the groceries. It's the least you could do. u_u *fixes his glasses*  
**SNAKE:**.........  
_:::Reads porno mag:::  
_...!  
_:::Looks up:::  
_Where are the booze and cigs?  
_:::Runs in excited:::_  
**OTACON:**There are none, you black-lunged, appendage.  
**OTACON:**180 IQ my spleen.  
**SNAKE:**......  
_:::Goes off and gets in Otacon's car without his permission and drives off to get some booze and cigs:::  
****_SNAKE:Heh heh...  
Jack Daniels... Lucky Strikers... Here I come!  
**OTACON:***finishes putting stuff away when he realizes Snake took off with the car* Arrg... You jerk. You're organs are floating in a sea of gin!  



	6. Fictional and FanFics

**Snake and Otacon:  
_On being fictional.... Sort of._  
  
**This would be the point in the series where we are highly susceptible to flames. I would just like to say that we don't mean anything by mentioning these fics. Chances are we liked all of them. (Except the Sniper Wolf/Snake one. Speaking for myself, rather than Bad Ronald.) It just kinda came out this way. ... Sheesh, these are getting dumber by the minute. LoL, have fun.**  
**

  
SNAKE:_*Reads a fic on FF.net*_ Woah... I just can't believe you didn't tell me about this. _ *Points to screen*_  
_:::Smokes cig:::_  
**OTACON:***Looks over his shoulder at it* Hey, it's not my fault. Just because my daddy raped me. -- Wait. I'm so confused.  
**SNAKE:**Yeah, well, guess what? Big Boss has a girl counterpart and I fall in love with her ... at least according to a story someone posted in FF.Net.  
_:::Points to Laptop:::  
_See?  
_:::Swigs beer:::_  
**OTACON:**I am filled with various character interpretations!  
**SNAKE:**No duh. No one completely knows about your past, Otacon...   
**OTACON:**Well. I do.  
**OTACON:**... I think.  
**SNAKE:**Well, only you do. Anyway...  
_:::Clicks mouse while swigging beer:::  
_The fic is Pixie...Invisible Snake ... by noonelivesforever...  
**OTACON:**Dammit. Being a fictional character sucks.  
**SNAKE:**I agree ... being a fictional character sucks ... all the girls are made up.  
**OTACON:***clenches fists anime style* Yeah!   
**SNAKE:**Otacon... Otacon!  
**SNAKE:**_*Looks at fic* _I just found out they're harboring a new Metal Gear.  
**OTACON:**GrrRrrRr.... Blah! Nobody ever sets "themselves" up with me!   
**SNAKE:**Nuh-uh!   
_:::Clicks laptop:::  
_See! Ari set me up with a girl who wishes me to life. And I'm 18. So she didn't set **_herself _** up with me ... there's a difference.  
**OTACON:**No love for the Otaku!  
**OTACON:**All those little fan fic author girls... Setting themselves up with you! What's so great about you!  
**OTACON:***pant pant pant*  
**SNAKE:**Yeah, I know. I loooove it!  
**SNAKE:**And I got young, to boot! _*looks at another fan fic*_  
**SNAKE:**...  
Err...  
But you've got Sniper Wolf.  
_:::Looks at Laptop:::  
_Wow ... thisMetal Gear is almost indestructible...  
**OTACON:**Blaaah!  
**OTACON:**No nonono!   
**OTACON:**She flirted with you, Baka!  
**SNAKE:**_:::Types::::  
_Now then...  
**OTACON:**And, and, and, my step Mom raped me! My life's a living hell... But Otacon can't do anything.... NoOoOOooOoo... Otacon's the eternal optimist! *twitch twitch*  
**OTACON:***grabs his beer* Give me that. *drinks it* ¬_¬  
**SNAKE:**Hey!  
**SNAKE:**Want a light, too?  
**OTACON:**No.  
**OTACON:***drinks the beer*  
**OTACON:**Any JDs? ¬_¬  
**SNAKE:**You know ... the stuff you just drank was a little heavier than Jack Daniel's...  
_:::Eyes bottle in Otacon's hand:::  
****_OTACON:What? It's_ just_ beer isn't it? *Holds the bottle out at arms length* o_O  
**SNAKE:**_:::Looks at label:::  
_Jack Daniel's Special ... thingy.  
_:::Looks at watch, then sweatdrops:::  
_Uhh ... according to experience, you'll fall unconscious right about ... now.  
**OTACON:** *Falls over* eeee....  
**SNAKE:**_:::Groans:::  
_Drags Otacon to bedroom. You shouldn't take being a fictional character really seriously ... but man ... that time with Sniper Wolf...  
_:::Drools:::_  
**OTACON:***opens eyes groagily* Hey. Whaddajoo talkin' about?  
**SNAKE:**Uhh ... nothing...  
_:::Stands Otacon up:::  
_Forget it.  
**OTACON:**Whadda ya talkin' about? *flops over against him*  
**OTACON:***snicker* "Grrr.... baby." *doapy drunken grin*  
**SNAKE:**Urk! Stop drooling!   
_:::Pushes Otacon off him:::  
_I was just talking about the time I had sex with Sniper Wolf..err...  
**OTACON:**Oh... .... ... What??  
**OTACON:***sobered for a moment* Snake, how could you...?? o_O  
**SNAKE:**Uhh-uhh...  
_:::Panics:::  
_No! It was according to a fanfic!  
**SNAKE:**By ... uhh ... some guy named Andy Boi!   
**OTACON:***flops against him again* >_  
**OTACON:***hangs onto his shoulder*  
**SNAKE:**Yes, I know, Otacon...  
You never get the good ones...  
_:::Slaps Otacon's shoulder while feeling sorry for him:::  
_Just let it all out...  
**OTACON:**......... WAAH!!!!! *waterfall of tears*  
**OTACON:**I don't know what is real anymore!  
**OTACON:**My life is a mess!  
**OTACON:**What will become of us!  
**OTACON:**What if there's no MGS2 sequel!  
**OTACON:**Our lives hang in the very balance.  
**SNAKE:**_:::Gets drenched:::  
_Hey!  
Otacon, cheer up! There was a fanfic where you were this cool guy in an action fic! And you had Mei-Ling!  
_:::Snickers:::  
::::Whispers:::  
_Like that would happen...  
**OTACON:**Eeeee, *Changes to conversational, if not drunken, tones* ---but, about wolf.... itsokay. s'was a'long time'ago, an' I fergive you.  
**SNAKE:**Otacon, that was a fic....  
**SNAKE:**It really wasn't real, I didn't do Wolf.  
_:::Trails off:::  
_Although I wish I did ... what a hottie...  
**OTACON:**Hey. Shut up.  
**OTACON:**>(  
**SNAKE:**Uhh... That's just the booze talking, Otacon.  
_:::Pats shoulder vigorously:::  
  
_

**To be continued.  
Why?? WHY????**


	7. Figures and Replacements

**SNAKE AND OTACON:  
ON BEING FICTIONAL... PART II  
**  
BY: Bad Ronald and Otaku Tess**  
  
**

  
SNAKE:Otacon ... what's with that?  
_:::Points to Otacon's Neon Genesis Evangelion models:::_  
**_OTACON_:***picks up Rei* What's with what? u_u  
**_OTACON_:***looks at his action figures, while holding Rei away from Snake* They're only the _coolest_.  
**SNAKE:**_:::Hear a knock on the door:::  
_Hmm?  
_:::Goes to door:::  
****_Mailman: Oh, hi. Special Delivery to a... Solid Snake?  
**SNAKE:** Yeah, that's me.  
**Mailman:** Sign here, please.  
**SNAKE:** :::Signs paper:::  
**Mailman:** Have a nice day.  
**SNAKE:** _:::Looks at box:::  
_...?  
...!  
They're the MGS1 & 2 action figures I ordered on Ebay!  
_:::Opens box:::  
:::Peers inside:::  
_Uhh... I say these are way cooler than what you have, Otacon.   
**OTACON:***Still clutching Rei, looks in box*  
**OTACON:**What? No they're not.  
**OTACON:***holds Rei in his face* Look at her. She's cuter than you... u_u   
**SNAKE:**Yes, they are!  
Look at me!  
_:::Holds Snake figure in Otacon's face:::  
_I've got a SNEER!  
**OTACON:**Oh..  
**OTACON:**Grizzly.  
**OTACON:***fishes around in box*  
**SNAKE:**But look at Wolf!  
_:::Holds Wolf in face:::  
_...!  
_:::Digs in box:::  
_Heh heh... no love for the Otaku. You don't have one...  
**OTACON:**Nono.  
**OTACON:**There's gotta be.  
**OTACON:***Digs in box, falls in* Ah!  
**SNAKE:**_:::Takes Otacon out:::_  
Nope. Look at the figure line up.  
_:::Shoves paper in Otacon's face, with a lineup of MGS and MGS 2 figurines::::  
****_OTACON:*comes out covered in bubble wrap and packing paper*  
**SNAKE:**No Otacon ... sorry, pal.  
**OTACON:***looks at list* This is an outrage! o_O  
**SNAKE:**Geez, calm down. McFarlane just didn't want to waste time making ... uhh ... err... He was busy, yeah, that's it.  
_:::Pats Otacon's shoulder:::  
****_OTACON:I am interracial to the plot of both games!!!  
**OTACON:**Why on gods-green-earth don't I have an action figure??  
**SNAKE:**You are part of the game and plot, but if you were a figure, what would you come with? A laptop?  
_:::Snickers:::  
****_OTACON:Yes! Yes I would come with a lap top. u_u *fixes his glasses*  
**OTACON:**Does Meryl have an action figure?  
**SNAKE:**_.............  
:::Pulls out Meryl figure::: *DROOLS*  
_Yep.  
**OTACON:***Snatches it* Hey! Snake. Get ahold of yourself.  
**SNAKE:**But you're not exciting!  
_:::Turns to look at Wolf's figure:::_  
**OTACON:***Drops Meryl and snatches Wolf* Let me see!  
**OTACON:***drool* Eeee.... *looks at it from a few angles* You're right. Nice Detail. *wistles*  
**SNAKE:**Hey!  
_:::Snatches Wolf Figure:::  
_Get ahold of yourself!  
_:::Looks at Wolf's figure:::  
_Whoa, nice detail. McFarlane rocks. These could use a little more articulation, tho.  
_:::Drools over Wolf's "assets":::_   
**OTACON:**Woo. Boy.  
**OTACON:**She puts the "Ass" back in Assassin.  
**OTACON:***Gives Snake a sly, pert grin*  
**SNAKE:**.....  
_:::Gives Wolf to Otacon and looks at Meryl figure:::  
_I beg to differ...  
**SNAKE:**_:::Shoves Meryl figure into Otacon's face:::  
_See?  
**OTACON:**And she puts the ... uhh... *blink blink, takes Meryl and looks at her a moment*  
**OTACON:**Give me a minute.  
**OTACON:***Wracks his brain for another clever thing for Meryl* Ahh...  
**SNAKE:**... Don't even think about it.  
_:::Snatches Meryl Figure away:::  
****_OTACON:You're no fun.  
**SNAKE:**At least I have an action figure in my likeness.  
Look at Raven! His scowl is awesome!  
_:::Shoves Vulcan Raven into Otacon's face:::_  
**SNAKE:**And you wouldn't be scowling either. You'd be smiling like an idiot.  
**OTACON:**Ah! *holds arm in front of his face*   
**OTACON:**Well, that explains a lot!  
**OTACON:**No problem with keeping it to yourself, though!  
**SNAKE:**Uhh ... sorry.  
_:::Smiles like an idiot and pats Otacon in the back:::  
_Well, it leaves more to the imagination.  
  
**OTACON:**...? Uhh... Yeah. *ahem*  
**SNAKE:**Yeah! Hey, let's send a note to McFarlane and have him make your figure!  
  
**OTACON:***Picks up Psycho Mantis, With mind reading powers* o_O Hey! I heard that!  
**SNAKE:**...!  
I mean.. "Yeah, sure, he will!"  
- _ -  
**OTACON:**Uh-huh.  
**OTACON:**I hold the power.  
**OTACON:***Wavs Mantis in his face*  
**OTACON:**I am going to read your memory card!  
**SNAKE:**Psycho Mantis? Psycho Mantis is nothing.  
_:::Picks up Liquid:::  
_Now this is cheap. They just had my face plastered on his. Look! He's got my sneer.   
**OTACON:**Haha.  
**OTACON:**You are just a model and you're not an individual.  
**SNAKE:**_.........  
_  
_:::Picks up Ninja:::  
_You know what? I wonder why he has that red circle on his forehead. Is he asking for a bullet or what?  
**OTACON:**AHHH!!! *hides in the box*  
**OTACON:**Get it away!!!!!  
**SNAKE:**_:::Looks at Otacon, confused, then remembers:::  
_Oh, yeah, sorry.  
_:::Picks up Raiden figure:::  
_The hell is this? What's with the mask?  
**OTACON:***Throws mantis at him in a desperate attempt to fend him off* Is he gone yet...?  
**SNAKE:**Ow!  
_:::Hides Ninja figure:::  
_Happy?  
**OTACON***Pokes head out of box* *fixes his glasses nervously* Yes.  
**OTACON:***climbs out of box*  
**SNAKE:**Now then.  
_:::Shows Otacon the MGS2 Raiden figure:::  
_What's this about? I never played MGS2, but you did...  
_:::Looks at Raiden's mask:::  
_Freaky...  
**OTACON:**What the hell?  
**OTACON:**He's a ghost!  
**SNAKE:**.......  
**SNAKE:**........?  
**SNAKE:**.......  
**OTACON:**Lookit, the scary ghost mask!  
**OTACON:**Geez. *looks at figure* Some replacement...  
**SNAKE:**...!  
**SNAKE:**_:::Turns figure over:::  
_Replacement?  
**OTACON:**Well, uhh... I mean ... in only the _nicest _sense of the word...  
**OTACON:**Eheh...  
**SNAKE:**_:::Glances at Raiden figure:::  
_What the hell are you talking about?  
**SNAKE:**_:::Glares at Otacon:::  
****_OTACON:Nothing. Nothing... Just that, well -- ah...  
**OTACON:**I mean...  
**OTACON:**There you are in some 4 Metal Gear Games...  
**SNAKE:**_:::Gives Otacon an expectant look:::  
_Yeah? So...  
**SNAKE:**Hideo Kojima wouldn't be stupid enough to just throw me away in MGS2...   
_:::Looks at Raiden figure:::_  
**OTACON:**And then alluvasudden you're playing as that guy. *Indicates the Raiden action figure* ... And, I mean, no-body's young forever ... and ... uh...  
**SNAKE:**_:::Raiden figure breaks into dust in his hand:::  
.........  
_What did you **just** say?  
**OTACON:**Ahh! *Stumbles backwards, falls backwards over box* Ooph.  
**OTACON:***from floor* Look, it's the harsh truth. I didn't want to have to tell you but --  
**SNAKE:**_:::Grabs Otacon's shirt, And pulls him to his feet:::  
_Are you saying I'm replaced?  
_:::Clenches Otacon's shirt tighter:::  
**REPLACED?!**_  
**OTACON:**AHH! *Sheilds his face* You wouldn't kill a guy with glasses. >_  
**SNAKE:**....  
_:::Drops Otacon:::  
_Don't worry. I'm not that irritable.  
_::Sighs:::  
_So Hideo just threw me away, huh?  
_:::Reaches for Jack Daniel's:::_  
**OTACON:***Opens an eye slowly, nervously fixes his glasses from the floor* Blee.... Well. "Threw away" is a_ harsh_ term... _Transposed._.. Maybe...  
**SNAKE: **Yeah right. He just did away with me.   
_:::Sad:::  
_He didn't even ask my permission...  
....  
Not that I would've given it anyway...  
But that's not the point!  
_:::Swigs whiskey:::_  
**OTACON:**Ahh, hey. It's not so bad. *picks up his action figure* At least you have an action figure... *Cheesy grin, holding out figure*  
**SNAKE:**Sure I do. I'm still going on a drunken binge. See you, Otacon!  
_:::Empties the rest of the whiskey and reaches for another bottle:::_  
**OTACON:**Ahh... No no!  
**OTACON:***takes the bottle* None of that. You're liver will thank you later.  
**SNAKE:****_::Burp!:::  
_**Go ahead, take it.   
_:::Walks off drunkenly into his room, where he has five more bottles of JDs waiting for him::::  
**OTACON: ** *shakes head sadly* You poor drunken fool.... *siigh* *playes absently with action figures*  
  
_

**In the immortal words of the Terminator...  
  
hasta la vista, baby.  
  
Oh yeah.  
And...  
We'll be back.**


	8. Interlude - Xmas Special (Part I)

**Interlude-  
Holiday Special**  
_By: Otaku Tess and Bad Ronald_  
  
We interrupt our normally scheduled goofiness to bring you holiday goofiness.  
That's right. "Metal Gear Stupid- Random Goofiness" has brought you a Christmas Special!  
Yet another flame worthy post... Ah, well. If we ever got any reviews at all I'd be worried.  
  


  
**SNAKE:**_:::Is "recreating" the scene where Ocelot gets his hand cut off by The Ninja with his action figures when Otacon comes in:::  
:::In girlie voice:::  
_AAAAAHHH!!!! MY HAAAAND!  
_:::Notices Otacon is in the room:::  
_Oh, hi, Otacon. You know, you should've seen it when Ocelot gets his hand cut off, it was the funniest thing I've ever seen. He even screams like a girl! Hey, speaking of girls, what are you going to give me for Christmas?  
**OTACON:***cocks an eyebrow in confusion at the remark* Where you referring to me or you...? o_O err... Nevermind. *blinks* Well. I AM a little short on funds, what with having to support YOU now... *looks at him distastefully*  
**SNAKE:**......?  
What do you mean, support me? I've got my own money!  
_:::Takes out wallet and shows it to Otacon's face. Otacon's ID card slips out:::  
_Whoops ... now how did that get there?  
**OTACON:***snatches his wallet back* Honestly.  
**OTACON:***sigh* Anyway. I didn't know you celebrated... *pause* Anything.  
**SNAKE:**What? Just because I'm a die-hard mercenary that blows up giant nuclear tanks on my spare time and was created from the Legendary Soldier's "Big Boss" genes doesn't mean I'm not capable of celebrating anything!  
[Besides, I get all the free booze I want on Christmas!]  
**OTACON:**Well. At least that's nice to know. *sigh* Well. Whatever your into ... have a good one.  
**OTACON:***sighs* *Looks in his previously purloined wallet, a moth flies out* Eeee... o_O  
**SNAKE:**Hey, that reminds me. I got you a gift...  
_:::Grabs cheaply wrapped package, with a special McFarlane made Otacon action figure inside:::_  
**OTACON:***gets all misty eyed* Wow, Snake!  
**OTACON:***holds gift* Thank you so much! I never knew you cared! *shakes it*  
**SNAKE:**_:::Red faced:::_  
Oh, don't start, just open it.   
**OTACON:**Hmm... *Abselty* You're about two week late... but still in all. Thanks for the present!  
**SNAKE:**Hey, we need a Christmas tree.  
**OTACON:**... Christmas tree? -- Oh! You don't know...  
**SNAKE:**....?  
What do you mean two weeks late, Christmas is tomorrow.  
That's why we need a Christmas tree.  
**OTACON:***Chuckles* Snake, I'm Jewish.  
**OTACON:**But it's the thought that counts.  
**SNAKE:**...!  
You are?  
Uhh... Happy... Hannukah, then?  
_:::Blanches:::_  
**OTACON:**Heheh. That's "Chanukah." _*Wonders how corrected his spelling when they're just talking to each other*_  
**OTACON:**But anyway. Might as well get into the spirit of things.  
**SNAKE:**So does that mean we get a Christmas tree?  
**OTACON:**Yeah, sure. Why don't you go get a Christmas tree or something? *Big grin* Deck the halls with Buddy Holly. And all that Yuletide stuff.   
**OTACON:**Or was it "Wreck the malls with cows on trolleys" ...?  
**SNAKE:**....?  
.....Yeah, okay.  
_:::Secretly palms Otacon's wallet and car keys, and drives off to get a Christmas tree:::  
****_OTACON:*goes into garage and gets out various holiday decorations ..._ *they're mostly Chanukah things ... dradel ornaments and stuff.* _ o_O This'll have to work.  
**OTACON:***sings* Dradel dradel dradel, I made it out of clay...  
Dradel Dradel Dradel... The dradel I will play. *hums*  
**SNAKE:**:::Gets into the forest, then gets out of Otacon's car while holding a big axe:::  
**OTACON:**There aren't very many Chanukah songs, are there? ... *Sings* We fish you a cherry Christmas we fish you a cherry Christmas! *pause* That's not right... Hmm..  
**OTACON:***Calls up Snake on the CODEC* hey, do you know any Christmas songs?  
**SNAKE:**"We wish you a merry Christmas". Haven't you been alive long enough to know it?  
:::Starts chopping on a particularly big tree:::  
**OTACON:**Well. I never went to school. So I wasn't forced to learn it.   
**SNAKE:**_:::Keeps chopping on the tree:::  
_You never went to school, Otacon? I find that hard to believe...  
Augh, damn splinter!_  
:::Puts down ax and looks at the splinter on his right hand:::  
****_OTACON: I don't really know any Christmas songs...._  
****_SNAKE:I don't either. I'm not much of a caroler...  
**OTACON:**well, does this sound right to you...? *sings* "Crusty the snowplow had a very shiny hose..."  
**OTACON:**-- er.. Snake? What are you doing?  
**SNAKE:**I'm chopping down a tree. Why?  
_:::Keeps chopping, not realizing that he is actually in a park:::_  
**OTACON:**Uhh... Where are you ... exactly?  
**SNAKE:**_:::Pauses in the middle of an ax swing:::  
:::Looks around:::  
_Heh! I was wrong. I'm not in a forest.  
_::Peers at street:::  
_I'm in a park, I think. But hey, the spirit of Christmas!  
_:::Keeps chopping:::_  
**SNAKE:**Uhh...  
_:::Pauses:::  
_This isn't illegal, is it?   
**OTACON: ** *hears someone yelling _"Hey!! What the hell are you doing, Mister?!?!?!" _Over the CODEC* I'm gonna put my money on ... yes.  
**OTACON:***mockingly* Quick! Hide under a box!  
**SNAKE:**_:::Blances:::  
_It's the spirit of Christmas!  
**Police:** Not on my watch it's not! Freeze!  
**SNAKE:** _:::Leaves the tree, grabs the ax, and gets into Otacon's car, stomping on the gas:::  
_What did I do to deserve this?  
_:::Hears police sirens in the distance:::  
_.......... I seriously hate cops.  
_:::Keeps driving:::  
****_OTACON:Snake!  
**SNAKE:**What?  
_:::Narrowly dodges a slow-moving station wagon:::_  
**OTACON:***warningly* If my car is impounded.... I swear. I do not need my car held as an accessory to a crime again. *siiigh*  
**SNAKE:**Forget your car, what about the tree? WE HAVE NO TREE!!!  
_:::Looks at the rearview mirror and winces when he sees three cop cars trailing after him:::  
_Otacon ... you might have to consider getting a new car...  
**OTACON:** Ohhhh, No, Snake.  
**OTACON:**Ooh! I should have KNOWN this would happen.  
**OTACON:**Snake.... I think that...  
**OTACON:**You're an idiot, and I hate doing this....  
**SNAKE:**Yeah? Well look in your gift! Shows how much of an idiot I am, huh?   
**OTACON:** Oh yeah. I forgot about that. _*opens the present, takes out the Otacon action figure* *Its head promptly falls off*_ ... Uhh... ... *blinkblink*  
**OTACON:***falls over, in anime fault-take style* *twitch twitch* Hey, Snake. Did you know that the holidays have a higher suicide rate than any other time of the year?  
**SNAKE:**...?  
What's wrong now?  
_:::Keeps driving, then looks in the rearview mirror and sees a different speeding car slam into one of the cop cars. The cops promptly forget Otacon's runaway car and turn to box in the other car:::  
_Whew! Saved by the lawbreaker!  
**RAIDEN:** *Appearing on the CODEC* Did you say _Jawbreaker_?  
**SNAKE:**_:::Hears someone else over the CODEC:::  
_Who's that?  
_:::Is nearing Otacon's house:::_  
**OTACON:**o_O What the hell are you doing here???  
**RAIDEN: ** I just popped in to wish you a merry Christmas.  


**  
My txt file ran out of room! Go to part two.  
NOW!!!!!!!!!!!  
**


	9. Interlude - Xmas Special (Part II)

**Metal Gear : Stupid  
X-mas Special  
continued....  
  
**If anybody else thinks this is how Rose really acts ... raise their hands.**  
**

  
SNAKE:_:::Doesn't realize that this is the replacement ... yet:::_  
And who are you?  
_:::Arrives at Otacon's house:::_  
**OTACON:**Snake, that's Raiden. *Throws the Raiden action figure at Snake's head as he enters the house* Remember, you cantankerous car-theif?  
**SNAKE:**....!  
_:::Runs in house and sees Raiden propping up a Christmas tree:::  
_That was my idea...  
_:::Gets angry:::  
_You took MY JOB and you're setting up MY IDEA...  
**RAIDEN:** Hey, Snake. I just wanted to see how you were doing now that you're out of work and all.  
**OTACON:***stands in living room, feuming* ...  
**SNAKE:**Oh, so you're making fun of me, huh? _:::Gets angrier:::  
_I'll show you why I was the main character of 4 Metal Gear games!  
**OTACON:**Listen, Raiden. This is really nice of you, and all... But... Uhm...  
**RAIDEN:** *Putting ornaments on the tree* Oh, not at all. *Gloats* Now that I'm a gazzilionaire this is but a trifle.  
**ROSE: ***Busts in* *Grabs Raiden by the ear, twisting him away from the tree* What the hell are you doing, HONEY????  
**RAIDEN: ** *Squeeks* ROSE! Ahh... I was just--  
**ROSE:** I don't care! You SAID you would be home in time to go to my sister's for dinner, and NOW we're late!! Mission FAILED, Jack!!!  
**SNAKE:**....!!!!!  
**ROSE:**I swear, Jack. I am THIS close to leaving you!!! *indicates a small amount with her free fingers, not about ready to let go of his ear*  
**SNAKE:**_:::Snickers:::  
_Looks like Rose isn't so "rosey" after all, eh, Raiden?  
_:::Sees Rose suddenly glare at him and blanches:::_  
**ROSE:** And if you go asking my family all that "Who am I really?" Crap, I am going to castrate you with a spoon! Got that??  
**RAIDEN:** But Rose--!!!  
**ROSE:** I don't _Smoke_, Jack.... No "Butts" here.  
**ROSE:** _ *lets go of Raiden's ear for a moment, he immediately dashes behind Otacon to hide* _ _*Rose turns to Snake, and pokes him in the chest accusingly* _ And YOU --!  
You got Jack addicted to cigarettes, you male chauvinist pig! Why, if it wasn't for YOU Jack wouldn't be such a loser! Ever since the Big Shell he's been trying to be just like you! You know what name he took afterwards?? DO YOU??  
**SNAKE:**_:::Gains a newfound respect for Raiden:::  
_He's trying to be like me? Heh, guess I am the best, after all, I mean...  
_:::Gets cut off with a slap from rose:::  
_OW!_  
:::Weakly:::_  
It's the spirit of Christmas!  
**ROSE:***Ignorning his remark* "Dave" he chose the name "Dave!" Well, I refuse to call him that. You know. Sometimes, I think he likes you more than me. u_u _*Begins to go off on a shpeil, talking to neither man imparticular* _If you like him so much why don't you just marry him? Huh?! I'm sure you two will be very happy together. God, I can't believe it. -- You should Shave from time to time, too ... now that I think about it, you grizzly looking hockey haired freak!  
**SNAKE:**_:::Cowers:::  
_It's not my fault he wants to be like me...  
**OTACON:***Has been standing in shock for the past few minutes, looks behind himself at Raiden, who is still using him as a human sheild, then back to Snake. * *refering to both Raiden and Snake* Man. She has you guys whipped.  
**SNAKE AND RAIDEN:**SHUT UP!  
_:::Snake Promptly receives another slap by Rose:::  
****_SNAKE:Owwww....  
_:::Thinks frantically for a way out:::  
_Hey, didn't you say you were late for your sister's?  
_:::Cowers:::_  
**ROSE:** That is NOT the point right now. *Stomps over to Otacon* And you, you scrawny little man! _ *Raiden cowers*_  
**OTACON:**Ahh! -- Listen, I didn't mean anything!  
**SNAKE:**_:::Goes to Otacon's rescue:::  
_Hey, you might give him a heart attack...!! Leave him alone, will you?  
**OTACON:**Hey! I am not THAT pathetic! I am NOT going to get a heart attack over _her_!  
**SNAKE:**You got scared of the Ninja figurine.  


_*Rose is about to go on, but stops. Raiden tiptoes out from behind Otacon and picks up the Ninja action figure*_  


**SNAKE:**_:::Snake stops, realizes what he had just said:::_  
**RAIDEN:***begins to chuckle*  
**ROSE:** *looks at the action figure and joins in*  
**SNAKE:**_:::Starts to chuckle, also:::_  


_ *After a moment of stifled evil chuckling, the three burst into uproarious laughter*_  


**ROSE and RAIDEN:** AHAHAHAHAHA!!!! THAT THING! YOU'RE SCARED OF _THAT _THING??? OH MY GOD! THAT'S BLOODY RICH!!!  
**SNAKE:**_:::Laughing uncontrollably:::  
_He's really scared of it! He hid in a friggin' box!  
**OTACON:**_*trys to explain himself, but goes unheard over the laughter*_ Hey you guys! Come-on! That's no fair! -- You don't understand -- I... ahh!  
**SNAKE:**_:::Laughs harder:::  
_Otacon's trying to explain WHY HE'S SCARED OF A TOY!  
**OTACON:**If you guys don't stop I am going to do something very comical but highly out of character!!!!!  
**ROSE and RAIDEN**: Ahahahaha!! _*Raiden holds the toy in Otacon's face*_  
**OTACON: ** Ahhh! *falls backwards* ---   
**SNAKE:**_:::Laughs even harder:::  
_He's seriously scared of it! What a hoot!  
**OTACON: ** THAT'S IT!!! *pulls a large gun out from behind his back, anime style*  
**SNAKE:**_:::Stops laughing:::  
_Uhh... err...  


_*Raiden and Rose fall immediately silent*_  


**SNAKE:**Otacon...holding a gun...  
_:::Starts to chuckle:::  
****_OTACON:_*Aims large gun at Snake* *Speaking shrilly, and hysterically*_ SHUT UP, BAKA!!  
**SNAKE:**_:::Shuts up:::  
_You don't want to do that, Otacon...  
**OTACON:**GAHH!!!  
**SNAKE:**Hey! Otacon, it's the spirit of Christmas!  
:::Looks at Raiden, mouths "Rush him on my count"_, Raiden and Rose nod in confirmation:::_  
**OTACON:**Shut up, you big stupid bully!  
**SNAKE:**All right, all right!  
_::Starts counting off. 1....:::_  
**OTACON:**You don't want to mess with this! I am the master of hidden weapons ... uhh... *pauses* ... *pushes his glasses back up his nose with free hand* I am sick of you bullies pickin' on the skinny guy!  
**SNAKE:**We won't pick on you anymore!  
_:::Two...:::_  


_:::All 3 tense to rush Otacon:::_  


**OTACON:***pauses* Hmmm.... [ how do I know if they are serious... Err ... wait ... what the hell...?] *looks at the gun in his hands*  
**OTACON:** _*thinking*_ [What am I doing? This is totally out of character ... why if anyone ever found out. We'd be flamed for sure...]  
**OTACON:***siighs* *drops the gun* I'm sorry you guys, I don't know what came over --- !!!!  
**SNAKE:**:::Yells:::  
THREE!!!!  


_:::All tackle Otacon to the ground:::_  


**OTACON:**AHHHH!!!!  
**OTACON:**Uncle! UUUUUUNNCLLLLLLE!!!  
**SNAKE:**YAAARGH! DON'T _EVER_ POINT A GUN AT ME!  
**ROSE:** DAMN RIGHT!  
**RAIDEN:** YEAH! SAY UNCLE!  


_:::They all pause, seeing Otacon whimpering, then get up off him.:::_  


**SNAKE: ** Otacon, what the hell were you thinking?!  
_:::Snatches Otacon's gun:::_  
**OTACON:**... I was thinking... Uh... *blinks*  
**SNAKE:**_:::takes apart Otacon's gun:::  
_We're sorry we laughed at you and all, but that's no reason to pull a gun on us!   
**OTACON:**I don't know what came over me. I hate when a petty anime inspired joke goes horribly awry and becomes a huge deal, and the only thing left to do is pretend that it was something that actually WOULD have happened.  
**SNAKE:**Don't do that again ... it's Christmas, you know.  
**OTACON:***Stands up looking at Snake, with a big grin* Sorry about that, Snake. You're still my best friend. *gives him a hug*   
**SNAKE:**:::Hugs Otacon:::  
Merry Christmas ... you're still my friend too.  
:::Knocks Otacon out:::  
:::Turns to Raiden and Rose, who are looking blanched:::  
OKAY! Let's go to the nearest mental ward!  


_*The two nod in agreement*_  


**ROSE:** _*looks to "camera" Holding out arms, so the others can join her in a line up. They do so, Otacon hangs KOed off of Snake* _ Well. It's sure been fun.  
**RAIDEN:** But that's about all the time we have.  
**ROSE: ** So... Merry Christmas.   


_*Various other Cast members join in the line up, the cops, Santa Clause, Jesus, "The spirit of Christmas", Cyborg Ninja, and a bunch of other people that were never in the episode*_  


**RAIDEN:** Happy Chanukah!  
**SNAKE:**Yeah, Happy "Hannukah!"  
**SNIPER WOLF:** Happy Kwanzaa!  
**CYBORG NINJA:** And a happy new year!   
**OTACON:** *begins to wake up* .... O_O!!!! *passes out again when he sees Ninja*  
**SNAKE:**And Happy Holidays...  
_:::Looks at Otacon::: _ And Don't worry, he'll be fine, kids.  
Goodnight!_  
**ALL: **_Merry Christmas to all! And to All a Good night! Have a happy holiday everybody!  
**ROSE:** Now if you would join us in some Holiday singing!  


_*the entire gang, except for Otacon, sing "The House of the Rising Sun" as the camera fades to black*_  


  


**MERRY X-MAS EVERYBODY!  
WE'LL BE BACK!  
  
  
  
**  



	10. Rose and Raiden

**"The Daily Lives of Snake and Otacon"  
**By: Otaku Tess and Bad Ronald**  
  
**_Majorly making fun of Rose, here. Is anyone else as upset with her random melodramatic pucky as I am?? _¬_¬ *heavy sigh***  
**

  
ROSE:*walking through a park with Raiden, quietly. The mood has been tense since x-mas* ...  
**RAIDEN:**_:::Walking through a park with Rose, quietly:::  
_...  
**ROSE:***blinks, pause* ... Jack?  
**RAIDEN:**It's Dave.  
_:::Winces, realizing he should've said that:::_  
**ROSE:***winces* That's actually, what I wanted to talk to you about...  
**RAIDEN:**Yeah?  
**ROSE:***struggling* If... you want me to .... call you... Dave -- then, I guess... I shouldn't mind, if it's what you want. I'm sorry I got so jealous of Snake... If you want to be like him ... who am I to complain? *smiles slightly*  
**RAIDEN:**Uhh ... well, okay.  
_:::Cheers and screams for joy inside mentally, not realizing that this is hurting Rose:::_  
**ROSE:***continues Walking silently, after a minute* Ja-- er... *painfully* _Dave_?  
**RAIDEN:**_:::Has a bright cheery tone to his voice:::_  
Yes?  
_:::Reaches in trench coat to take out cigarettes. Makes a mental note to himself, "Don't shave".:::_  
**ROSE:**Do ... you remember ... -- *makes a sick face when he takes out the cigarettes* blee--- err.... do you remember our first date?  
**RAIDEN:**_:::Pauses, with cigarette unlit in mouth::: _Yes?  
**ROSE:**I just.... *pause* ... I want to know if you remember it like I do...  
**RAIDEN:**.......... _:::Starts smoking:::  
_I do. We met in this park.  
**ROSE:**Oh, you mean our first _date_ was here, *venomously* _right_?  
**RAIDEN:**Yeah, Rose, what do you mean, we met here.  
**ROSE:**We didn't meet here, Dave.... We met by the Empire State building.* ((AN: I don't remember either, But I think this is right.... Oh, ye, who saved often))  
**RAIDEN:**Uhh ... yeah! Yeah, we did! I was just joking, you know, just trying to test you ... or something. _Whoops. :::Inwardly winces:::  
****_ROSE:*gives him a look but decided to ignore it* Okay... Yeah, our _first date_ was here ... remember? It was just like this. *sighs*  
**ROSE:***hangs off of his arm happily* ^-^  
**RAIDEN:**.....? Uhh ... yeah, it was...  
**ROSE:***another long pause* ...  
**ROSE:**... Dave?  
**ROSE**Do you remember that time I saw a flower and you didn't say anything about it? What did you mean by that?  
**RAIDEN:**_:::Takes a deep breath from his cig, then starts coughing:::  
_You saw a flower? There are flowers everywhere, you know. I should know, you're one.  
_:::Hopes this will get Rose to smile:::_  
**ROSE:**You're not answering me, Dave...  
**RAIDEN:**_:::Pulls out cig, then tries his best to sound like Snake:::  
_The hell are you talking about, Rose? You ask if I remember your first date, then you're asking why I didn't comment on you looking at a flower? What are you trying to get at?  
_:::Starts coughing because his throat is chafing:::_  
**ROSE:***grabs the cigarette from his mouth* Give me that! You've changed, Jack! ... Why, before I could have gotten you to say whatever I wanted you to--*stops abruptly* oops... I mean ... uhh... nuuurrr.... Eheheh... ^_^;;;  
**RAIDEN:**_:::Is surprised:::  
_:::Very calmly, although one eyebrow is starting to twitch, and a vein is showing on his pasty white skin:::  
You're telling me that you're with me just because you want me to be your pawn?  
**ROSE:**No no, Dave, I want you to be my tool.  
Now, Dave, why don't we ... just ... go home, huh? *smiles brightly*  
**RAIDEN:**......Okay. I want to be your Puppet, anyway...  
_:::Smiles mischievously:::  
****_ROSE:*Another pause as they head home* Dave...?  
**RAIDEN:**Yes?  
**ROSE:***grasping for straws* What.. do.. you.. -- think we should name the baby? *Smiles brightly, sweatdrops*  
**RAIDEN:**Uhh...how about ... uhh....?  
**ROSE:***hastily* Well, here we are! *walks in the house with Raiden, the drama continues....*  
  


**~Meanwhile~**  


  
**OTACON:** *Fixes his glasses as he desperately rummages through a pile of papers* ...  
**OTACON:**Dammit, it's _gotta _be here somewhere!  
**SNAKE:** Reading something from his laptop.  
_:::Looks over to Otacon:::_ Hmm? What's gotta be here?  
**OTACON:**The semblance of a plot, a story, a theme, a stupid and/or offensive and/or risque joke, a PUN ... anything!  
**SNAKE:**_:::Puffs on cig:::_ The hell are you talking about, Otacon?  
**OTACON:**Today's episode!  
**OTACON:**it made even less sense than usual! -- And we weren't even_ in _it!  
**OTACON:**All it was stupid subtle humor about how dumb Rose is! Ahh! Snake, we can't allow this to ever happen again. Subtle humor has no place here.  
**SNAKE:**Whatever. _:::Reading a fanfic about MGS:: _Ooh, yeah... Oh, how I wished that happened... yeah, go lower, Wolf...  
**OTACON:**What are you doing? -- Oh never mind. *sighs* *puts a DVD in the PS2* ahh anime. Blessed Blessed anti-drug. Without you I would be a drunkard... like Snake. ^_^ *Hugs Evangelion box*  
  


**Hah! I'll bet you thought we were gone forever!  
Well. We ain't.  
**


	11. FanFic Commentary

**The Daily Lives of Snake and Otacon"  
**By: Bad Ronald and Otaku Tess  
Fiction used By: Pedro Tejeda****  
  
_Hello and welcome again to _tDLoSaO_! Today we have a treat for you. We will be "MSTing" a fanfiction that Bad Ronald found. We asked the author for permission, and when he didn't respond we took that as a yes. Soooo, should "Pedro Tejeda" stumble upon this Tome, I wish to let him know that if he is upset with this, all he need to is tell us, and we will, with a heavy heart, delete it, and then report him to Konami for copyright infringement. But seriously folks, we're just trying to entertain. We don't want any trouble. If the author ever FINDS this, and is truly upset, we will have no choice but to find something else to make fun of.  
Besides, I for one, liked the story ... it just set up a lot of Otacon bashing, so we picked it ... anything we say as Snake and Otacon doesn't necessarily reflect on our actual views.  
Thank you._  


  
  
**SNAKE: ***Is staring bug-eyed and gape-jawed at his laptop, clicking his computer mouse occasionally. He starts chuckling and commenting on whatever is on the screen.*_:::Giggling:::****_ Heh... heh heh... all right, keep going ... black panties?! Hell yeah!  
**OTACON:***Sitting on couch watching some "Evangelion" and eating a can of chocolate frosting* mmmm! ^_^ Frosting. The _thinking_ man's dessert!  
**OTACON:***pauses* Snake-kun, what are you doing?  
**SNAKE:**_:::Looks away from laptop, smiling. His smile disappears when he sees Otacon:::  
_...!!!  
_:::Starts trying to cover the laptop, in vain:::  
_Nothing, nothing. Go back to watching cartoons...  
**OTACON:***Leans over his shoulder* *Good naturedly* Nani? ... *facefaults when he sees what Snake is reading, sweatdrop* ... ... .... *twitch*  
**SNAKE:**Oh, come on, Otacon, it's just a story!  
Granted, a story of me screwing the girl you love so much, but it's still just a-- !!!!!!  
**OTACON:***without missing a beat pulls a large anime mallet from "Mallet-Space" and beats Snake in the head with it, leaving a large, if not momentary bump* ... Baka Eechi, pervert!  
**SNAKE:**The hell?! Ow! Dammit, that really hurts! Ow! _:::Pauses for a second::: _And where the hell did you get that?!  
**OTACON:***nudges him* Shhhhhh... *leaves it at that*  
**SNAKE:**_:::Groans and rubs head:::  
_...............  
_:::Turns back to laptop:::  
****_OTACON:Stop reading that, Hentai!!  
**SNAKE:**_:::Stops reading and shuts down story, looking for other MGS fanfics:::  
_The hell do I read then?!  
_:::Keeps scrolling down, then stops, something catching his eye:::  
****_OTACON:... find something with me in it... ¬_¬ *folds arms*_  
****_SNAKE: Hey, Otacon, _here_'s one about you...  
**OTACON:**Really? *Adjusts glasses*  
**SNAKE:**Yeah. "Otacon: International Man Of Mystery".   
_::Teasingly:::  
_Should we continue?  
**OTACON:***pauses* ... I dunno. Doesn't sound like me. But then "Prison Desires" doesn't sound like _you_. So I guess we can read it ... for a little bit. *Pulls up a rolly chair*  
**SNAKE:**_:::Thinks over that for a moment:::  
_Prison Desires was the name of the...?  
...!   
Hey! That sounds like a bad alcatraz porno flick! Ugh...  
Ok, let's read.  
_:::Opens story and starts to read with Otacon*  
****_SNAKE:*reading aloud* "Metal Gear Solid 1 1/2 Otacon, International Man of Mystery   
Written by: Pedro Tejeda"  
**OTACON:***looks to Snake* Hmm.... Off to a good, if not somewhat inane, start...  
**OTACON:***Reads aloud* "Chapter One."  
**SNAKE:**_:::Sarcastically:::  
_A very, very good start! Written brilliantly with wit and valor!  
**OTACON:**Pshh. Just read. *The two continue silently, and for some strange reason read at the exact same pace*  


  
_*Hawaiian music plays in the distance as Hal Emrich lies down stomach first on the white sands of a secluded beach. To his side is a curvaceous Kurdish female, wearing the smallest of swimwear. The sun slowly starts to decline over the horizon, the last rays of light shining along her back._  
  


**SNAKE:**He spelled your name wrong, Otacon ... and, _:::Sarcastically::: _I **_really _**wonder who the "Kurdish female" is...  
_:::Rolls eyes::: _This is obviously a dream...  
**OTACON:**Hey he _did_! How hard is my last name? I mean even _you_ can spell it. u_u *Big grin* *thinking* [Score one for the Otaku! YESS!]  
**SNAKE: **_:::Narrows eyes at Otacon's remark::: _That was low.  
**OTACON:** And I know it's a dream.... *quietly* ... I've had it before...  
  


_"It's getting late, Hal. Don't you think we should go inside?" Sniper whispers seductively into his ear.   
"Just finish that massage you were going to give me " Hal replies " and we'll go back home. k ?"   
  
_

**SNAKE: **Sniper?!   
_:::Guffaws heartily:::  
_Now I know this is a dream!   
**OTACON:**What's with the _tenses_ in this story!? "Hal replies." Not "Hal replied"... It doesn't make sense... o_O  
**SNAKE:**I thought a genius like you would like it if a hot, beautiful woman was giving you a back rub. Instead, you play grammarian. Heh, geniuses...  
**_{Score one for the mercenary!]  
_OTACON:**¬_¬ Hmph. *Continues reading, this time makes the mistake of doing it out loud* " _"Sure."   
  
She placed her hands on his shoulders and began rubbing the area around the small of his back. Sniper smiled "Oh, you are so strong, Hal and handsome too."   
  
Hal turns around and places his arms around Sniper. He pulls her close to him, looks straight into her eyes and then.... *_"  
  
*Gets a nose bleed (which is, appropriately what would have happened if they were _actually_ going to kiss)*  
  
**SNAKE:**.......... "Strong and handsome" + Otacon = nonexistent...  
No wonder you dream about this...  
_:::Notices Otacon's nose bleed:::  
_Oh, for the love of...  
_:::Tosses Otacon a handkerchief:::_  
**OTACON:***takes handkerchief* *looks at it, fixes glasses* I thought you didn't need a handkerchief? I thought you didn't have any more tears to shed? o_O *Holds kerchief to his nose* ...  
**SNAKE:**......Shut up and read.  
  


_*ring*   
*ring*   
*ring*   
  
"Shit:, who the hell could that be?" Hal exclaims as he wakes up on his couch. He reaches over to the phone and picks it up. _  


  
**OTACON:** Hey, I do not sleep on the couch. *looks at Snake* You do. ^_^  
**SNAKE:**........... You know, the day you cuss is the day hell freezes over ... and the couch is comfortable, dammit!   
**OTACON:**Yeah, I think they got me mixed up with you.  
**SNAKE:**I shudder to think...  
**OTACON:**....and I don't punctuate phrases with the word "hell" ... that's your forte.  
**SNAKE:**The hell are you talking about?  


_  
"Hello…"   
  
*click*   
  
"Damn, I hate it when that happens."   
  
_

**SNAKE:**_:::Pauses:::  
_By the way, all those prank calls on your codec ... that was me.  
**OTACON:***twitch* ... So YOU'RE "I.P. Freely"!?! Damn you! My frigirator IS running, BAKA!! *Hits him again with the mallet then continues*  
**SNAKE:**_:::Rubs head where Otacon hit him:::  
_Oww...  
.............  
  


_Hal, then hangs up the phone and turned on the lights. His eyes sting from the flash of light, and he winces from the pain. The time on the VCR said.12:30 but since he hadn't bother adjusting it since Daylight Savings Time, it was really 1:30._  


  
**OTACON:***Clenches fist for "hero shot" * Hey, the day I don't set the clock on my VCR is the day I stop being an engineer!  
**OTACON:**And the day I use anything but a DVD player is the day I stop being an Otaku!  
**OTACON:**And the day that DVD player is anything but a Sony Play Station II is the day I stop using fine quality products. Because Sony isn't just the leader of the gaming industry but is also responsible for bringing Music, Movies, TVs, GAMES, and thousands of quality electronics to consumers world wide. Yes, Sony. The future IS here.  


*Both Snake and Otacon turn with a Big huge grin to the audience* $ P L U G $  


**SNAKE:** *sweatdrop* And the day I lose my contract with Konami!  
  


_Playing on the T.V was Flash Gordon. Hal reaches over to the remote and turns the volume up as a Queen song played.  
_

  
**OTACON: ***sings* We aaare the champions! Myyyy frieeeends.... We'll keeep on fiiiiighting 'til theee end--  
**SNAKE:**........  
You watch Flash Gordon... and listen to Queen songs?  
**OTACON:**Heck yeah! ^_^ *peace sign*  
**SNAKE:**......... _:::Lowers head in shame:::  
  
_

It was about 3 months after the incident on the Alaskan snowfields. He really only allowed himself to remember 2 moments from that day. The first.was the time he spent waiting on the snowfield for the black helicopters, watching Snake and Meryl speed off. Hal thought about yelling to them, turning to them and at least say bye. He decided against it, they're had separated themselves from their past life, something that Hal had been a small part of. He was just happy to have met them.   
  


**SNAKE:**Only allowed to remember two incidents?!   
Please look at the little red light...  
**OTACON:***sings again* Heere come the men in blaack.  
**SNAKE:**........Otacon, did you know your singing is great?... for a bomb evacuation, I mean...  
**OTACON:***Gives him a distasteful look at that last remark* Yeah.... sure, maybe_ then_ I was happy to have met you. Then you started eating my food and sleeping on my couch.  
**SNAKE:**Hey, I needed a place to stay....  
**OTACON:***Reads the next passage out loud so he won't comment further* "_The other moment was of Sniper lying in his arms as she slowly faded. He had just stop dreaming of it last week, but still could recall it perfectly in his mind. Her accented voice, the way she walked, it tortured him in his sleep The single thing that stayed in his mind was how cold she felt._" -- *sniffle sniffle* .... ... *lip quivers* Its all so true... ...  
**SNAKE:**Yes it is... Wolf was soooo hot....  
_:::Shoots a panicked glance at Otacon and gets ready to block a similar mallet from before:::_  
**OTACON:***twitches angrily for a moment, but then Bursts into tears* WAAAAHHH!!!  
**SNAKE:**Whoa! Otacon, I'm sorry!   
_:::Starts patting Otacon in the back::: _Stop... stop crying...  
_:::Clothes start getting wet::: _Stop crying!  
_:::Starts getting drenched in salt water::: _Ugh! Dammit, stop crying!  
**OTACON:***Whimpers, wipes eyes* Sorry Snake.... *dries him with sleeve* O_o ^_^;;;;_  
  
_

Hal gets up from the couch, steps over a small canine sleeping on the floor, and walks into the kitchen. He opens the fridge and finds nothing, again. On the table is an open box of leftover pizza. He grabs two slices and dives onto the couch.  


  
**OTACON:** I know that feeling. Except in reality ... you ate all the pizza _too_. *Folds arms* ¬_¬  
**SNAKE:**....Hey, what was I supposed to eat, your special Rice Krispies? I don't think so...  
AND I ordered the pizza, not you ... although I did use your money...  
**SNAKE:**Here..._ :::Gives back wallet, devoid of cash:::_  
**OTACON:**Stop doing that!! *twitch* I am going to die of heart disease... or an ulcer or... starvation or something._  
  
_

*ruff*   
  
His dog jumps on the couch.   
  
"Oh you, hungry boy?" Hal rips off the crust and feed his dog pieces of it. He then begins chewing on the rubber pizza as Flash fights Ming the.Merciless.   
  


**SNAKE:**Hey, you don't have a dog, you have a parrot... And a **_very _**annoying one too...  
_:::Casts a murderous glance at Otacon's parrot, who is squawking, "You suck!" every three minutes:::_  
**OTACON:**¬_¬ *Gives him a look, but continues*  
  


_Once the helicopters picked Hal up, he was brought to an instillation off the coast of Washington. They first locked him in a cell for three days, his only contact with another human being was the guard who dropped off his food twice a day and a daily message from Campbell. He was then brought to a small room where two agents spent hours debriefing him_---  


  
**OTACON:** Ahh!... O_O  
**SNAKE:**_.............  
****_OTACON:That's just perverted.   
**SNAKE:**It isn't what you think, Otacon...  
**OTACON:** Snake, is this a lemon? I refuse to read this!  
**SNAKE:**_:::Scratches head in disbelief::: _Not even if it were about you and Sniper Wolf?  
**OTACON:**.... Well, I--- Are you kidding?! I would die from blood loss!!  
**SNAKE:**.....You're never gonna score with a girl, you know that?  
**SNAKE:**You nosebleed at lemon _fanfics_, you nosebleed at porno mags... I shudder to think what would happen if a naked girl was walking towards you...  
**OTACON:**... Well, I-- There was Emma's mom-- and... I, ah ... you... *studders uncontrollably.*  
**SNAKE:**Only because Emma's mom was lonely and desperate... *keeps reading*  
**OTACON**: ... *Continues reading, remaining silent ... now seriously POed at that ill thought out remark*  


  
_-- going over the events of what occurred in Alaska, and the final fate of Snake and Meryl..Luckily Campbell had made sure to tell him to lie about Snake and Meryl to insure the safety of his niece. When they we're done, they simply told him not to say a word and that they would watch him until the day he died. The officer who told him this smiled throughout the whole conversation. Hal had counted to three and knocked the officer on the floor. Hal looked down to the fallen man and then replied "fine." _  
  


**SNAKE:**_:::Struggling not to snicker:::: _....  
_:::Looks at Otacon::: _...!  
_:::Bursts out in raucous laugher::: **HAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!!! YOU! KNOCKING A MAN DOWN! THE DAY THAT HAPPENS IS THE DAY I GET CASTRATED!!!**_  
**OTACON:***has a brief fantasy of Snake getting castrated* *snickers evily*  
**SNAKE:**........... Shut up...  
**OTACON:**... Hey, I didn't write it! I can't take anybody out. I'd be killed. o_O  
**SNAKE:**I took a ton of people out and I'm not killed...  
**OTACON:***eerily* Inside you are, Snake. Inside you are.  
  


_He moved back home to New York City, with no job, not one dime in his pocket, and his collection of anime. It took him awhile, but he found an.assistant teaching job at a local college. His job was to mostly set up experiments and fill in for any of the teachers in case of sickness. It paid.enough to make sure he didn't run out of new movies to watch.  
  
_

**SNAKE:**So you're a desk jockey now... good one...  
**OTACON:**That's not a 'Desk-Jocky.' That's a T.A. that's even worse than being a Desk Jocky. People don't throw scraps of paper at a pencil pusher.... and call them dumb names.  
**SNAKE:**.........Whatever.  
  


_Life had slow down for Hal so much, that he hadn't used his stealth suit once. Not even to check out his sexy neighbor next door, who had been slowly.replacing Sniper in his fantasies. It was lying on the bottom of his closet, collecting dust.  
_

  
**OTACON: **O_O I am not a peeping tom! Ahhh! -- And further more, I don't know WHAT happened to my stealth suit. It disappeared around that time that our sexy neighbor next door started complaining of 'Ghosts' or something-- I wonder what that means.  
**SNAKE:**Umm... Really? Wow... First time I ever heard of that... 9 . 9  


  
**Well, that's it for this Text File! Wait until we're done with the next one, or wet yourself trying!**


	12. Guns and Puns

**The Daily Lives of Liquid and Ocelot  
**By: Otaku Tess and Bad Ronald  
  
_Ye-aaap.... And WITHOUT the use of drugs. Speaking for myself, anyway.  
Get ready to be _pun_ished by LIQUID SNAKE!!****_  


  
  
LIQUID:You buffoon!  
**LIQUID:***beats Ocelot in the head with his own right arm*  
**LIQUID:**I hate being your damned arm!  
**LIQUID:**Hey, Ocelot.  
**OCELOT:**Yes, Liquid?  
**LIQUID:**People who are in a hurry should go to Moscow. Do you know why?  
**OCELOT:**_:::Twirls Colt .45::: _I hope this isn't another one of your lame jokes... Why?  
**LIQUID:**Because everyone is RUSSIAN around there! Muhahah! *laughs heartily*  
**OCELOT:**........ I don't get it.... _:::Proceeds on checking torture table:::  
****_LIQUID:Wot, are you dense? How could you not_ get it_? "Russian"... "Rushing." Sounds like it would be right up your ally.  
**LIQUID:**Er-- Say, Ocelot. Wot are you doing?  
**OCELOT:**I'm watching John Wayne kick someone's ass...  
_:::Watches John Wayne kick someone's ass on tv:::  
_Ahh.... Good ol' cowboys...  
**LIQUID:**Awlright, Ocelot. I have another one. Why did you run away after you fought Snake?  
**OCELOT:**_:::Slams arm down on torture table, and proceeds to strap it::: _Not this time, Liquid! _:::Turns it on::: **AAAAUGGGHHH!!!!!  
**:::Hastily turns it off::: _Oops... wrong arm...  
_:::Tries to lift left arm::: _Owww.... Ok, I'll bite ... why?  
**LIQUID:**Because you were UNARMED! *Another evil laugh*  
**LIQUID:**Hey, but seriously, folks. I just flew in from New York, and boy is my arm and his arm tired!  
**OCELOT:**............. I hate you, Liquid...  
**LIQUID:**Awlright, Awlright. You'll like this one. I promise.  
**OCELOT:**_:::Tries to twirl a Colt on his right hand, but his right hand suddenly whips it out and...:::_  
**LIQUID:**How was *I* feeling when I fought Snake?  
**OCELOT:**_:::Gets hit by the thrown Colt .45::: _AUGH! What?!  
**LIQUID:**I was so angry I was BESIDE MYSELF!! (Get it, because we're exact duplicates?!)  
Well, wot do you think Ocelot? Do I have a chance as a stand up comedian?  
**OCELOT:**No, you don't. Stand up comedian? I'm not going to be a stand up comedian!  
**OCELOT:**You'd sink **_that _**low?  
**LIQUID:**Well, I have to tell you, Ocelot. Being YOUR right ARM doesn't leave a whole lot of room for options. I mean, I'm straining for idears here. I'm going crazy here, Ocelot. I need space.  
**OCELOT:**..........I should've had you cut off long ago...  
_:::Suddenly starts rummaging around room::: _Now where is that Ninja's number?  
**LIQUID:**But we HAVE to think of the CHILDREN... -- I mean, we have to at least wait until they're off to college...--- Wot are you doing now?  
**OCELOT:**THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!  
_:::Rummages for Ninja's number even faster:::  
_You're sick!!!  
**LIQUID:**I apologize, Ocelot. I'm really losing it.  
**LIQUID:**Why. You might say I was getting out of... HAND!  
Muhahah!  
**OCELOT:**.......... I can't stand you...  
**LIQUID:**Then sit down. It might be easier.  
**LIQUID:**Er-- At any rate.  
**OCELOT:**Ha ha._ :::Gives up looking for the number and sits down. Goes and pops in a The Quick And The Dead DVD:::  
****_LIQUID:Oh! Spew, Ocelot. THIS again? *Pushes the button on the remote control*  
**OCELOT:**_:::It turns into the "Jiminy Glick Show":::_  
**LIQUID:**Doof! You dunder head!  
**OCELOT:**Gimme that!  
_:::Changes it back into the QATD:::_  
**OCELOT:**And ... learn to cuss.  
**LIQUID:**Silence, you fool!  
**OCELOT:**You're not my boss! I own the hand!  
_:::Gets slapped by his own right hand:::  
_OW!  
**LIQUID:**Muha! Take that! Doof Doof Doof! You half wit!  
**OCELOT:**_:::Pins right hand down with other hand:::_  
Whatever. Talk to the hand, Liquid. Talk to the hand.  
**LIQUID:**You putrid wretch-- *stops struggling* Hey.  
**LIQUID:**Can I use that in my act?  
**OCELOT:**No. I have no desire to be a Jim Carrey-wannabe.  
**OCELOT:**Oh, Liquid... I have a secret ... want to know what it is?  
**LIQUID:**.... Uhm... TAKE THIS!!! *tries to punch him*  
**OCELOT:**_:::Bashes right hand with Colt .45::: _  
Hah!  
_:::Extreme pain wells up in right hand:::  
**.......OUCH!!!!**_  
**LIQUID:**AHHHH-- Muhahah--- OWWW!!!!!  
**LIQUID:**You bring a new meaning to the phrase HAND gun.  
**OCELOT:**Dammit! Get out of my arm or I'll bash it with one of my home cooked Russian Teacakes!  
**LIQUID:**Aww... that's touching, Ocelot, do you have a CRUSH on me? Muhaha.  
**OCELOT:**I really hate you. _:::Goes out of room, walks out of run-down apartment, and looks for his horse:::_  
**OCELOT:**Here, Binky! Binky, where are you?  
**LIQUID:**Quit HORSING around, Ocelot.  
**LIQUID:**Shouldn't we have a evil scheme to plot ... or something?  
**LIQUID:**What is on our SHH-edule?  
**OCELOT:**_:::An old graying horse comes by, and snorts in fright when he hears Liquid's voice comes out of Ocelot's mouth:::  
_Stop it, you're scaring Binky. I already HAVE a great scheme! That was my secret..  
**OCELOT:**I know! I will.... _:::Pauses for extra dramatic scene::: _  
**LIQUID:***waits impatiantly*  
**OCELOT:**_:::Screams the plan out:::  
_MAKE ALL RUSSIAN TEACAKES **_HARD!!!_**  
**LIQUID:**Err.... Ocelot?  
**OCELOT:**_:::Rubbing hands in glee::: _ Yes?!   
**LIQUID:**You did that already.  
**LIQUID:**And... It sucked. ... Badly.  
**OCELOT:**We did?  
**OCELOT:**No, it didn't suck! It was the greatest plan in the whole world!   
**LIQUID:**Yes, it did suck. No, it was the WORST plan in the whole world. You're just afraid to admit that I am right.  
**OCELOT:**No, it wasn't... How would you feel if I made all buttered scones poisonous! Hah! You're jealous that** I** thought of **that**!  
**OCELOT:**You're never right. Like when you said you were the inferior ... you were the superior all along, idiot.   
**OCELOT:**You had no good reason to try and kill Solid Snake...  
**OCELOT:**Well, aside from him being a danger to our "mission"...  
**LIQUID:**I am so right.  
**OCELOT:**No, you're not.  
**LIQUID:**I'm_aaaalways****_ RIGHT, you idiot!!! *this is the funniest thing he has ever said, and he laughs accordingly* Muhahahaha..!!  
**OCELOT:**............ You're as funny as Pauly Shore.  
**OCELOT:**_:::Twirls gun in right hand:::  
****_LIQUID:*Pokes him in the eye with the barrel of the gun* I am just having a BARREL of fun.  
**OCELOT:**_:::Yanks gun away::: _....You **are** Pauly Shore...  
**LIQUID:**Pauly Shore could never play on words the way I do!  
**LIQUID:**You know, Ocelot. I like having a host of your CALIBER.  
**LIQUID:**I will _awlways_ be GUNning for you.  
**LIQUID:**You give me something to AIM for. Muhahaha.  
**OCELOT:**You say **_MY_** plans suck ... you want to be a lame pun standup comedian, for crying out loud!  
**LIQUID:**Give me a brake here. I'm JUST trying to pass the time.  
**LIQUID:**If you would bring me some place INTERESTING from time to time.... *grumbles*  
**OCELOT:**You want an interesting place? Russia is full of interesting stuff!   
**LIQUID:**Yeah? Like wot?  
**OCELOT:**Like...uhh ... like ... like this! _:::Motions to a bar::: _They've got Dance Dance Revolution... I hear it's a great game!  
**LIQUID:**Doof! You brainless barnacle! *Beats him in the head* You cantankerous cowboy! You, you, you NUMBSKULL!!  
**OCELOT:**Ow!!! I can see why Snake beat you! _:::Pins down the right arm once again::: _You hit like a girl. And you cuss like one, too.  
**LIQUID:**Grrrooooo! You'll get yours one day, Ocelot. You'll get yours....  
**OCELOT:**Talk to the hand, Liquid....Talk to the hand.  


**  
END**  
  


**OTACON: **Wait! *waves arms frantically* Wait wait! I'm not done yet!! *stops and catches his breath, leans over with his hands on his knees* *pant pant* Okay Okay!  
A question was recently posed to Snake and me by one... "Todd"... Uhh... *holds paper, reading it*  
_"Yeah um, I just wanna ask Otacon and Snake a question.   
Otacon,   
In your personal opinion, who is the cutest anime chick?   
Snake,   
What would happen if Otacon played Grand Theft Auto 3?"_  
Well... in response, I say... er... Well, off the top of my head, I would have to say its a toss up between, Rei from "Neon Genesis", Hiroko-chan the OtaKon mascot, aaaand Ryoko from "Tenchi Muyo" because she Rocks my world. ^_^ V   
Though it may be liable to change, those are on my top 10 list, at any rate!  
And... Snake is... uhh... busy right now, but here's his response. *Pushes play on a mini-disc recorder*  
**SNAKES VOICE:** ..... Don't ask. He would probably be scared of the cover of the game and throw a toy at me in a deliberate attempt to ward it away... or he could enjoy it, like he enjoys watching his animes... not to mention that hentai stuff... I still don't get what's so appealing about cartoon girls doing taboo stuff...   
I will not try to introduce him to it, I'm still smarting from the mallet-bashing he gave me after I read the fic where I screw Wolf...  
**OTACON: ***Blushes slightly* Uhm, yeah... So! Anyway! Eheheh....-- This gives me an idea... If any of you have questions or comments to ask Snake or me... well, don't hesitate to E-mail us. Maybe if we get enough we'll post them along with our responses. So please e-mail us at : MGSAnimeNerd@cs.com ! ^_^ With, er, any questions you want to ask us. Maybe about your love lives, or _our_ love lives... Or, you know anything. Heheh! So, toodles! 


	13. FanFic Commentary Pt II

**"DLoSaO"  
Fan Fic Continued....  
**  
  
_Hal reaches for a slice and flicks a roach off the pie and bit in, Queen's" We are the Champions" plays in the background as Flash Gordon stand.victorious.   
  
*ring*   
  
"Dammit, not again!" Hal picks up the phone "Hello?"   
  
"Hi, is Hal Emrich there?" a female's voice asked.  
  
_

**SNAKE:**........ Hey, Otacon, maybe it's Sniper Wolf! _ :::Rolls eyes:::_  
**OTACON:***Again with ignoring the female in the scene* See, I was right. It was "We Are the Champions"! ^_^ *triumphant grin*  
**SNAKE:**...............  
  


_"Yeah, this is Hal."   
  
"This is Hal Emrich, the one involved in Alaska?"  
_

  
**OTACON:***Sarcastically* Yes. Alaska and I have been going out for some time now.  
**SNAKE:**"This is Hal." Why would you give out your name if you're on the run?  
**OTACON:**I walk on the Wild side. ^-^ V  
  


_Hal pauses. "... yes, that's me."   
  
"Is this a secured line? Can I speak freely on it?"   
  
"I don't know… I think they stop tapping my phone last week."   
  
"Oh, this is way too important anyway, Hal. I need your help. We're all in trouble, this is Mei Ling. "  
  
_

**OTACON:**Oh yeah. That's right, forgive me. I failed to recognize your OUTRAGEOUS ACCENT!  
**SNAKE:** Oh, I can see where this is going... He's trying to set you up with Mei-Ling...  
_:::Scratches head in bewilderment:::  
_Now why didn't he set you up with SniperWolf?  
_:::Grins evilly:::  
_Oh, now I remember! It's because I killed...!!! :::Starts getting pummeled by a mallet, after that they abruptly turn back to the screen:::  
  


_" Mei Ling? Oh wait, I remembered you worked with Snake."   
  
"Come meet me at this club in the Village in 30 minutes."   
  
Hal writes down the address.   
  
" Thank you, Hal. Snake said you were someone to trust."   
_

  
**SNAKE:**............ Why would I talk about **_you _**around Mei-Ling? The only things I talk about is... heh... _:::Wiggles eyebrows::  
_

  
Hal hangs up and walks over to his closet. He opens it up and throws everything aside. On the bottom, was a translucent green suit.   
  


**OTACON:**My Cellophane Zoot Suit?  
  


_"Just in case."   
  
Hal then tosses it into his book bag.   
  
"Come here, boy. I want you to stay here and be good okay? Protect my Neon Evaligion Models."_  


  
**OTACON: ** Snake? What's going on? One-second I'm_ you_, and the next second I'm so _me_ it's scary.  
  


_*ruff*   
  
Hal turns off the TV, the lights and leaves.  
_

  
**OTACON:** That's dog for "I'm gonna eat all your food, tear up your sofa, and pee on your rug." -- Hey, Snake, I think that dog's got your number.  
**SNAKE:** .....Shut up ... don't make fun of my manhood...  
**OTACON:**I'm not making fun of your "manhood" ... I'm merely alluding to that time you ate all my food, tore up my sofa, and peed on my rug.  
**SNAKE:**I didn't pee on your rug! That was the whiskey... Honest!  
**OTACON:***rolls eyes* Uhuh, sure. -- That rug tied the room together, too.... *frowns, then looks back to the screen.  
Next is Chapter 2.  
**OTACON:**We just read chapter 1 now.  
**OTACON:**So Chapter 2 is next.  
**SNAKE:**Oh, ok.  
**SNAKE:**_:::Clicks on Chapter Two::: .........  
_

  
The traffic along the way to the club is unusually light. It takes Hal about 15 minutes to maneuver downtown to the Village.   
  
Hal turns the corner on Houston and parks his '78 gremlin a block away from the club. He reaches into his glove compartment and grabs his wallet. The loud techno vibe emanates from the club as Hal walks around the corner. Hal places himself at the end of the line and waits his turn.  


  
**OTACON:**Hey! It's a '79!  
**SNAKE:**You ... you own a Gremlin? That's rich...  
**OTACON:**You would know. You're always hijacking it.  
**SNAKE:**Oh ... yeah, that's right... Oh, by the way, you should check the glove compartment for a surprise...  
:::Snickers evilly, imagining what Otacon would do when he finds all the parking tickets::_  
_

  
"ID?" A large muscle bound man in a suit asks at the front door.   
  
Hal pulls out his New York Driver's License and hands it over to the man.   
  
The man looks toward Hal and laughs.   
  
"I see you're dressed to party tonight." The man says as he hands the license back over to Hal.   
  
"Huh?" Hal replies. Hal then looks down. He feels a small draft.   
  
"Oh."  
  


**OTACON:**Huh? What? -- OH! *clenaches fists* What the -- Heck?!?!  
**SNAKE:**Ha ... that either means you're in your undies, you're wearing either your Tenchi or Evangelion boxers, or you're just plain naked...  
**SNAKE:**I'm betting on the latter.  
**SNAKE:**I hope it's the latter...  
**OTACON:***turns read from anger and/or embarrassment, clenching fists at side* *growls various unintelligible things at both the computer and Snake, but continues anyway*  
  


_The bouncer smiles and waves Hal in. "Well Disney boxers are fashionable. ---_  


  
**OTACON: ** DISNEY BOXERS?!?!  
**SNAKE:**........Damn.... that means I lose the bet. Here's your "money" back.  
_:::Gives Otacon back his wallet, with nothing inside:::_  
**OTACON:***siiigh* *takes his wallet back* >( Razzifazzingfi..........  


  
_---The chicks dig them. I know. I wear them myself.---  
_

  
**OTACON:** ¬_¬ Now what do you have to say about THAT, huh?  
**SNAKE:**.........I know...I wear them myself....Duh...  
  


_-- Have fun, just keep yourself in Buddy." _  
  


**OTACON:** .... ... *pause* *suddenly* You know, the grammar in this story leaves much to be desired.  
**SNAKE:**...Keep yourself in? There's nothing to keep in....  
**OTACON:**Hey! I'll show you! >( .... *pauses* that sounded bad....--- I mean: Don't insult my manhood!  
**SNAKE:**.....What manhood?  
**OTACON:** Why you- *flexes hands, knuckles crack angily*  
**OTACON:**TEMAE!!!!!! *Hits him with a mallet*  
**SNAKE:**......! ....Ow.... _:::Gets up and waves cigarette in front of Otacon's face::: _  
**OTACON:**AHHH! Poison! *grabs neck and turns green, makes various choking noises, Snake continues without him*  


  
_Hal hangs his head and walks in.   
  
Hal averts his eyes as the flashing lights pulsate across the club. He scans across the club   
  
looking for Mei Ling. After not seeing her he decides to sit down and order a drink.   
  
"Uhm, can I get a beer?" he asks the bartender._  
  


**SNAKE:**......No. Might as well write, "Can I have a cigarette?"   
.......**!**  
_:::Exclamation mark hovers over Snake's head as he finally understands something:::_  
Otacon, the author's got you mixed up with me again!  
**OTACON:***Gasps from the floor* ... Poison.... *claws his way up to the lap top* *reads the last line* POISON!!  
  


_A woman in her early 20's with short pink hair turns around and looks Hal up and down.   
  
"Nice shorts." She says as she hands him a bottle of the house brand.   
  
Hal pulls a bill from his wallet and places it on the counter. He starts to walk toward the other side of the club.   
  
"Hey, Aladdin! No drinking in the dance area!" the bartender screams at him._  
  


**SNAKE:**...Where the hell do you keep your wallet if you're just wearing boxers?!  
**OTACON:***Smugly* Scientists have more hiding places than mercenaries.  
**SNAKE:**_:::Smacks palm on head::: _God save us...  
**SNAKE:**Hey! If drinking in the dance area is not allowed ... why the hell do they have a bar in the dance area?!  
  


_Hal turns around and says, "Oh, I was just going to sit over there in that booth." He then points toward a dimly lighted section.   
  
"Hey mam, what is your name?" He asks.   
  
"Sorry, buddy. I'm a lesbian." She replies waving her finger at him  
  
_

**OTACON:***Responding to person in the story as himself* Hey, I don't care if you don't.  
**SNAKE:**Hey, lay off. Lesbians are**_ cool.  
_OTACON:** *blinks* It was a JOKE, man. I tried to make a JOKE. Do you have to trample all over me every chance you get, or WHAT? See, it's funny, because she doesn't like men, and I was treating it like it was --  
**SNAKE:**Geez!!! Lay off, Otacon... You're so weird....... You hater...._  
:::Smokes cigs while jumping up and down for no apparent reason:::_  
**OTACON:**What the heck are you doing?  
**SNAKE:**.....Stop getting so mad at me, Otacon... You're so weird.  
_:::Stops jumping up and down and proceeds to read the story:::_  


_Hal's face turns a deep shade of red. "Uhm no not that. I'm Hal Emmerich. I'm looking for a friend of mine,   
  
a young Asian woman, in her early 20's. Fairly attractive. I was supposed to meet her here."   
  
"Sorry, nobody of that description came here asking for a Hal Emerich."   
  
Hal reaches back into his wallet and pulls out his last bill.   
  
"If anybody, uhm asks for me, would you please tell me." Hal says as he hands the twenty-dollar bill to her.  
_  


**OTACON:***grumbles something about Snake being a "Baka Hentai"*  
**SNAKE:**_:::Turns to Otacon::: _What's that supposed to mean?  
**OTACON:**I'm not talking to you. u_u  
**SNAKE:**......... You're so weird....:::reads:::  


  
_"Sure buddy!" The bartender says as she pockets the bill. She turns around and goes to serve another customer.   
  
Hal sighs and walks over to an empty booth. He slowly sips on his beer.   
  
"Ugh, this brand is so bitter. He mutters as he pushes the bottle away from himself.   
  
_

**SNAKE:**Of course it's bitter! It's FOSTER'S, for crying out loud! _  
_

  
"Excuse me, sir but would you like to dance?"   
  


**OTACON:***gasp* DDR?_  
****_SNAKE: ......No, especially if it was a guy that was asking that? Where's the tone of voice?  
  


_Hal turns his head up to see a beautiful raven-haired female from whom those words just came from.   
  
"Uhm, Sure."   
  
Hal gets up and the woman drags him onto the dance floor. The music changes to a dance beat and   
  
Hal awkwardly moves to the beat of the music.   
  
"Come on you can dance a hell of a lot better then that."  
_  


**OTACON:**No I can't! I get a C on "Have You Ever Been Mellow"!!!!  
**SNAKE:**..... Yes, I can recall that... god, I always wake up in midnight to see you practicing on the stupid playstation DDR pad thingy...   
Maybe I should sleep in YOUR bed instead of the couch? You don't use it anyway, you spend all night on DDR!  
**OTACON:***looks at him blankly for a minute* ........ Why are we such losers?  
**SNAKE:**.........because we are?  
**OTACON:**Dammit, Snake! *clenches fist melodramatically* I thought you learned something at Shadow Moses! Who are we to just accept the destiny 'written in our genes'?!  
**SNAKE:**What's wrong with being a loser? I don't really care...  
**OTACON:**Let's break the mold! Break the worlds shell! -- For the revolution of the world!  
**SNAKE:**We're just losers, Otacon ... granted, you're a **_bigger _**loser than me, but we're losers. Accept it and move on.   
Now shut up, I'm trying to read.  
_:::Reads out loud so Otacon won't comment any further::: _"S_he says to him. "Just follow me."   
The woman grabs his hands and pulls him close to her.   
*please don't let me pop out god.* Hal thinks to himself.   
She then moves Hal according to the music. He slowly gets the idea and starts to dance without the woman's aid."_  
**OTACON:** *speaks over his reading* Never! My genes arn't the boss of me! Gaah! --- Hey!  
**SNAKE:**_:::Shoves a muffin in Otacon's mouth, then reads further:::_  
**OTACON:**Mmph--! *turns red from anger* >(  


  
_" Ha Ha, yes that's it baby. Close your eyes and feel the music."   
  
Hal follows her instructions and lets his body groove.   
  
"Very good Hal. Snake would be proud of you."   
  
Hal pauses in the middle of his movements. This is a different voice from before, a familiar one in fact. _  
  


**SNAKE:**Why would I be proud of you dancing, Otacon? Otacon? .......!!!!!  
**OTACON:**eee ii uner ooo eee iiiiich *spits muffin at him, it bounces off his head*   
**OTACON:***sarcasm* Gee. I wonder who it is.  
**SNAKE:**Ugh! _:::Yanks muffin off head::: _ Nasty... _:::Dumps it on the floor:::  
_It's Trinity from the Matrix, that's who it is ... follow the white bunny, Otacon.  
**OTACON:**... Geez, Snake. You gotta work on your sarcasm. You're getting lame on me, here.  
**SNAKE:**............_:::Reads, PO at Otacon's comments:::  
  
_

"Hi, Mei Ling?"   
"Yea, Its me. Open your eyes, ... and oh yeah keep dancing."   


  
**OTACON:** Wow, SHnake, I didn't SHee that one coming. I mean, that's almost as crazy as flying a hind "in thish kind of wethah."  
**SNAKE:**Of course you didn't see it coming! She called you on phone, told you to meet her in the club, but because of your profound forgetfulness, you come in wearing Disney boxers, you order a frickin' **_beer_**, you try to pick up from a lesbian, and you forget that she's meeting you there.  
Way to go, Otacon.  
**OTACON:**Hey, nobody's that bad!! >( -- Oh, and we're stopping when we're done reading this. I think you need to go take a nap. You're not funny at all.  
**SNAKE:**Hey! I know I'm not funny, I need a few extra pints of beer and whiskey and other lung corroding liquids for extra funniness...but **_you_ **won't let me go out to get some more.  


_  
"So, who was that Mei Ling?" Hal asks, implying about the missing dance partner.   
  
"Nobody to worry about Hal. I'm real scared. Everyone linked to Alaskan incident is being disposed of. Natasha was shot on her doorstep. A random drive-bye--  
  
_

**SNAKE:**Oh, really, she shows up acting all confident, and now she's real scared ... and she runs to the wrong guy! What a world.  
**OTACON:**OH MY GOD!!!! NASTASYA IS DEAD?!  
**SNAKE:**By a random drive-by. Weren't you reading?  
**OTACON:**THE MOST USELESS PERSON IN THE WHOLE GAME?!?!  
**OTACON:**That was SARCASM you baka. >(  
**SNAKE:**........And that was sarcasm, also. Geez, you're so weird. _:::Reads:::_  
**OTACON:**YOU DON'T COME BACK AT SARCASM WITH SARCASM! -- *cough gag* My throat..... >_9  
**SNAKE:**:::Starts to smoke, smirks:::_  
_  


_--Naomi is dead too. They found her hanging in her apartment   
  
on a pair of shoelaces.--  
_  


**SNAKE:****_NAOMI'S DEAD?! BECAUSE OF A PAIR OF SHOELACES?! _**That means my FoxDie disease will disappear... Joy to the world, the bitch is dead!  
**OTACON:** How would you manage that? "Well, lets see, if my feet go in here, then the laces tie up here...."  
**SNAKE:**"And I should pull this... ACK!!! NO!!!!" -- Figures... a brilliant scientist dies because she can't tie her shoes correctly...  
**OTACON:**Hahaha! Yeah! *tries to give Snake "props", but is just too white* High five! *readies for a high five*  
**SNAKE:**_:::Waves cigarette in Otacon's face:::_  
**OTACON:**Ahhh! *chokes again*  
  


_--Campbell has just disappeared. I called his house and he was gone."  
  
_

**OTACON:** Maybe he's on vacation? hm?  
**SNAKE:**Or maybe he's dead because he didn't know how to **_tie his shoes!!! _**I give the author 2 points for trying to think up a way to kill Campbell ... that's right, Campbell "mysteriously disappearing" is so much better than a shoelace death....  


_  
"I didn't know this was going on, Mei. I haven't talked to anyone about this in months."   
  
"Well, Campbell helped me get a job in Boston, so I still talked to him everyday. But then I just couldn't reach him. Two days later, I received a message.   
  
It was from Snake."  
_

  
**OTACON: **Yeah, Hi, Mei-Ling. I need a place to stay. Can I come crash at your place tonight? And tomorrow night? And ... forever...  
**SNAKE:**....That was lame.   
  


_Hal gasps, barely letting the words come out of his mouth "You spoke to him? What did he say?"   
  
"He said to go see Hal. That you could help me. Come on lets go someplace less secluded."  
_

  
**OTACON: **..... .... Is this a lemon?  
**SNAKE:**Why would I let her see you? I'd keep her all to myself, heh. No, it's not a lemon, stop jumping each time a person says, "Let's go someplace less secluded."...  
  


_Mei leads him toward the back of the club.   
  
"So what do we do now Mei?"_  


  
**OTACON: ** .... _Well_, I could think of a few things.....  
**SNAKE:**But you'd nosebleed to death...  
  


_"I don't know Hal. It seems like you know nothing. Shit. Well we have to..."   
  
"Excuse me Hal..." a voice interrupts.   
  
Hal turns around to see the pink haired bartender.   
  
"Some pretty large guys were looking for someone who didn't fit in, I think they meant you."   
  
"Oh, uhm is there another way out of this club?" He asks her.  
  
"Yeah, follow me." The bartender says pointing to hallway. _  
  


**SNAKE:**"Ahh! You led me right to the guys!!!"  
"Yeah, let's have some _fun!_"  
Well, the author got one thing right ... you _are_ too trusting...if that were me, I would snap the bartender's neck and kill the guys....  
  


_Mei and Hal follow the bartender down the back door to a Fire Exit. She pushes against the door and opens it up.   
  
"Thanks for coming, come back next week." The bartender says as she waves them out.   
  
Hal and Mei find themselves outside of the club.   
  
"Come on my car is this way, Mei." He says as they turn the corner._  
  


**SNAKE:**"**_That's_** your car? You're pathetic!!!"  
".........Shut up.... Snake took the Mercedes..."  
_  
_

"He he, nice wheels you got there Hal. Does it wind up?"   
  
"I'm a substitute teacher. I'm surprised that I could afford this."   
  
"Fine, so we are going to your apartment right? --  


  
**OTACON: ***pick up line style* I don't know, would you rather go to yours? My house is cold in the morning.   
**SNAKE:**_:::As Otacon::: _Wait, I'm sorry, my damn nose keeps bleeding when I think about that kind of stuff.  
_:::As Mei-Ling::: _..........Forget it....  
  


_--Is there enough room for me?"   
_  


**OTACON: **No, sorry. I live in a shoe box._  
_

  
"Yeah, there is room. It's my parent's place, Mei Ling. Don't you have a hotel room?"   
  
"Hal, I am 19, I don't have a credit card. How am I going to get a hotel room?"   
  
"You're 19? Wow! How did you get into the club?"   
  
"Hal, they only card the losers." Mei says rather smugly  
  


**SNAKE:**She's 19?  
**OTACON:**Barely legal.  
**SNAKE:**Hey, cool.... No, wait, 18 is barely legal, 19 is perfectly legal... get your facts straight, Otacon...  
**OTACON:**Hmm... Yeah. She can go buy porn, smoke cigarettes, obtain a gun/knife/powertool, but she can't get hammered. --- Not legally, anyway.  
**SNAKE:**Well, yeah ... but she could ask me, heh. Of course, there's no telling what would happen after that. _:::Wiggles eyebrows:::  
_

  
_"Oh. I got carded."   
  
Mei turns back to Hal.   
  
"Oh, I didn't mean it that way. You aren't a loser."  
_

  
**OTACON: **Yes I am.  
  


_Hal opens the car door and hits the power doors button. He sits down and places the key into the ignition.   
  
"Its okay. I'm not a party guy."   
  
"Hal, I'm sorry, you are such a party guy. Come on you, came to a club with Aladdin boxers. That is so cool."   
  
"Very funny, Mei it's obvious I didn't mean to dress this way. Sometimes I can…"_  
  


**SNAKE:**_"I can…" _- Aladdin boxer-wearing speak.  
**OTACON:***looks himself over* What the _hell _is the wrong with the way I dress?  
**SNAKE:**You wear your scientist coat everywhere, for starters ... and you wear a Gap T-shirt and jeans...  
**OTACON:**I do not... This shirt came in a BAG. With 10 other shirts just like it. For $3.99!  
**SNAKE:**Wow ... you're the big bargain boy, aren't you? You should wear a trenchcoat, like me ... once a person puts on a trenchcoat, he's automatically **_COOL_**.  
**OTACON:**Oy vey! What do I look Meshugenah to you??  
**SNAKE:**You look like a dork to me....  


  
_Two gunshots broke Hal's words.   
  
"Get those two!" a man's voice screams. Mei's voice shrieks as she jumps into the car. Hal hits the gas and his gremlin speeds down the Village street_  
  


**SNAKE: **Then breaks down in the middle of the road, thus allowing the men to catch up to Otacon and Mei-Ling and beat them and kill them in a very bloody way.  
The end.  
**OTACON:***tries to scroll down* Hey.... -- That is the end.  
**SNAKE:**Finally! We're done!  
**OTACON:**-- But there ARE two more chapters...  
**SNAKE:**_:::Gets out of the website:::  
_No, there's not! You're just imagining!   
**OTACON:**Ah, that's good. I was starting to think I was you.  
**SNAKE:**.............  
  


**The end.  
Thank GOD.  
  
And remember. E-mail Snake and Otacon with Questions and Comments at:  
MGSAnimeNerd@cs.com  
  
^_^V  
Otaku Out.**


	14. a Boaring Day

**The Daily Lives of Snake and Otacon  
**_By: Otaku Tess and Bad Ronald****_  


  
OTACON:*sitting at computer* Muhahah... *click click* Firewall my butt!  
**SNAKE:**.....? What are you doing?  
**OTACON:***click click* Huh? Oh... Nothing. *shuts down the computer* eheheeh! *rubs back of neck, sweatdrop*  
**SNAKE:**_:::Drinking JD::: _Dammit, are you hacking into them pentagon files again?!  
**OTACON:***chuckles nervously* Well, not exactly -- ya see --- *Phone rings, hastily answers it* Hello?  
**SNAKE:**............I wonder who that is.... _:::Smokes cigarette:::_  
**OTACON:**What? ---- No! ---- I said NO! ------ What freaking part of "no" don't you freaking understand?? ------------- Yeah.... ---- No.... --- NO! -- The "N" or the "O:?! ------ *blinks* ... --- .... the "O".... *slaps forehead* --No! He can't talk to you right now! GO THE HECK AWAY! Stop calling here!  
**SNAKE:**Who's that? _:::Reaches for phone:::_  
**OTACON: **GOOD-BYE! *hangs it up* Nobody! ... Geeze, this is like the 20th time he has called....  
**SNAKE:**Who did he want? _...... :::Picks up phone and starts dialing Star-69:::_  
**OTACON:***hits him with a mallet* Don't you dare!  
**SNAKE:**Why not?! _:::Hangs up and yanks mallet out of Otacon's hand:::  
_And where the hell do you keep getting these?!  
**OTACON:***reaches over and pushes a small button on the mallet, it immediately folds into a small cylinder* I built it...  
**SNAKE:**Hmm ... the cylinder is shaped weird...  
........  
Ugh!!! _:::Shoves "Cylinder" into Otacon's hand:::  
_Get that the hell away from me!!!  
**OTACON:**Uhg! Get your mind out of the gutter!! *hits him with the mallet again*  
-- I built it for OtaKon... One of my simpler gimmicks -- *shudder* You should have been there when I made that wrist watch that fired an energy blast identical to that of the Dragon Slave..  
**SNAKE:**.............. Cool ... ever watch hentai? Why not make some "Freaky stuff", if you know what I mean? You would make millions!  
**OTACON:**¬_¬ .... Hmmm.... Well I...-- NO!!! Ecchi!!! *beats him with the mallet*  
**SNAKE:**Ow! _:::Moves out of Mallet Swinging range::: _Geez... I shouldn't let you keep that thing... BTW, I want to know who that was...  
**OTACON:***puts mallet away* It was some guy that insisted I let him help out on your next mission. He kept saying he was a part of FOX HOUND....  
**SNAKE:**What was his name?  
**OTACON:***Shrugs* I don't remember. Some stupid code name. Trauma, or Psycho, or Tremor, or Mild Dilemma, or something like that.  
**SNAKE: **....Is he another depressed teenybopper?  
**OTACON:**Looks like it... Maybe he'll get into Linkin Park or something and leave US alone.  
**SNAKE:**Linkin Park? Linkin Park is nothing. Get him into CKY and he'll be gone in an hour. ...... I don't even like CKY...  
**OTACON:**Anyway -- *phone rings again* *picks it up* I THOUGHT I SAID STOP CALLING H--- *pauses* *looks to Snake*  
**OTACON:***looks back at the phone* Yeah... Yeah, I think I DO have a job for you AFTER all....   
**SNAKE:**A job?  
**OTACON: **What did you say you're name was?  
**SNAKE:**Solid Snake?  
**OTACON:***to Snake* -- I'm talking to _Zealous Boar_.  
**SNAKE:**Zealous Boar?  
**OTACON:***on phone* That's your name right? -- *to snake* -- Yeah. Zealous Boar. *on Phone* Yeah, I have a mission for you, so could you come by and --- hello? hello?  
*looks back to Snake* he hung up. O_o  
**BOAR:** *Suddenly pops up in the window behind Snake* I'm here!! WHAT DO YOU NEED, SIRS?!  
**OTACON: **AHHGG! Friggin' A! What the -- Heck?! -- *bonks himself in the forehead, exasperated* He was outside our window! -- What's with this guy?  
**BOAR:** Sir, Otacon, sir! Requesting permission to come inside, sirs!  
**OTACON:** Gah! Get in here... -_-O *sigh* Snake, meet our phone-stalker, Zealous Boar.  
**SNAKE:**Uhh ... hi ... you want a cigarette? *Offers Cig to Boar*  
**BOAR:** Before the two men stands a tall handsome young man in his early 20s, his jet black hair cascades like a waterfall onto his shoulders, but is held out of his way by a tattered head band that has seen better days. His blue eyes sparkle like diamonds, telling of the hard times he has endured, and the tragic, obscure past he has left behind--  
**OTACON: ** What the -- Heck are you talking about?! *bonks his own forehead again*  
**SNAKE:**Heh, I think he's funny! _ :::Pats Boar on the back::: _Nothing like a third-person schizophrenic to make our day!  
**BOAR: **But--- I'm introducing myself.  
**OTACON:** What do you think this is?! Dungeons and Dragons!?  
**BOAR: ** Well.... *ponders*  
**OTACON: ** That's not important, anyway... *siiigh* Look, just... do this.. Uhm, very important mission for Philanthropy, okay?  
**BOAR: ** *Salutes smartly* you got it! You ready for this, Snake? Snake? Snake? *pokes Snake*  
**SNAKE:**Hey, what?!  
**BOAR:**Ah! Sorry! *shealds himself* Ah... I mean. *stands tuff* Ya ready for a mission, Snake?  
**OTACON:** Look, uhh... Boar. Do you have any money?  
**SNAKE:**.... Yes, do you have any money? If you do, give all of it to me for confiscation..  
**BOAR:** Yeah I do but--  
**OTACON**: Don't listen to him -- He's joking. Ha. Ha. -- Look. You mission is to go to Round Table and pick us up a Pizza.  
**BOAR: ** *wrinkles nose* That doesn't sound like a real mission to me....  
**SNAKE:**It is! It's the MISSION OF ALL MISSIONS! ...I think... I mean, I'm always stuck with the "missions" and end up being chased by the police...  
**OTACON:**Yeah. I mean, he went to the store and got chased by the cops. And got a "Xmas" tree and got chased by the cops. And went to borrow a cup of sugar from the lady next-door and got chased by the cops. -- Trust me. You'll have fun. It'll be right up your ally.  
**SNAKE:**Yep. Right up your alley.... HEY! Otacon, the lady next door was putting those things in my face!  
**BOAR: ** All right. I'll do it. Come on, Snake. *vicously* We're getting a Pizza.  
**SNAKE:**No! I don't want to go! The cops! THE COPS!!!  
**OTACON: ** *aside to Snake* I need to stop hanging around you. I'm starting to think like you. *to Boar* Oh yeah, and we're changing your code name. You're "Aodaishou" now, got that?  
**BOAR:** No...--  
**OTACON:** Good. Now go! Both of you! *rushes them out the door*  
**SNAKE:**Ugh!..... Damn... Boar, you have any experience in running like hell?  
**BOAR:***nods affirmatively, this is what he was waiting for* Oh yeah! I've been trained fully.  
**SNAKE:**You might need to use it... Cops are attracted to me like flies are to a light ... or are those moths?  
**BOAR:**Before I joined Philanthropy I was trained by ex-Fox Hound members in every new weapon, as well as many fighting styles. I've been fighting since I was 10 years old because My parents were killed by ---  
**SNAKE: **That's nice. What kind of pizza do you want?  
**BOAR:** *stops abruptly, clenching fists* But-but -- you -- you can't interrupt my tragic past!  
**SNAKE:**_:::Facing him fully::: _Hey, kid, I've been interrupting people's tragic pasts ever since I joined Foxhound! So back off! Oh, there it is... Round Table...  
**BOAR:**But... --shoot ... this isn't what I had in mind... *kicks a rock and follows Snake into Round table*  
*The people in the restaurant stop and stair a moment at Boar, who is wearing a conspicuous sneaking suit And Snake, who has various guns and ammo holstered in various equally conspicuous places, despite his reasonable normal attire of jeans and a T-shirt  
WHAT?!  
*They look away, bored*  
**SNAKE:**Relax, Boar ... they won't bother you... HEY! A Dance Dance Revolution machine!  
**BOAR: ** Dance... dance... *twitches*  
**OTACON:** *Inturrupts on CODEC* -- There's a DDR machine there??  
**SNAKE:**_:::Walks up to the nearest DDR machine, with the confused Boar in tow:::_ Cool! Oh, what were we supposed to get? *then to Otacon* Uhh, yeah. _:::Takes out cash to spend on DDR:::_  
**BOAR:** Uhm... a Pizza....  
**OTACON:** DON'T YOU DARE, SNAKE!!  
**SNAKE:**:::Sulks::: That's not fair!   
**OTACON:** Snake. I have a proverb for you.  
**SNAKE:**...No!!! NO!!!!  
**OTACON:** "It is better to give than to receive." That means if you don't GIVE me my money back, you will RECEIVE the beating of your life!! Understand?  
**SNAKE:**...Ulp... _:::Suddenly thinks::: _Hey, this is Otacon we're talking about... _:::Rumbles slowly into the codec::: _What the hell do you think you are?  
**OTACON:**Hey. I'm the one with the mallet, here.  
**SNAKE:**_:::Suddenly cowers:::_ ...Okay.. _:::Walks up to the counter, noticing that the cashier (Or whatever) is a really hot girl:::  
_Hey ... do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?  
**Pizza Girl:__ **Uhh ... no?  
**SNAKE: **_:::Winks:::  
****_Pizza Girl:__ Eww! He's harassing me!!! :::Suddenly, a big burly manager shows up:::  
**SNAKE: **..........Suck.  
**OTACON:***fixes his glasses pointedly* You know, I hate to do this to you, Snake... But sometimes you just need to have things spelled out for you. I mean. No means No.  
**BOAR: ** --Huh?  
**OTACON:** No more stealing my money, Okay? ... Snake? SNAKE?!  
**BOAR:** *hums MGS gameover music in defeat*  
**SNAKE:**_:::Bartender calls 911:::  
_......will wonders never cease?  
_:::Police are suddenly waiting outside to raid the place:::  
_....I hate living in this world...  
**OTACON:** SNAAAKE!? .... *long pause* *shrugs and goes back to trying to hack into Anarchy On-Line*  
**BOAR: ** *looks to Snake* ... I hate you.  
**SNAKE:**:::Cops suddenly raid in, surprising the hapless Snake and the even-more hapless Boar:::  
:::Looks at Boar::: The feeling's mutual.  
_:::Runs like hell out the back door, leaving Boar to fend for himself:::  
****_BOAR: Huh? HUH? Ahh! *looks around in panic, shoots madly at the cops while trying to follow after Snake* WAIT! SNAAAKE! I'm sorry! *catches up outside* ... Sorry!  
**SNAKE:**_:::Out of breath:::  
_.........Did you just shoot at the cops?  
**BOAR:***smiles broadly* yeah!  
**SNAKE:**.......We're dead, you know that?  
**BOAR:**And.. and -- *sudden change of mood, faux remorse* .. I feel just TERRIBLE about that ... you know... KILLING _never_ gets any easier....  
**SNAKE:**_:::Cops suddenly run out the back door, finding Snake and Boar:::  
_Crap! _:::Grabs Boar::: _Run!!!! _:::Runs:::_  
**BOAR:***Is dragged behind Snake* Oh! This is just how I imagined it! I am sorry about what I said before!  
**SNAKE: **The hell?! _:::Drops Boar and runs, the cops in hot pursuit:::_  
**OTACON: ** Did you guys get food yet?  
**BOAR:** *hauls himself after Snake* Well ya see---!  
**OTACON:** Crap.... this is what I get... TWO Snakes.... *sighs* This is.... just about it. I can't take it anymore. Snake... Boar... I'll see you when you get home....   
**SNAKE:**AHH!!!   
_:::suddenly sees a police helicopter overhead:::  
_NOW how will we get out of this?  
**OTACON:** _IF_ you get home... *wanders into the kitchen, switching off his CODEC*  
**BOAR:** What the....-- *whimpers* What about Metal Gears....  
**SNAKE:**AAH!!! Otacon? Otacon? Dammit!  
_:::A police piloted Metal Gear suddenly rumbles in the distance::: ............_ _:::Looks to Boar::: _.....thanks. You just totally ruined our chances of going back to the safe haven that is Otacon's house. Great job.  
**BOAR: ** I DID?! _*is about to argue furiously with Snake when he hears the Metal gears* _ Uhh.... ...!?  
**SNAKE:**..... _:::Pats Boar on the back:::  
_Bye. _::Runs:::_  
**BOAR:**Crap! Snake! You bastard! *attempts to follow him*  
**SNAKE:**_:::Running::: _Hey, I know who my dad is! _:::They reach Otacon's house, the Police-Metal Gears in tow::: ::Suddenly_ blanches when he sees the police cruisers, _SWAT team vans, Police Metal Gears, and the police helicopter, all facing him:::_  
Just cause I hit on a pizza girl? _:::Suddenly gets an idea:::_  
**BOAR:**Geeze, you must be a _wanted_ Pervert.... o_o  
**SNAKE:**_:::Screams at them::: _Hey! It's Bin Laden! Over there! _:::All the cops, Metal Gears and Helicopter included, all look to where Snake is pointing at.::: _Now! _::Grabs Boar and jumps inside the house, breaking the window::: :::The cops look back, sees nothing, then...:::  
****_Cop 1: Oh, hell, I never liked this job anyway ... too much chasing after that one man ... who is he anyway?  
**Cop 2:** I don't know ... hey, let's go get donuts.  
**Captain: ** Great idea... GUYS! We're going for donuts!  
_:::The Metal Gears, the helicopter, and all the cop cruisers rumble away:::  
****_SNAKE: ....What kind of universe are we living in?  
**OTACON:** *is flopped on the couch watching Sailor Moon, with a bottle of JD in his hand, looks blankly over at Snake and Boar, who have just crashed through his window* Heheh. I'm SO gonna kill you guys ... once I can see straight again. *chuckles good naturedly*  
**SNAKE:**...... _:::Notices Otacon drinking JDs::: _....... _:::To Boar:::  
_....RUN!  
  
  


**Just wait until next time.  
I DARE you.**


	15. Tipsy Otaku

**"The Daily Lives of Snake and Otacon"  
**By: Bad Ronald and Otaku Tess**  
  
**_Now with more "DAILY" ...!_  


  
  
  
**OTACON:**_*is laying on the couch with a bottle of watermelon schnapps in one hand, still watching Sailor Moon, his face is slightly blushed and his glasses are gone* _ Sailor moon, you pansy. Throw you're freakin' tiara!  
**SNAKE:**Geez, Otacon, gimme the beer! This is scary! _:::Moves to grab beer bottle:::_  
**OTACON:**Hey! This is not beer! _*yanks it away*_  
It's Schnapps! It's better than beer.... It's like ... candy liquor.... heeheehee.... ^_^ _*squints at Snake*_ Hmm... _ *arches an eyebrow and takes two sips from his bottle_* heheh. _*snickers*_  
**SNAKE:** Yeah? I bet Jack Daniel's is better than it. _:::Snatches "Liquor" and drinks it down:::  
_.................  
You have another one of these?  
_:::Suddenly moves around the house in a frenzy, looking for Schnapps:::_  
**OTACON:** Hey! *stumbles to his feet* Ooph. *leans against the wall* We don't have anymore.  
**OTACON:** It was the only bottle... I don't know where it came from... Found it in the cabinet above the stove with all the cookbooks in it.... ^_^   
**SNAKE:** ........You didn't manage to also see some other things in there, right? _:::Face reddens:::_  
**OTACON:**... *Normally an immediate blush would give away the answer, but seeing as how he's already blushing it gives away nothing* ... Wah?  
**SNAKE:**...Nothing. _ :::Smokes, while smirking at Otacon's drunkenness:::  
****_OTACON:_*pause* _ Com'ere, Snake... Lemme tell ya somethin'... _*gestures drunkenly for him to come closer*_ ^_^  
**SNAKE:**_:::Comes closer, but warily watches Otacon::: _...?  
**OTACON:**Lemme tell ya something. _*continues gesturing, lets out an occasional drunken snicker*_ Com'ere...!  
**SNAKE:**_:::Leans closer:::  
****_OTACON:you and me.... I didn't think before ... but ... you know... You and me... _ *snicker*_ You and me... and you... You _know ... you_ know? _*chuckles*_ ^_^  
**OTACON:**Shhhhh..... _*puts a finger to his lips*_  
**SNAKE:** .......! _:::Backs off very quickly, his hand hovering dangerously near the butt of his gun:::_  
**OTACON:** _*bursts out laughing* _ Hahahaha! Like you've never been drunk before. _*still leaning against the wall* _Don't act so weird....  
**SNAKE:** ........? _:::Relaxes visibly::: _Heh, yeah, I knew that...  
**OTACON:** Oh, by the way, Snake... I got us some info somewhere or something... _*fumbles over to his laptop* *taps clumsily on the keys* *turns to Snake again, "quiet jesture"*_ Shhhhhhhh..... ^_^  
**SNAKE:** ...Uh-huh?  
**OTACON:** Well, remember earlier when the cops were chasing ya in Metal Gears? ^_^? _*Quite obvious that nothing can really bother him in this state, though if he gets much drunker it might turn angry*_  
**SNAKE:**Yeah, what about them?  
**OTACON:**Uhm............... _*long pause, flops backwards in chair blankly*_ ....... nani?  
**SNAKE:**Hmph. _:::Takes out a cigarette and smokes it, blowing a stream in Otacon's face:::_  
**OTACON:**_*snickers* *falls out of chair into a pile on the floor*_ You have cancer! Haha.... Erm..._ *crawles back into his chair and looks to the laptop*_ Where ... was I...?  
**SNAKE:**...! I do?! Really?! _:::Grabs Otacon and shakes him::: _I HAVE CANCER?! NOOOOO!!!!!! .... Is it testicular cancer? Because it's malfunctioning...  
**OTACON:**Ahhhh! --- Stop shaking me! I was gonna say somethin'....  
**SNAKE:**BUT IS IT TESTICULAR CANCER? IF IT'S BECAUSE OF THAT, THEN THAT'S THE REASON WHY MY THING WON'T WORK!!!!  
..... So is it?  
**OTACON:**---Oh YEAH! _*sing song*_ Yooou haaave a miiissiooon!  
**SNAKE:**Really? A mission? Going to the store? The Laundromat? To peek on the hot neighbor next door with your stealth suit? It can't be a REAL mission, obviously ... not with losers like us.  
_::Holds head up high, in a solemn way:::  
_We are the looooserrs......  
**OTACON:**_*points to lap top*_ Go destroy Police Metal Gear. It's parked outside .... _*flops head in direction of lap top, tried to read it, but can't see too well with distorted vision and no glasses* ._..?  
**SNAKE:**You mean the "Give a buck, get a F***" club?  
**OTACON:**_*turns somewhat brighter red*_ .... I guess so. _ *squints at him* _ ... Maybe this is a bad mission--  
**SNAKE:**Yeah, maybe... I don't even know how to destroy a Metal Gear anyway... _:::Smiles at his lame excuse, knowing that Otacon is too drunk to catch on it::: _...Yeah...  
**OTACON:**You're right.... Hmm... _*ponders* ... *grins at him with an ironic goodnature* _ You drank all my booze.  
**SNAKE:**Yes, I did.... _:::Takes out a small bottle of Chivas Regal and drinks it all in front of Otacon, thinking that he is too drunk to notice::: _.......  
**OTACON:**_*frowns*_ Hey! You owe me, buster! _*darn near tips out of chair again_* It's your fault I'm like this!  
**SNAKE:**_:::Steps back easily, avoiding Otacon::: _.... _:::Smirks::: _.... _ :::Then takes a deep swig from his drink:::_  
**OTACON:**_*sniffles* *mood swing* _ ... You hate me!  
**SNAKE:**...No I don't. _:::Hand Otacon a cigarette:::_  
**OTACON:**_*takes it absently and slips it behind his ear*_ ... thanks...  
**SNAKE:**_:::Smirks, amused at the thought of Otacon smoking::: _....Soo... What do we do now?  
**OTACON:**Why are you so mean to me, Snake ... you steal my money, and you.... steal my money.... And you make fun of me........... and....... things.... _*sniffle*_  
**SNAKE:**I'm not mean to you, Otacon! It's just my way of being friends... _:::Takes the cigarette out, lights it, then sticks it in Otacon's mouth, anxious to see what happens next:::_  
**OTACON:**Hmm...? _*looks at the cigarette distastefully for a moment, then shrugs*_  
**SNAKE:**...! _:::Sweatdrops::: _... _:::Backs away, nervous ... if Otacon could take a cigarette, why, he could even develop a nerve to KILL:::  
****_OTACON:_*Smiles at him pertly, then blows a smoke ring at him so he can look through it* _ ^_^ V  
**OTACON:**_*Smiles up at him broadly as the cigarette dangles precariously from his mouth*_ I was Spike in a Cosplay once. ^-^;  
**SNAKE:**...Spike? Uhh...okay...  
**OTACON:**I have the whole series of Cowboy Bebop on DVD. Wanna go watch 'em? I can show you Spike....  
**SNAKE:**Ok...  
**OTACON:***sniffle, tosses cigarette away, and throws his arms around Snake, crying into his chest* YOU DO CARE ABOUT ME!!  
**OTACON:**Normally you would just say "No, Otacon, you ungodly loser. If I sucked as bad as you I'd KILL myself. And If I watched your stupid cartoons I'd kill myself even faster...." But today you said _okay_! ^_^  
**SNAKE:**.... _:::Starts petting Otacon's head to calm him down, then pauses, realizing something very drastic::: _ ...What kind of shampoo do you use? You got some ... white stuff on your hair... ...!  
**OTACON:**I know. It's generic! I'm allergic to perfumes....! _*sobsobsob*_  
**SNAKE:**_:::Struggles to get away::: _Yeah... umm... OW, you're hugging me too hard!  
**OTACON:**_*latches onto him* _ I'm sorry, Snake... I am... But, but... I can't let you go now... I'm always losing people! If I let you go now-- _*wails like when Emma died, pauses*_ ;_; My life's a mess! All my dreams have been shattered!! -- I WANTED TO BE A BALLETRINA!!!!!!!!! _*sobs uncontrollably, and blatantly refuses to release Snake*_  
**SNAKE:**UGH! _:::Is now seriously disturbed, and struggles to get out:::_  
**OTACON:**_*slips to the floor* *sniffle* _... Sorry... *weakly* I don't know what came over me... ---  
**SNAKE:**Mm... _:::Picks Otacon up, dusts him off, then laughs at Otacon's dumb look:::  
****_OTACON:Hmm... *wobbles there for a minute* ... Snake, could you do me a favor?  
**SNAKE:**_Hm?_  
**OTACON:**Get me some hot black coffee?  
**SNAKE:**Uhh... I don't know how to make coffee... _:::Knows he is lying through his teeth ... but Otacon IS drunk:::_  
**OTACON:***Sighs* ... Snake....?  
**SNAKE:**...Yeah?  
**OTACON:**I'm a little drunk. But I'm not a retard.  
**SNAKE:**Oh... _:::Grumbles at being found out, then goes inside the kitchen to make some coffee:::_  
**OTACON:***sighs and plops into the chair, then flops his head down on the table*  
**SNAKE:**_:::Comes into kitchen with hot coffee,l then dumps it into Otacon's lap, "accidentally":::_  
**OTACON:***without lifting his head, flatly* ... Yeah... Well. That was sobering. Thanks a lot.  
**OTACON:**Say... *pause* Where's that Bore kid?  
**BOAR:** *From the bathroom* Hey! Help! You're toilet is over flowing! It looks bad!  
**SNAKE:**_:::To Boar::: _This is why they call you Boar?  
**BOAR:** Huh...? Nevermind! Just Get the plunger!  
**OTACON:***hits his head on the table* ... Oy...~! I'm never drinking again... --SNAKE! Go help him, Snake. You've busted that toilet tons of times. We can't afford to call a plumber ... so go fix it like you always have to. You're practically Rotorooter.  
**SNAKE:**... _:::Walks to the toilet and grabs the plunger out of the closet next to it, grumbling:::_  


_*As Snake goes into the bathroom with a plunger, the carpet slowly becomes soaked with water, it begins to leak onto the computer room floor where Otacon is sitting with his head on the table* _  


**OTACON: ** ...  


_*Meanwhile a fire starts up in the garbage can -- where Otacon unwittingly flicked his cigarette -- and it spreads to the kitchen cabnets*_  


**OTACON:** ... Yep. _ *hits his head on the table again, as water soaks his old school ADIDAS and a fire works its way towards him*  
****_BOAR:Crap! This is REALLY GROSS!   
**SNAKE:**_:::Accusingly::: _Well, who's FAULT do you think it is?!  
  
  
  


**Tune in next time, my minions!   
And Vote for ME for Sultan of the Universe!  
  
And E-mail Snake and Otacon with questions and Comments! PLEASE!! DO IT NOW!!!!  
MGSAnimeNerd@cs.com**  



	16. BIO - Otacon

**"The Daily Lives of Snake and Otacon"  
**By: Otaku Tess and Bad Ronald  
  
  
_CHARACTER BIOGRAPHIES AND VITAL STATISTICS_  


  


**OTACON**  


  
  
  
**OTACON:** Hmm... Okay. _*Snake stands in the background making faces, picking his nose and flicking the boogers at the back of Otacon's head, and generally causing distractions*_ Hey stop! -- Stop! KNOCK IT OFF, WILL YA?! ...._Snake_ was supposed to supply you faithful readers with the first Biography slash Vital Statistics for this series... But because he's a lazy bum that lost his form, he needs to wait for a new one while I fill out mine... _*ahem* ... *blushes slightly, pushes glasses back up his nose*_ ... I would also like to apologize for my behavior in the last episode, and let you all know that it will never never never ever happen again.  
**SNAKE: **Hah. _:::Gulps from a bottle of Schnapps:::_  
**OTACON: **_ *glares back at Snake for a second, as if to say "Hush up!!"*_ ... That sort of incident is not something I would like to repeat.  
Er... So without further ado... My biography! ^_^V _*Snake looks over his shoulder as he fills out the Form*****_  


  
real name:  
Dr. Hal Emmerich  
  


**SNAKE:** What is Hal Short for? Hallen? Halbert? Haladdin?  


  
**sex:  
**Male.  


  
**SNAKE: ** [Male. Male. Man.... Mailman! Heheh.] ... Sex: "Not until I was 20...."  
**OTACON:** _*Frowns sadly, turning back to Snake*_ ... -_-() Not since either...  


  
**age:**  
Mid 30s  
  


**SNAKE: **That would be..._ *counts years in head, for a moment, snickers* _ Over 10 years since you got L--  
**OTACON:** BAKA!!! _*Hits him with a mallet* _ This isn't second grade math!! Would you go fill out your own stupid Bio?!  
**SNAKE: **_ *undaunted*_ You're getting OLD!  
**OTACON:** TEMAE!!! _*Hits him with a mallet again*_ You're older than me!  
**SNAKE:** ...Geez, you didn't have to rub it in…  


  
**nationality:**  
Jewish  
  


**OTACON:** _*Taps pencil on table, warningly*_ ...If you say _ANYTHING_... I swear to _God_...  
**SNAKE:** _*Frowns at him, honestly offended*_ ...Hey, I'm _crude_. Not anti-Semitic. _*continues* _Oh, BTW, where's that Hitler action figure I gave you for Christmas?  
**OTACON:** That was out of line... ¬_¬  
  


  
**height:**  
177 cm  
  
**hair:**  
Brown  
  


**SNAKE: **Gray. And white. Use some shampoo. Geez, have you even got your PUBES yet?  
**OTACON: ** _*Twitches* _ ... NOT gonna dignify that vulgar comment with a response. -- Is it me, or are you getting meaner and cruder?  


  
**weight:**  
135 lbs.  
  


**SNAKE: **120... _125_... at the most. I mean, Otacon... You're so skinny you turned sideways and went invisible. And... Uhh... You're so skinny you went to a shooting range and were mistaken for a shooting target! _*chuckles*_  
**OTACON:**_ *frowns, and fumes, but continues filling out the form* _... Grr...  


  
**occupation:**  
Brains of Philanthropy   
  


**SNAKE: ** You're so skinny... When you got on top of your step Mom, she said, "Is it in yet?"  
**OTACON: **_*Fumes, pushes pencil to paper, angrily, the pencil breaks in two*_ >F _*warningly*_ Snake..... _ *Pauses for a minute before continuing -- with only half of a pencil* _ >\_  
  
_

Otaku, hacker ....Loser....  


  
**SNAKE:** Hey, being a loser is an honorary title… treat it with respect. Italic it.  
**OTACON:** _*glares up at Snake, grins smugly, and erases "Loser" and rewrites it in cursive before continuing* _... Heh.  
  


  
**hobbies:**  
Watching anime, going to anime conventions, building things to bring to anime cons _(such as gauntlets that fire "chi", mallets that appear as-if-from-nowhere, cars that fold into a wrist watch, and mech warrior suits),_ playing DDR and PS2 _(tm)_, playing with/collecting Neon Genesis Evangelion Models, hitting Snake with a mallet...  
  


**SNAKE:** ...For doing all the things on _my _Hobby list. ... Hey, don't think I like it… I just can't hit_ girls_...._ *folds arms*_ ...  
  


Learning useful  
  


**SNAKE:** --_Useless_.--  
  


Japanese words and phrases _(ex: "Baka ecchi hentai!" = "Stupid perverted weirdo!" and "Ika no ashi wa oi." = "The squid has many legs")_, hacking into government files and online games.  
  


**SNAKE:** "And pushing my glasses back up my nose."  
**OTACON:** _*Turns to him*_ Shut up. _*Pushes his glasses back up his nose* _ .... Hmph.  


  
**quotes:**  
Just about anything from MGS, regardless of who said it first.  
"Cigarettes, Snake?" "Stupid glasses!" "With friends like Snake who needs enemies?" "You drunkard!"  


**  
**

fav anime/video game:  
Currently "Neon Genesis Evangelion"  
And "Policenauts"  
  
**BIO/ANALYSIS:**  
Well, I was born and raised in some _nowhere_ town in a _somewhere_ state. My mother died when I was young and my father neglected me. I never went to school, but studied over the Internet.  
  


**SNAKE:** "...Thus paving my path to geekville."  
**OTACON:** _ *Attempts to ignore him*_ [Oh, you'll get yours, Snake.... Just you wait...]  
**SNAKE:** But really? ...You never went to school? Shame…  
**OTACON:** _*Continues ignoring him* _[180 I.Q. my spleen…]  


  
I went to Princeton and MIT.  
  


**SNAKE:** "... And thus completed my long trip to the heart of geekville, where I was nominated for president but lost to my butt-buddy Bill Gates."  


  
In my late teens my father remarried a woman by the name of Julie. Julie had a daughter by the name of Emma, whom I lovingly dubbed "E.E." Over the 2 years that Julie and my dad were married I had an affair with my step Mom. Thus precipitating my dad's suicide. I felt terrible, and ran away from home.  
  


**SNAKE:** At the age of, what? Twenty-two? _*Mockingly, or more mockingly than usual, anyway*_ Did you use your car?  
**OTACON:** Shut up. This is hard enough for me to write as it is. I'm trying to be professional. Couldn't you try it sometime?  
**SNAKE: ** That's not my way.  


  
I then got a job with ArmsTECH at Shadow Moses Island and unwittingly helped create the greatest nuclear weapon known to man, METAL GEAR. When Shadow Moses was seized by Terrorists I was locked in my lab where I was threatened by a scary ninja with a target on his forehead.  
  


**SNAKE:** "...And after wetting myself thoroughly I was rescued by a mysterious and dashing young man named 'Solid Snake'."  
**OTACON:** _*Snickers evilly and continues*_ ...  
  


I was then rescued by a weird guy, who quite frankly, gave off gay vibes.  
After helping Snake destroy Metal Gear, Snake hit the road with his new girl friend leaving me alone. Alone at least until Meryl kicked him the hell out... Then Snake moved in with ME to help form Philanthropy.  
While embarking on a mission to "the Big Shell" my sister Emma was stabbed. My was heart broken.  
  


**SNAKE:** "...because this person that I had known for a little while, and cared for to an extent, had died... I'd recalled feeling the same way about Sniper Wolf."  
**OTACON:** You insensitive jerk.... >_9  
**SNAKE:** Sorry. This is how I show my love.  
**OTACON:** Shut up... _ *sighs, puts his pencil down*_ That should about cover it... _*Gets up and leaves the form*  
****_SNAKE: _*Looks at the form briefly, before following Otacon out*_ I'm bored.... Can we go see a movie or something? I hear Collateral Damage is out... Arnie rocks!  
**OTACON:** *sighs* I don't have any money...  
**SNAKE: ** I do. Here's your wallet back, by the way…  
**OTACON:** HOW DO YOU KEEP DOING THAT?!?!  
  


~  
  


  


**Thanks to SolidSnake's Fury for the "You're Mama's so Skinny..." jokes!  
More to come...**  
  
  
**CONTACT US AT  
MGSANIMENERD@CS.COM  
**  
  
  
  
  



	17. Read and Review

  
**The Daily Lives of Snake and Otacon  
  
**By: Bad Ronald and Otaku Tess_  
  
  
Did ya see the E-mail?  
  
_

  
  
**SNAKE: **_:::Peering at the laptop::: _Who the hell is Bad Ronald?  
**OTACON:**_*in kitchen, pokes at burnt cabinets, some ashes crumble onto the counter*_ Dammit. Stupid firemen... Like they never had to deal with a drunk person before... Snake's called them tons of times. ...? Huh--? _ *goes into computer room* _ _Who_?  
**SNAKE:**I don't know... _:::Points at laptop::: _We got some mail.... see?  
_:::Shows Otacon Bad Ronald's E-Mail to him:::  
  
  
_

**Bad Ronald Date: 2001-12-11 Ch: 1 Signed **  
...   
Why did you go and do that?   
:::Looks around:::   
...   
:::Grabs flame extinguisher:::   
  
  


**OTACON:**What the heck is that?  
**SNAKE:**How the hell should I know? _::Starts smoking::: _  
Bad Ronald sounds kind of lame...  
_:::Rolls eyes:::  
_Flame extinguisher? Please. Everyone loves to read about our loser life, you know that, Otacon?  
**OTACON:** Read about? ... _*whimper* _... -_-;  
**SNAKE:** What, you didn't know? We're as gullible as that guy in The Truman Show ... the only thing is... We _know _that people are watching us.  
_:::Flips the audience off:::  
_See? ...!  
_:::Gets hit by random vegetables:::_  
**OTACON:**_*sighs, ignoring the extreme cartoon-like breech in his reality*_ What's that one say? _*points to next mail*_  
  


  
**Gyrick Date: 2001-12-16 Ch: 4 Signed**   
I like goofy stories, and this one is goofy!   
  


  
**SNAKE:**We're in a story? Since when? I thought people were WATCHING us ... so people are actually writing about us? _::: Suddenly looks around for rabid yaoi fangirls:::_  
**OTACON:**Shut up, loser! You're confusing people!  
**SNAKE:**Of course. We're made for that. I mean, we are featured in videogames, fanfictions, and tv shows! Well, only in commercials... Yeah. _:::Opens up the next mail:::  
  
_

  
**Gamesharkpro (Theman455@webtv.net) Date: 2001-12-22 Ch: 1 Anonymous **  
Kick ass!   


  
  
**OTACON:**I like that one.  
**SNAKE:**Yes. _I do_ kick ass. Otacon here doesn't ... actually, he likes to get his ass kicked, call it a fetish. Next.  
**OTACON:**I dunno. _*folds arms mockingly*_ You don't seem to mind when I hit you with a mallet. u_u  
**SNAKE:**...Hahaha... You know I can't hit _girls._ _:::Opens the next mail:::_  
**OTACON:**touche. >_  
  
  


**FanGirl^_^ (LilRhapsody@hotmail.com) Date: 2001-12-24 Ch: 7 Anonymous **  
yay! *claps* Hoorey For Random Goofyness! This one was great, but Snake going to the store is still my fav...More! Make more! random Goofyness withdrawl, ahhh...*melts* mooooooooooore...   
  


  
**SNAKE:**...? Random Goofyness?   
**OTACON:**Now. That there is a ME fan if ever I saw one.  
**SNAKE:**She didn't even MENTION you! She said she liked me going to the store ... was that when I got chased by the cops? .....  
Oh, I always get chased by the cops...  
**OTACON:**Trust me, my friend. She likes me the best. _ *winkwinknudgenudge*_  
**SNAKE:**....You're dreaming... _:::Hastily opens the next mail:::  
_How many of these have we got here anyway?  
  
  


**BlackDelo Date: 2001-12-25 Ch: 1 Signed **  
That was friggin groovy! I laughed my ass off! Have a cherry christmas.....geeze! ^_^   
  
  


**SNAKE:**Oh, yeah, that was the time I got chased by the cops for getting a christmas tree ... stupid cops ... they have no sense for the magic of Christmas!  
**OTACON:**Wow. You sound like a Christmas special...  
**SNAKE:**So? Christmas has a special place in my heart ... that was the first time I got laid...  
**OTACON:**... Good for you.  
**SNAKE:**...Yes, and not for you... Next...  
**OTACON:**Hey... I -- you -- stop -- ... _*studders and blushes*_ I could -- nrrrmmmm.... >\  
  
  


**Ari Date: 2001-12-25 Ch: 9 Signed **  
OTACON: GrrRrrRr.... Blah! Nobody ever sets "themselves" up with me!   
SNAKE: Nuh-uh!   
:::Clicks laptop:::   
See! Ari set me up with a girl who wishes me to life. And I'm 18. So she didn't set herself up with me ... there's a difference.   
OTACON: No love for the Otaku!   
OTACON: All those little fan fic author girls... Setting themselves up with you! What's so great about you!   
OMG...ROTFLMHO!!!! I was mentioned, wow...this is hilarious, guys. Also, Tess is sort of making an appearance to "help" Otacon, so just you wait, poor lil' Otacon...hehe..   


  
  
**OTACON:**Great. Thanks. Bring back painful thoughts and memories...._ *fixes glasses*_  
**SNAKE:**"OMG? ROTFLMHO?!" Is this girl _on_ something? Who's Tess? "Help" Otacon? Whatever...  
**OTACON:**Yeah... Who's _Tess_...? o_O The name sounds vaguely familiar. _*Speaks very poetically, as if possessed*_ ...Like something from a dream. A person from a far off time where music flows like water and fairy tales are written by rabbits.  
**SNAKE:** _ *Gives him a very strange look*_ ... I hope you don't get laid ... my God, how you would contaminate the world...  
  
  


**Maggoctopus Date: 2001-12-28 Ch: 1 Signed **  
this is SO on crack. XD I love it! keep it comin... *giggles* I love the grocery store one.. an the Ninja figure..   
  


  
**SNAKE:**Hahaha... "the Ninja figure"... _:::Flings the McFarlane Ninja action figure towards Otacon:::_  
**OTACON:**GAH!!!! _*dives under a chair*_ O_O I-willnotfear-fearisthemindkiller-fearisthesmalldeaththatbrings-totaloblivion!! >__ *whimper, covers head with hands*_  
**SNAKE:**_:::Smirks, then snatches up the Ninja Figure::: _Geez... Were you taking psychiatry classes? It never works on me... _:::Sniffs::: _Why, Meryl...?  
**OTACON:**Psychiatry classes? ... _*Realizes what he means* _ Oh! No no. You mean,_ Therapist_. I have a Therapist. She told me to come up with something to recite when I get frightened. Something that means something to me, you know ... that I could connect with. You see, she says I have a problem with --  
**SNAKE:**That's nice. Next.  
**OTACON:**_*sighs calmingly*_ That's fine. _ Fine_. You don't have to listen to my problems, that's what my therapist is for.  
**SNAKE:**_:::Snorts, then clicks on the next mail::: _ .....  
  
  


**Darkest Eyes () Date: 2002-01-01 Ch: 9 Anonymous **  
Gawd, this is funny stuff. I nearly pissed myself laughing! Keep it coming! Hehe. ;-)   
  


  
**SNAKE:**Well, guess what? I'm _drinking_ piss! _:::Takes a deep swig on Scnapps::: _By the way, if you _really _want to laugh ... listen to Otacon's problems and take note of his whiny voice. _:::Burp:::  
****_OTACON:_*reaches the the Shnapps*_ Well, if you don't like it... -- _*stops himself*_ -- NoNoNoNo....._. *winces*_ ... _*whines_* And My problems are not funny!!  
**SNAKE:**_:::Snickers::: _Suuure, they aren't.... _:::To audience::: _You see? Otacon's sooo pathetic...!  
_:::Gets hit with various vegetables thrown by Otacon-lovers:::  
****_OTACON:_*Blinks, again deciding to pretend that that all-too-comon breech in the hull of reality didn't happen* ...  
  
_  


**NightRain (lexxlite@netscape.net) Date: 2002-01-08 Ch: 9 Anonymous **  
Hilarious! So cute the daily lives of Snake and Otacon. The ones that stood out Jiminy Glick - love talk show humour, action figure scene and my fave the last xmas special #9. Where Rose mentioned how she'll castrate Raiden with a spoon..yea good stuff.   
  
  


**SNAKE:**Yeah, Jiminy Glick, that asshole... Didn't even let me _say _anything ... and doesn't he look like Martin Short?  
#9? Well, here's a surprise... Raiden is _already_ castrated...   
**OTACON:**He is?! How do _you_ know this, Snake??  
**SNAKE:**What, you didn't see the way he acted when he came over last time? He crossed his legs while _sitting on the couch!!_ That would be _impossible _for guys with balls...  
**OTACON:**_*Ponders for a moment*_ ... Well, I -- hmm... O_O ... I _kne_w that ROSE was bad news...._ *sighs sadly for Raiden*_  
  
  


**Eternal Jardin () Date: 2002-01-19 Ch: 10 Anonymous **  
hahahaha!!! this is one of the funniest things i've ever read! please keep it up!   
  
  


**SNAKE:**Well, I'm glad our loser life can provide your life with some satisfaction ... and that you're watching us every single moment of our lives... _:::Leans to Otacon::: Psst...I'm scared ... what if our ratings go down?  
****_OTACON:I could hit you with my mallet somemore, the audience seems to like seeing you get physically hurt?  
**SNAKE:**Yeah, maybe... I mean- NO! I hate getting hit by that mallet of yours! _:::Eyes the audience warily::: _  
**OTACON: ** _*musing* _More women? Maybe if we featured Rose a little more, too...  
**SNAKE:** That would only improve ratings if she was naked, had a tan, and was actually _hot_... well, Emma, that's another story... _:::Drools:::_  
**OTACON:** ..._ *looks pretty ticked at Snake for this remark and considers pulling the mallet on him, but then decides to take a different approch*_ ... I wish you wouldn't make personal remarks about my dead family members.  
**SNAKE: **BTW, your stepmom... was she hot?  
**OTACON: ** o_O;; My step mom's not dead. u_u  
**SNAKE: **...Dammit... well, moving on...  
**OTACON:** Yeah... _*sighs, looking back to the mail* _ That's it. These are boring. Let's only read the good ones.  
  
  


**JesDate: 2002-01-27Ch: 13Signed**  
That was freakin hilarious. The grocery chapter was espescially good. I laughed so hard that I puked.(no joking. I really did puke.) Please tell me there's more to come.  
  


  
**SNAKE:**You puked? Really? Well, what a coincidence! I puke too! _:::Rolls eyes::: _What's the matter with these people? Have they no shame?   
_:::Blanches at Otacon's confused glance::: _Laughing about our life, I mean...  
**OTACON:**... She's not crazy. Snake has the effect on people. _*then looks at Snake in disbelief*_ What the heck is_ wrong_ with you??? What are you TALKING about???  
**SNAKE:**....I have no idea? What was I saying again?   
**OTACON:**_*makes a sort of angry snorting sound* _... I think there's been a mistake, Snake... You're IQ's _not_ 180... It's _1.80_...  
**SNAKE:**1.80? Then that would be... :::_Tries to calculate in his head::: _Ow, dammit, gimme a calculator...  
**OTACON:***_sighs, and bonks himself in the forehead*_  
**SNAKE:**....forget it. _:::Opens the next:::  
  
  
_

**Silver Wolf Date: 2002-02-10Ch: 14Signed**  
Hahaha!! My fav was the Liquid and Ocelot one. They's all good. Keep writing, please. I hope to get some more fics done sometime. But great stuff, Tess!  


  
  
**SNAKE:**Liquid and Ocelot? Eww....  
**OTACON:**o_O _*a flying vegetable hits him in the head*_ OUCH!!! Dammit!! _*Holds head*_ Snake, stop stinking up the place!  
**SNAKE: **Huh? What did I say?  
**OTACON: **Nothing! _*slaps foehead*_ This is just-- I dunno. You're boring....  
**SNAKE:**I got up at 8:00 in the morning to answer the mail! Of course I'm boring ... dammit, gimme some coffee!  
**OTACON:**_*smiles, happily*_ ^__^ Okay! _*runs off to the kitchen*_  
**SNAKE:** Hmph... _:::Opens the next mail:::  
  
  
_

**JRR006 (anubis5_0@hotmail.com) Date: 2002-02-26 Ch: 15 Anonymous **  
hahahahah...! Drunken Otacon, always good for a laugh. You have made my day so much better. LOL I love the whole "you do care about me!" bit, that's hilarious!   
  
  


**OTACON:** _*Loud Espesso/Coffee noises come from the kitchen* *hums*_ Hmm mmm...  
**SNAKE: ** There you go Otacon, you- _:::Looks around, hears Otacon humming in the background:::   
_Heh, a drunken Otacon ... it's not good for a laugh, it's good for a SCARY MOVIE! He scares me to death when he's whining, so he'd be even scarier if he was drunk...  
_:::Mimics Otacon:::_Wah, wah, my big machine's being used for evil, and Wolfy got her ass kicked by Snake, and my half-sister, Emma, who's really, really hot and has a tight ass, by the way, is DEAD!!! WAAAAAH... what a crybaby...  
**OTACON:**_*enters behind Snake with the coffee, hearing just about everything he said, smile fades into an angry twitch, moves to stand directly behind Snake, lifts the steaming hot cup of coffee above Snake's head, and quite deliberately turns the cup upside down, dumping the contents on Snake's head. * *Mock astonishment* _ Woops!  
**SNAKE:**_:::Jumps five feet in the air from the scalding coffee::: ****_AUGH!!! _:::Thrusts his face in front of Otacon, screaming melodramatically::: ****_HOW DARE YOU?! I WAS YOUR FRIEND!!! HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME!!! _:::Stops, realizing what he is doing::: _...Now that was dumb, wasn't it?  
**OTACON:**Aww... *_Dusts him off, in a calming manner, Faux sympathy*_ Snake, Snake.... I am really sorry about that, you know. But, if it really bothers you, then you can always tell your therapist about it. I'm sure My _accidentally_ dumping coffee on you will be a much simpler problem to solve, then say you're inability to maintain a healthy relationship with a woman. *_To self_* I mean, POOR Meryl... What must she have GONE through? Golly... It's just... -- you loved her SO much, and she DUMPED you... _*sigh*_ And not to mention that PTSD... I hear you talking in your sleep sometimes... I mean, all this trauma with your best friend that you KILLED... *sigh* Poor Frank Jaeger... I hope you don't turn on ME too... Buuuut, I shouldn't have anything to worry about as long as I pay the cable bill... Then you'll be too busy watching GENERAL HOSPITAL to worry about what I'm doing.  
**SNAKE:**_:::Stands there with his mouth open, glaring at Otacon::: _...HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW ABOUT MY VISITS TO THE THERAPIST?!?!?! ...and don't dis my Meryl! ...Not that she's mine anymore... :( ................And as for Frank, I didn't want to kill him, you got that? It's not my fault I ended up in a friggin' MINEFIELD battle with him! And lay off General Hospital! Carly's still hot. A total bitch, but still hot.  
**OTACON:**_*Too busy Smiling broadly to really pay attention to his comeback* *siiigh* _ that is soooo much more relieving than hitting you with a mallet. Oh -- Jeeze! I have wanted to say that to you FOREVER! ^______^ Maybe you'll lay off me now, eh?  
**SNAKE:** ...No, not really. Your history was way more traumatic than mine. I just had to kill my dad, my brothers, my best friend, and leave my girl. YOU, on the other hand, had to sleep with your step-mom, cope with the death of your dad, cope with the death of Wolf, cope with the death of Emma, and cope with me living with you. Sucks to be you, Otacon...   
**OTACON:**_*Laughs and points at him*_ AT LEAST I WASN'T REPLACED BY A PANSY ASS PRETTY BOY THAT WHINES LIKE A PUPPY!!!! HAHAHAHA! I WIN! YOU LOSE!! I AM SO FR33KING L33T!!!! MUAHAHAH! I R0X0RZ YOUR B0X0RZ!! _ *Laughs maniacally, and runs down the hall, leaving Snake there in confusion, his bedroom door slams, silence, door swings opened for a split second* _SUX0RZ-2-B-U! _*Door slams again, as the sound of the Neon Genesis Evangelion Soundtrack fills the house at full volume*_  
**SNAKE:**...Whoa. I actually don't mind being replaced anymore, my therapist helped me with that... but, oh well. _:::Goes to the computer and opens the next mail, all the while downloading Sniper Wolf and Emma nudie pics off the internet:::_  
**OTACON:**_*Calls down the hall, over the blaring music*_ I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!! DON'T MESS WITH MY L33T HAX0RZ SKILLZ!!! _*silence again, though music continues*_  
**SNAKE:**...! _:::After a while, he goes on to what he is doing:::  
  
_

  
**scarbie Date: 2002-02-26 Ch: 15 Signed **  
Hahahaha! My poor Otacon now he knows never to get crunk. Snake was really sweet in this chapter...in his own way of course. Otacon cosplaying as Spike, hilarious. Cowboy Bebop what a great show. I think Snake would like it! *LOL* I really have to think of a question for the guys now!   


  
**SNAKE:****YOU SPELLED DRUNK WRONG! ** Sorry about that, Scarbie, it is one of my pet peeves ... and as for Japanese Animation, I will never watch any one of Otacon's ungodly cartoons... I swear, that man's cartoon fetish is more scary than my cardboard box fetish...err ... that is, if I had a fetish. Yeah.  
And also, if I were Otacon, I'd kill myself, and if I watch _one _of Otacon's stupid cartoons, I'd kill myself even faster, no doubt about it.   
  
  


**Musouka Date: 2002-02-27 Ch: 13 Signed **  
Well, this has to do with your latest chapter...the stupid thing won't let me review again, though.   
ANYway, here you go! It's Snake, Raiden, and Otacon drunk:   
http://www.aa.alpha-net.ne.jp/miuring/mgs9.htm   
I love Japanese fansites...   


  
  
**SNAKE:**... _:::Looks at the picture::: **YEAH!!!! **_Otacon, come over here and look at this! Man, the girl I'm holding looks pretty hot... mmm... ---THE HELL?! That's RAIDEN!!!! UGH!   
**OTACON:** _ *From room, obviously has been monitoring what he is doing*****_ SNAKE, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU GROPING RAIDEN?!?!  
  
  


**otacon (www.otacon2k@aol.com) Date: 2002-03-03 Ch: 1 Anonymous **  
that was real funny you should make more about metal gear solid but make one when raiden and snake get in a big fight about snake going out with rose   


  
  
**SNAKE:**_:::To Otacon::: _It's not my fault Raiden looks like a chick! _:::Reads the next mail:::  
_.......... No way in hell will I try to go out with Rose. I like my balls just the way they are. _:::Gets a sudden pain "Down There"::: _On second thought...  
**OTACON: ** WHO'S _THAT_ LOSER?! _*to the air, "quoting" Snake from MGS2*_ YOU'RE NOT OTACON! STOP IMPERSONATING HIM!!  
**SNAKE:**....... _:::to himself::: _Yep, Otacon's been hitting the bong... _::Checks the next mail, only to realize that there is none.::: _  
**FINALLY! **Geez... who the hell is writing about us, anyway...   
Otacon! I'm going out to get some beer and some hookers! Want one?  
  
  
  


**end.  
for now.  
I did _not _rip off that l33t hax0r thing from that Chat Fic.  
I'd been planning his little explosion of insanity for awhile now. ^_~ But not to worry, Otacon'll be back to normal soon.... I'm sure his therapist had something to do with this. "Don't hold your anger inside..." Heehee... ^-^;;;  
  
E-MAIL SNAKE AND OTACON AT  
WACKYSPOONFORK@CS.COM  
  
_(mgsanimenerd is now dead, don't e-mail there)_**  



	18. BIO - Snake

**"The Daily Lives of Snake and Otacon"  
**By: Otaku Tess and Bad Ronald  
  
  
_CHARACTER BIOGRAPHIES AND VITAL STATISTICS_  


  
  


**SOLID SNAKE  
  
  
real name:  
**A name means nothing on the battlefield...   


  
  
**OTACON: ** You're not writing on a battlefield, Snake.  


  
  
.... .... .... It's David...**  
  
  
sex:  
**No, thanks. Mr. Floppy needs some rest.  


  
  
**OTACON:** MR. FLOPPY?!?! A_ rest_??? O_O What have you been doing in my _house_??  
**SNAKE:** ...? That's for you to know and for me to... I mean ... forget it.  
**OTACON: ** ... _*gets a brief flashback of the "girly-poster" episode back on the tanker and shudders inwardly* _ >_  
  
**  
**

age:  
Old enough to know what death looks like.... He looks REAL funny... Otacon calls him Duo, the God of Death? Whatever.  
  
  


**OTACON: ** Ahh.... Gundam Wing. _*heart*****_  


  
  
nationality:  
Half "american," half Japanese, half black  


  
  
**OTACON:** ... That's too many halves.  
**SNAKE:** Based on your fancy _sciencey_ ways, that may be true ... but to MY realistic ideals ... well ... now that you mention it...-- forget it, I'm always right and you're always wrong. Anyway... _:::Gets back to writing:::_  
**OTACON:** And you're not black. o_O;  
**SNAKE:** Why do you think _it's_ so _big,_ then?  
**OTACON: **_ *blanches_* ... "Mr. Floppy?!"  
**SNAKE:** Shut up. I'm trying to write.  
**  
**

  
height:  
182 cm ... I know you girls like that.  
  


**OTACON:** _*Calculates in his head*_ That's about.... 6'2", ne?  
**SNAKE:** Show off...  


  
  
**hair:  
**Brown  
  


**OTACON:** It is not!  
**SNAKE:** *_nervous*_ What the hell are you talking about?  
**OTACON: ** It's blond. I can see your roots! You use the same dye I do! It's blond.  
**SNAKE:** .... No it's not.  
**OTACON:** You know, you're right. You're getting pretty old. It's probably gray.  
**SNAKE: ** Hey, it's not gray! Besides, _you_ went gray at 20.  
**OTACON:** Hey! Two blondes walk into a bar. OUCH~! Heheh ^-^ _*snickers* _...  
**SNAKE: ** _*blanches_* ... And you think _I'm_ dumb?  
**OTACON:** Okay, okay, A blonde, a brunette and a redhead fell off a building. Which one landed last?  
**SNAKE: ** Do we have to perpetuate stereotypes?  
**OTACON: ** You~! You had to call me up on the CODEC and ask me what to do next!! Hahahah~~! I kill myself...  
**SNAKE:** ... I wish you would...  
**OTACON:** Nah. I got _these_. _ *rattles a bottle of antidepressants in his ear* _ ^_^  
**SNAKE:** ... that explains a lot...  
  


  
**weight:**  
...? Why? Nervous that I might be too heavy when I get on top of you? Don't worry, you'll love it ... they all do. I think.  
  
  


**OTACON:** Don't count on it, Snake. Chicks dig scrawny pale guys. ^_^  
**SNAKE: **Only if they're name's not Hal Emmerich. If it is, then only a chick with the name "Julie Emmerich" will be into you.  
**OTACON:** ... LEAVE ME ALONE ABOUT THAT, WILL YA?! *_eyes well up with angry tears*_ >*(  
**SNAKE: **Whoa.... I'm sorry...  
_:::Hands Otacon a cigarette:::_  
**OTACON:** *_Frowns, and snatches it, sticking it behind his ear*_ *Grumbles something about "feeling bad enough as it is"*  
  
  


  
**occupation: **  
The Brawns of Philanthropy, Mercenary, slacker, **_LOSER!!!!!_** Yeah!  
  
  


**OTACON:** ... _*sigh*****_  


  
  
**hobbies:**  
Eating, drinking, peeing, smoking, peeing, sleeping, blinking, peeing, reading fan fictions about myself (lemons...c'mon, make more! That sniper wolf one was hot! One about me and Emma would be cool, too!)  
  


**OTACON: **_*Considers pummeling him with the mallet, but instead decides to pretend he didn't notice that last part, silently fumes*_ ...  


  
  
Peeing, playing Counter-Strike, peeing, using Otacon's stealth suit to spy on sexy neighbors, peeing,  
  
  


**OTACON:** I'm beginning to pick up a pattern here...  


  
  
making fun of Otacon, hijacking Otacon's car, palming Otacon's wallet, peeing on Otacon's rug, playing with MGS figures. PORN! E-BAY! PORN! ... Peeing.  
  
  
**Quotes:**  
"Guns don't kill people... I do."   
"It's the spirit of christmas!"  
"That's it... everything's gone to _hell_."  
"Colonel, what the _hell _just happened?!"   
"Naomi, what the _hell_?"   
"What the _hell _are YOU talking about?"   
"What the _hell_ are you doing here?!"   
  
  


**OTACON:** Another pattern! Very good, Snake._ *Condecendingly* _ Next I want you to match the shape with its respective hole.  
**SNAKE: _:_**::Genuinely confused::: Huh?  
**OTACON: **_*Sighing* _You know... like one of those child's puzzle games. Patterns and puzzles. Literally child's play.  
**SNAKE:** Oh, I kept failing that test in kindergarten for some reason... Doesn't the square thingy go in the circle thingy?  
**OTACON:** Wow, blondey. I was expecting a vulgar comment. O_o ... Just when I think I've got you figured out.  
**SNAKE: **Oh, yeah. Silly me... The hell are you talking about?  
**OTACON:** _*blushes*_ Nevermind! -- I didn't have anything in mind, I mean! I wasn't assuming there was some sort of thing you would _say_. Ehehehe! ^_^;;;;;  
**SNAKE:** Huh? You want me to say something about you screwing your stepmom? Okay... _:::Opens mouth to speak:::   
****_OTACON: _*Beats him with mallet, not a second spared*_  
**SNAKE: **Ow! :_::Gets out of mallet-swinging range, Otacon retracts the mallet:: _Hey! It's funny you'll love it! I was only gonna say--!_  
****_OTACON:_ *spits shrilly at him, too angry to control the words he's Saying* .... What_ I actually had in mind was a vulgar comment about a "hole" and a respective "shape" suggestive of intercourse---!! _*cuts off abruptly, blushing furiously realizing what just came out of his mouth, blanches*  
****_SNAKE:_*clarity* _Oohhh... okay, then! Well, your stepmom--  
**OTACON: **_:::Flings open his mallet::: _...  
**SNAKE: ** ...er ...nevermind. _*sits back down, quietly*_  
  
  


"What the hell do you think you're doing?!"  
"Eh? The hell?"  
"Why the hell won't it get up?! Gimme the damn viagra!"  
"Don't worry... I can still drive... I've only had ... twenty cans of beer, but I can still... drive... _:::Snoring:::"  
  
  
_

**OTACON:** ...Whereafter I respond with a heartfelt howl of terror for my very life._  
_

  
  
**fav FanFic:**  
"Prison Desires" (The best read of my life! What the hell is a "womanhood", anyway?)  
  
  


**OTACON:** _:::A bright red vein can be seen pulsing on his forehead, hands flex angrily and knuckles crack:::_  
  
  


"Metal Gear Solid: Messengers of Truth" (I love it! Bad Ronald's got my character down! Read it and review it! You'll be glad you did...)  
"The Daily Lives Of Snake And Otacon" (A great gut-buster! It's so funny, it's not even funny! Oh ... that's _my_ life... forget it.)  
  
  


**SNAKE: **_*Gets up to leave* ..._  
**OTACON: ** Wait! What are you doing??  
**SNAKE:**I'm tired and my hand hurts... and I can't find my daily copy of FHM!  
**OTACON:**What?? No! You have to write your Bio! Your past! Your personal analysis of your character!!! I did it! Now you have to!  
**SNAKE:**No! I'm tired! I want my teacakes!   
**OTACON: ** _:::Gives Snake an odd look:::**  
**_SNAKE: What?  
**OTACON:**_*Pushes him over and sits him back down in the chair* _ Write. >[  
**SNAKE:**_:::Growls and picks up pencil:::   
_..........  
_:::Starts writing:::  
****_OTACON: Thank you. _*reads eagerly over his shoulder*_  
  
  


**BIO/ANALYSIS:  
  
  
**My name's Solid Snake. Call me Snake.   
  
  


**OTACON: **Very original.**  
SNAKE: **... Like Otacon is original?  
**OTACON: **Well, yeah, duh! It's "Otaku," "Convention," and put those together, what do you get?  
**SNAKE: **A room full of cartoon geeks.  
**OTACON: **...  
  


  
I'm an ex-FOX-HOUND member.   


  
  
**OTACON:** And Meryl's ex-boyfriend.  
**SNAKE: **At least she's still alive...  
**OTACON: **... Urp..! Leave me alone, Mr. I-Need-A-Therapist! >[   
**SNAKE: **Hey, you needed a therapist, too! You got her before me! Geez...  
  
  


Single. IQ 180.   


  
  
**OTACON: **_*Cough_* Yeah right..._ *Cough*  
****_SNAKE: _ :::Gives Otacon a dirty look, then continues writing:::  
  
_  


I speak 6 languages fluently.   


  
**  
OTACON:** _ Usohappyaku wa Hebi  
****_SNAKE: Huh?  
**OTACON:** I rest my case.   
  
  


I'm an expert in parachuting, SCUBA diving, and free climbing.   
I'm also known as "The man that makes the impossible possible".   
I'm also the man who made the name FOX-HOUND known worldwide through my actions during the OUTER HEAVEN Crisis.  


  
  
**OTACON: **You're also the man who peed on my carpet and used my playstation as an astray!  
**SNAKE:** There was no astray in the house...  
**OTACON: **Well, I didn't expect you to bring cartons of cigarettes in my house, did I!  
**SNAKE: **With me, you can always expect a few cigarettes...  
**OTACON**_: *blanches* ****_ _A few_?  
**SNAKE:** Err... a few _crateloads_ of cigarettes.  
**OTACON: **There we go.  
  


  
My first mission was to go to Zanzibar and find out what was happening and get back Gray Fox. I was green at that time. I found out that Big Boss, my "dad", was behind the whole thing. I beat him, and I saved Gray Fox.  
Ever since, I spent "rehab" time in deep Canada  


  
  
**OTACON: ** _*snorts*_ Rehab? _*pantomimes drinking from a bottle*_ Feh.   
**SNAKE: ** At least I'm not addicted to cartoons...  
**OTACON: **At least cartoons don't rot your liver. >P_*sticks his tongue out at him*  
****_SNAKE: ... touche..._  
  
_  


but then, I was brought back by Campbell to take part in the Uprising In Zanzibar Incident, completing an infiltration mission to bring down the military state of Zanzibar.   
Just for your information... I kicked their asses.  
After the death of Big Boss, I went back to my solitary and insanely boring life in the Twin Lakes area in the Alaskan Mountains.   
I used to talk about these peaceful days to Meryl.  


  
  
**OTACON: **And because of that, she--  
**SNAKE: **Shut up, or I bury this fist in your nose.  
**OTACON: **_*Sneers* _You don't have the guts.  
**SNAKE: **_:::Smiles wryly::: _Yeah, you're right, I can't hit--  
**OTACON: **Girls, yeah, yeah, get some new material...  
**SNAKE: **...   
  
  


I lived in a log house-  


  
  
**OTACON: **Let me guess... FoxHound's pay sucks.  
**SNAKE: **At least I don't waste my money on cartoons.  
**OTACON: **At least I don't waste my money on cigarettes and beer.  
**SNAKE: **Dammit, it always comes back to that.  
  
  


-and picked blueberries and salmonberries just like the wild animals around me. I was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)   
  
  


**SNAKE:** If you even say _anything_...  
**OTACON: **What the- What did I do?  
**SNAKE:** ...I don't know... whatever.  
**OTACON: ** _*suddenly*_ --Holy crap!! Is that a helicopter I hear?!  
**SNAKE: **HUHN?!?! _*Dives under his chair*_ Hit the dirt!! Charlie's over at the bunker! GET THE ROCKET LAUNCHER!!! .._.. *After a moment*_ ... _*looks up to Otacon angrily, crawling back into his chair*_ ... I hate you.  
**OTACON:** That's pay back for the "Hitler doll," my friend. _*fixes his glasses*_  
  
  


  
which I got through the two chaotic missions.   
The abnormal experiences and trauma in the battlefields bring about illusions as well as guilt, some that caused me mental confusion while in solitude. I indulged in dog sleigh races once in a while to try and forget everything.  


  
  
**OTACON: ** _*sniffles saddly* _ .... Snake, I never knew....  
**SNAKE: **_*frowns*_ Yeah, well. Don't get all sentimental on me.  
**OTACON: ** _*sobs* _ Oh, Snake!! I'm sorry! _*hugs him*_ We're not so different! Here. _ *slips the bottle of antidepressants into his hand*_ ... take these. I want you to have them._  
****_SNAKE: --Err ... thanks. Uhh.... Could you get off of me? _ *pockets the pills*_  
**OTACON: ** Oh, yeah. Sorry. _*lets go indifferently*_ ...  
  


  
I was preparing for the world's longest and toughest dog sleigh race taking place at Iditarod when I was given another mission by Campbell. That old bastard...  
  
  


**BOTH:** _:::Look at the paper for a moment, and nod approvingly, and walk off::: _...  
  
  
  
  


**Next episode's a doozy.  
  
e-mail us at  
WACKYSPOONFORK@CS.COM  
^___^  
**


	19. Shameless Self Insert

  


**The Daily Lives of Snake and Otacon**  
_By: Bad Ronald and Otaku Tess_  


  


After a looong hiatus we're back with a very special episode.  
You get to meet the authors in an infamous Self Insert~!  
Watch the insanity ensue.  
^_^  


  
  
**OTACON:**Snake? Snaake? _ *looking around the house for him* _ Good news Snake!  
**SNAKE:**_:::Looking at nude pictures of Emma and Sniper Wolf in Otacon's Laptop while reading fics of Emma being screwed by various characters:::_  
...?  
**OTACON:**_*spots him*_ What the heck are you reading~~~? *_looks over his shoulder, blaches* _Snake!!  
**SNAKE:**.... .... ... ...! Otacon! I can explain!  
**OTACON:**Your finger slipped? _ *sighs_* Listen. I made us an appointment with my therapist.  
**SNAKE:**:_::Continues to look through Otacon's laptop, which is filled with tons of stuff that Otacon wouldn't like:::_ So?  
**OTACON:**_*pauses a long moment*_ ... You.... don't have anything to add?  
No "What the hell for?" No "But I don't need a therapist, they don't work on me"? No "But, Otacon, we can't be helped, we're LOSERS..."? _*sigh*_  
**SNAKE:**No. I'm too busy looking through naked pics of your...  
_:::Looks at Otacon::_: Oh. Forgot you were there.  
_:::Shuts down laptop:::_  
What were you saying?  
**OTACON:**Urg.... It's like, right now. So we have to go.... And *I* am driving. u_U  
**SNAKE:**Uhh... okay.  
**OTACON:**_*Pulls Snake out the door. Gets in, making sure he gets in on the drivers side_* ... There. *_drives off, gets down the street, screeches to a halt, and drives back to get Snake*_ .... _9  
**SNAKE:**... _::Gets in car, and starts smoking with the windows down::: _...  
**OTACON:**Snake. Stop smoking with the windows down. u-U  
**SNAKE:**No. _:::takes a deep breath of lung-corroding smoke:::_ ..Hey! Where are we going? Why am I in your car?  
**OTACON:**Doof! _9 I can't decide which one of us is worse off.  
**SNAKE:**_:::Takes a deep drag and blows the smoke in Otacon's face:::_  
...? Can I drive? You drive like old people screw...  
**OTACON:**I don't want to know what you mean by that.  
**SNAKE:**Hmph... are we there yet?  
**OTACON:**And I drive fine. I drive normal. u-U *_gets cut off by someone*_ URRGG! YOU CRAZY ASS HOLE! LEARN TO ****ING DRIVE! GOD DAMMIT!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?! _*calms* _ What were you saying...?  
**SNAKE:**... You forgot to roll the window down and use your middle finger?  
**OTACON:***looks at him strangely, doesn't seem even remotely conscious of his outburst* ... What are you talking about? Feh, weirdo.  
**SNAKE:**... are we there yet?  
**OTACON:**No.  
**SNAKE:**... are we there yet?  
**OTACON:**No.  
**SNAKE:**... are we there yet?  
**OTACON:**No.  
**SNAKE:**... Yet?  
**OTACON:**No.  
**SNAKE:**... yet?  
**OTACON:**No.  
**SNAKE:**... yet?  
**OTACON:**No.  
**SNAKE:**... yet?  
**OTACON:**No.  
**SNAKE: ** How about now?  
**OTACON:**Yes. _*parks abruptly and steps out of the car*_  
**SNAKE:**...? Cool. :_::Steps out and leans on Otacon's car:::_  
... What the hell am I doing here?  
:_::Car suddenly breaks down:::_ Uhh... I didn't do that.  
**OTACON:**u-U _*bonks his forehead*_ Never mind. Just come on. _*leads him inside a little freelance doctor's office type building* ... *goes to tell the receptionist they're there and gestures for Snake to have a seat, one other patient is there, waiting*_  
**BAD RONALD:** Hi. I'm Bad Ronald. I don't know my real name and I am an ex-FoxHound agent. I want to kill... NO! I like myself, I like myself, I like myself, I like myself... _ :::Drones on and on:::_  
**OTACON:**_*on other side of room, talking to the secretary* ... *fixes glasses* _ Hal Emmerich and, uh ... Dave...? o-O¬ Uh... 4:00...  
**Lady at the Desk:** Oh, yes. You can go in shortly.  
**OTACON:** Uhm. Thanks.  
**SNAKE:** _*To weird guy in waiting room* _You like yourself?  
**BAD RONALD:** Not really. I want to slice my wrists and shoot myself with a shotgun Hemingway-style, but I can't tell my psychiatrist or she will use shock therapy on me again! :_::Cries:::_  
**SNAKE:** Shock therapy? On someone as sad as you? Cool...  
**OTACON:**_*Walks over to Snake, sits down beside him, looking warily over to Ronald* _ Roger, Reginald... err...?? You're still here?!  
**BAD RONALD:** For the last time, my name is Bad Ronald! And yes, I'm still here. A gunshot to the cheek won't stop me!  
_:::To Snake:::_ I tried to kill myself, but I chickened out and moved the gun when I pulled the trigger.  
**SNAKE: ** Cool! Maybe I'll try that! _:::Pulls out SOCOM::_:  
**OTACON:**_*stands and grabs at Snake's gun* _What are you doing?! Put that away!  
**SNAKE:**But I wanna shoot myself so I can be like Ronald!  
**OTACON:** _*slaps himself in the forehead* _ Oh my God, you're easily influenced.  
**Lady at the Counter:** --Em-eri-chuh.... uhh....? The Doctor will see you.  
**OTACON:** It's Emmerich! _ *turns to Snake*_ Great -- come on. Maybe I can get you some positive influence.  
**SNAKE: ** Cool. _:::To Ronald:::_ You coming?  
**BAD RONALD: ** Sure, why not?   
**OTACON: ** He can't come with us! This is for you and me. He has nothing to do with you being the biggest pervert on the planet and me hitting you with an anime mallet because of it--- _*pauses wondering if that made sense, then continues* _...! o-O¬ He can't come!  
**BAD RONALD:** _ :::Cries:::_  
**SNAKE:** Hey! You made him cry! I want him along so I can hear his story... I'm tired of hearing you complain about Emma and your dad and your step-mom... It makes me want to screw Emma more and more.  
**OTACON:**Urrg!! --- Fine, whatever! _ *Goes down the hall and opens the office door slightly, the Doctor is with a patient still... Their backs are to them* *whispers* _She's with someone. _*peeks back through door* _ I'm gonna watch.  
**DOCTOR: ** So uhm..._ *Looks at her notes* _ ... Mr. Rollins. I've only been with you for a few minutes and already I can tell that you... quite frankly, are not fit to live. ... And you're writing... _*Twists face*_ Makes me want to projectile vomit. SO! _*Pulls out a cattle prod* _ My suggestion to you is to @#$% yourself up the ass with this cattle prod on maximum voltage and throw yourself out of my 6th story window..._ *sigh* _ I would have more to say, but this is Border-line PG-13 as it is, I don't want to break the envelope.... Now! _*Puts the cattle prod in his hand*_ Get to it!  
**GUY: ** _*Mr. Rollins, after some pestering from the Doctor does so, and throws himself flaying and screaming from the window, Just as a person wearing a shirt that says "Psycho Snake Rules" on it walks by and is crushed by the falling person* _  
**DOCTOR:** *_leans out the broken picture window looking down at the mess on the street* *Gives them a faux-forlorn moment of silence as the wind blows through her red hair, then she turns back to the door, shouts* _ OKAY! YOU CAN COME IN NOW!!  
**OTACON:** _*peeks in further, paled* _.... ............ ........ .....?  
**DOCTOR:** _*Change of mood* _Ah! Hal!_ *Leaps over to him* _ Hal! I'm so glad you came today! Did you bring the Evil One?? ^_^  
**SNAKE: **Yeah, he brought in the Evil One... _:::Clarity::: _ HEY!  
**DOCTOR:**_*Looks up at Snake* _ Ahhh...! You~~! Hmm... _*bounces around him, looking him over anime style* _ A little shorter than I imagined, a little scruffier too. Though the mullet is perfect. The weapons, too. Though I don't approve. _*pulls his guns off of him, and drops them in a box in the corner marked "WEPiNS"*_ Alright. Sit down, shall we?  
**SNAKE:**Okay. ::_:Sits down, Bad Ronald takes the chair next to him::_  
**OTACON: ** _*Sits down on the couch as the doctor picks up her note pad and sits in her chair*_ ... Uhm, Doctor--  
**DOCTOR:** _*an attempt at being sexy* _Please, call me Tess.  
**OTACON:** Right, uh, Tess... We're here because, well. I think, that for partners, we should get along better than we do.......  
**SNAKE:**No, it's because Otacon's a wimp and he never gets the girls, so he's trying to pick you up. :_::Smokes:::_  
**DOCTOR: **_ *excited* _ He is???  
**SNAKE:**Yep.  
**OTACON:**_*Blanches, blinking* ... *looks to the doctor* *looks back to Snake*_ .... Trust me, I'm not.  
**DOCTOR:** .... _*glowers, but snaps out of it when they look over at her* _... SO~! Let's get to it, _shall we_?  
**SNAKE:**Uhh... okay. The problem is... Otaco a wimp and he refuses to accept the fact that I know the finer points of picking up women... Plus, his hentai affection is disturbing.  
**OTACON:**I don't watch Hentai~~!_ *blushes* *quietly* _ _Most of the time! _... Besides. This is coming from a man who gets off on Cardboard boxes! (  
**SNAKE:**...! At least I can feel them and touch them! You just use your hands! OW... damn paper cuts..._ :::Rubs groin:::_  
**OTACON:** What are you talking about......_*trails off realizing*_ Oh my god... o_O ECCHI~~~!!!!!  
**DOCTOR:** _*Scribbles on her note pad* _... Hmm... this is good. Let it all out. Keep talking.  
**BAD RONALD:** ... I like myself!  
**SNAKE:**What? It's perfectly normal ... according to the Big Sexy Book Of Big Sexy Cardboard Boxes ... so shut your cake-hole!  
**OTACON:**..... _*hem* _ See what I have to put up with....??  
**DOCTOR: ** _*Looking out the broken window*_ .... Not in the least. I was watching that sparrow. What were you saying?  
**BAD RONALD: ** I can sympathize with you, Otacon... I mean, the voices in my head and those little green hot-dogs that talk to me at night... _:::Shudders::: _ I know how you feel.  
**OTACON:**What are you talking about?! Snake, finally someone more utterly RANDOM than you are~~! *_Exasperated at this point* _ WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?!  
**DOCTOR: ** ... Babbling like a psychotic.  
**BAD RONALD:** _:::Sniff:::_ If you have a problem with me, I can leave. _:::Low lip trembles:::_ It's no problem to me, I mean... I'm probably making you uncomfortable while I need to feel needed... _:::Face scrunches up::: _ I can leave right now if you want, it's not like I'm anyone important...   
**OTACON:** _*struck deeply by this* ._.... I'm sorry. You can stay....  
**SNAKE:**YAY! :_::Bounds back to the chair and smiles happily::: _ I can't wait to hear what you guys have to say, so I can tell you my horrible, horrible, suicide-inducing past!   
**OTACON:**Okay, but me first. ^_^  
**SNAKE:** My story's more exciting! It has booze! It has girls! It has PSTD!!!   
**OTACON:** Well, mine has girls, too. And Bipolar disorder... And, uhm, exploding cows. u_u  
**SNAKE: ** ... But.. but... it has you peeing in the locker!   
**OTACON:** Both of our stories have that!   
**SNAKE: ** ..Oh.   
**DOCTOR:** Alright, Hal, why don't you go first, then Snake can tell his story.  
**OTACON: ** 'Kay. ^_^ Well, ya see, it all started when I was really little and my mother died. So my father married this woman named Julie with a little girl named Emma... ::_Commences to tell his story uninterrupted, for further details see "PARROTS" and "Shadows" by Otaku Tess:::_ .... And the next thing I knew, pieces of Cow were everywhere. And that's my story. _ ::nod::: _  
**SNAKE: ** ... So...   
**DOCTOR: **_::Snore:::: _  
**SNAKE: ** HAAAHAHAAHA! Lookit, that Otacon! You're boring, watch how a real storyteller does it! :_::Reaches in to wake up the doctor:::_  
**DOCTOR:** Wha--? Wha--?? _::Sits up::: _..! It was medicinal! I have a permit! I'm a doctor, I ---- Oh, it's only you! _ ::nervous laugh, sweat drops::_ Heheheh!  
**SNAKE: **:_::Pauses::: _ Oh.. damn. Mission failed.   
**DOCTOR:**_ ::looks around a second:: _ Sorry, guys. I was testing out these sleeping pills. _ ::rattles a bottle of pills:: _ I guess they don't work very well, huh?   
**SNAKE: **_ :::Slinks back in chair::: _ They should have.   
**DOCTOR: ** What were you doing, Evil One?   
**SNAKE:** Erm... nothing. Just... trying to "Wake" you up. Um... in... my way. Yeah.   
**BAD RONALD:** HAAHAHAHAAHAH, He was trying to have sex with you while you were sleeping there! HAHAHAHAHAAH!   
**SNAKE: **What the hell?   
**DOCTOR:** ....! AHHHGGGG!! RAPE!   
**OTACON:** _::slaps his forehead::_ If I had a dollar for everytime I heard that when I go somewhere with Snake....   
**SNAKE: **No, no, it's not like that! _ :::Turns to Ronald:::_ You damn bastard!   
**BAD RONALD: **:_::Freezes up::: ... ::Whimpers and starts crying::: _  
**DOCTOR:** Ooh! I know you, Evil One! I know what this poor soul has to go through! _::points to Otacon::: _ He would have 125 dollars and 5 cents! ... _:: pauses::: _I make it 126 dollars and 5 cents. But anyway!  
**SNAKE:** ...   
**DOCTOR: **So. I'm gonna give Hal some more Zoloft, and Snake, I'm gonna get you some Ritalin. _:: Takes out note pad and writes up prescriptions:::_ Oh yeah. And Hal, I'm gonna ask that as a side project Snake teach you how to be a little more assertive... u_u_ ::gives them the prescriptions:_: And Hal?   
**OTACON: ** _::Arms folded::_ Dare I to ask what?  
**DOCTOR:** _::Absently, writing on note pad::: _Have him get you in shape, too dear? I like skinny guys, but not THAT skinny. Get a little CUT, would you?   
**OTACON: **_ ::Blanches:: _I didn't come here to be insulted. o_O I can get that at home.   
**SNAKE:** Yeah, from me!  
**BAD RONALD: ** Maybe you two should try to see how you're like in each other's eyes.  
_::Everyone gives him funny looks:::_  
Umm... I mean, just try to walk in each other's shoes for one day. Like, try to see how you make the other guy feel by trying to be him in one day... you know?  
** DOCTOR:** Oh, Ron! How could I forget about you? _::takes out a Tazer::_ You get this Tazer! ^_^ _::Zaps Ronald with it::: _..! There! But, that really is an excellent idea, so, you do what the crazy man says! Now, buh-bye! :_::Shuffles them out, giving Snake his weapons back:::_ Hal, remember. I'm here whenever you need me. _::wisper:: _For whatever you need me for. :_:winks::_  
**OTACON: ** ...Eeeh! O_O :_:exits quickly::: _  
**SNAKE: ** _:::To doc:::_ ...You like that guy?   
**DOCTOR: ** _::looks at Snake as though he's a few sandwiches short of a picnic then shoos him out:::_ Ah... Hal, you beautiful gangly genius you. hmm.... _ ::: takes some unmarked pills out of her pocket and swallows them::: _ ^_^ Heehee.... hmmm....  


**  
To be continued.....  
At long long last.  
**


	20. FanFic Actors Guild

_Disclaimer- I felt it was about time I did a disclaimer again. Blah blah. Snake and Otacon and MGS, et. al. don't belong to me or Bad Ronald. In fact, they're all © Konami and Hideo Kojima. Now, isn't that special? HOWEVER, Zealous Boar is © Tessa Cox, and Xel is © Xel-Chan.... ^_^_  
  
  


**"The Daily Lives of Snake and Otacon"  
**  
_By: Otaku Tess and Bad Ronald  
With a little help from: Xel-Chan_  
  
  
_If you were confused.... FFAG = "FanFiction Actors Guild" ^_~   
I made that up just now. Isn't it cute? Doesn't just work on so many levels.... *Ahem* anyway.   
  
Oh, and please welcome our most specialest guest with her obscene amount of special guestedness.... *drum roll* ....  
**X E L - C H A N !!!!!**_  


  
  
**  
OTACON:** _*enters from kitchen area to where Snake is laying on the sofa*_ Great News, Snake!  
**SNAKE: **_:::Burp::: ... :::Keeps on watching General Hospital::: _ No!!! She's a bitch, don't go near her!  
**OTACON:** SNAKE! _*Whaps him with the Want Ads section of the Newspaper, then drops it on him*_ Read that. _*smiles proudly, fixes glasses*_  
**SNAKE:** _:::Picks up newspaper and reads:::_ WANTED: A volunteer for taking it up to the max for... GAY PORNOGRAPHY!? .....  
**OTACON:** NOT THAT ONE!! _ *blushes, Points out the correct Artical*_ That one... See? "FanFiction author in need of two sexy male Video Game characters to Star in up coming Story." ^_^ *grin*  
**SNAKE:** .... _:::Reads:::_ Hmm... Of course, I'll get it, since I'm so sexy... now you... _:::Looks Otacon over::: _ ...I'm not so sure...  
**OTACON:** Hey!! _ *strikes an anime pose, peace sign*_ I'm 100% sexy! -- Studies show! ^_~  
**SNAKE:** ..... _:::Drinks Tequila:::_ Well, just a little... ...! What the hell am I saying?! :_::Flings Tequila down on Otacon's new rug, making a mess::: ._..whoops?  
**OTACON:** ....That is coming out of your salary when we get this job! NOW!_ *grabs him by the ear*_ Come on, auditions are, like, NOW. _ *Drags him out the door to the car*_  
**SNAKE:** OW! Dammit! _ :::Slaps Otacon's hand off::: _...I wanna drive.  
**OTACON:** _*whimpers*_ Ouch. *_cradles wounded hand*_ Sheesh man, that hurt. I guess only dumb people can make things smart. _*chuckles at his lame joke* _ Ehr... _*gets in front seat* _ -- And, NO. You can't drive. _*Has gotten in on the wrong side*_ Do'h! _ .... I hate when I forget I'm not in Japan.  
**SNAKE:** HAAA HAA! _:::Snatches Otacon's keys, turns the car on, and slams on the gas::::::CRASH!!!!::: ... :::Looks at the garage door and winces, Realizing that he forgot to put the car on reverse::: _ Whoops... heh.  
**OTACON:** O_O _*twitches angrily for a moment, then sighs in defeat* _ ... I'll be happy if we get there in one piece... Just drive.  
**SNAKE:**_ :::Smirks, then drives out of the garage and into the street, speeding above the limit the whole way:::_  
**OTACON: **AHH!! _*Shouts hysterically / frantically*_ Hands on the wheel eyes on the road! Hands on the wheel eyes on the road! Hands on the wheel eyes on the road!!!!! Foot off the GAS!!! -- _*sarcasm*_ Oh, and... I DON'T KNOW... It might be a good idea to STOP at the red light...?!  
**SNAKE:** _:::Hands not on the wheel, eyes not on the road, foot placed firmly on the gas::: ... :::Drinks whiskey, staring outside the side window the whole while::: _Hmm? What?  
**OTACON: **_*Gets out a piece of paper and scribbles out his last Will and Testiment*_ I, Hal Emmerich, being of sound mind and body, do hereby leave my Anime Collection to .... _*Long pause*_ ... _*looks to Snake*_ ... What a time to realize YOU'RE my only friend!  
**SNAKE: **Huh? ...! Oh, I'm driving, aren't I? :_::Throws Whiskey over shoulder and puts hands on the wheel, eyes on the road::: ... :::Eyes are suddenly distracted, stares at a hot girl passing by in a Corvette:::_ ...! _:::Passes the Corvette, and, desperately, tries to look out the window to keep his eye on the girl:::_ Whoa....  
**OTACON:**_ *Leans over and Grabs the wheel* _ O_O ...!!!! _*Then... Spots the girl as well*_ ... You said it.... o_o _*Car crashes through a wall, a wall that happens to belong to the building they're supposed to be in* _ AHHHGGG!!!!!  
**SNAKE:** Ow....! Hey, cool... _:::Steps out of car and looks around::: _ ...I gotta pee. _:::Goes on the side of the building and unzips:::_  
**OTACON: **_*gets out, dusts off the debres*_ Hello? _ *looks around room* _ Sorry about the wall! ... Uhh? ... We're, uhm, here for the job...?  
**XEL:** _*just dismissed an irate Cloud and Sephiroth... turns around at the voice and beams* _YOU!!  
**SNAKE:** :_::Pees:::_ ....  
**OTACON:** _*Points to self* _ ... Me? ^-^?  
**SNAKE:**_ :::Keeps on peeing on the side of the building::: _ AAaaahhh.... Such a good time to let go...  
**XEL:** _*bounces over to him, standing on her tiptoes to look closely at his face, unaware of Snake* _Yes, you.... Hal Emmerich... I'm such a fan... 3  
**SNAKE:** Aaaah.... OW! OOOWW! Dammit, my clap keeps acting up... _:::Keeps on peeing:::_  
**OTACON:** ^_^ _ *Rubs back of neck* _ Ehehe, thanks! Er... My friend is peeing-- I mean coming -- I mean he'll be in here shortly... Er... _*fixes glasses, blushes*_  
**XEL:** Wait ... does that mean you brought Snake? _*eyes glitter* _Snaaaaake~! I'm so glad you guys are here---! _*skids to a halt and sweatrains as she sees him*_  
**SNAKE:**_ :::Stops peeing and walks over to the group, not noticing that his fly is open and that the sight is VERY revealing::: _ Hi... I'm Snake, nice to meet you. _::Sticks out hand, also not realizing that there are little splatters on it:::_  
**XEL:** o.o ...You know, I love you, but not THAT much._ *backs away*_  
**OTACON:** _*pokes head out the hole in the wall* _ I would have warned you.... _*sweatdrop* *Grabs Snake's ear again, and pulls him inside, leaves the girl outside*_  
**SNAKE:** OW! What? What?! _ :::Glares at Otacon:::_  
**OTACON:** _*straightens him up* _ Would you PLEASE behave?? We need the money for this! Geeze, you're so disgusting! And Zip up you're pants!  
**XEL:** ....... Ahem. _*follows, then runs up to Otacon's side* _Onto business. I'm Xel. ^.^ I'll be your director.  
**SNAKE:** Cool. _:::Remembers that his pants are unzipped::: _ ...! _:::Zips up pants, chuckling nervously:::_  
**OTACON:** _*holds out hand politly*_ Nice yo meet you, Xel.   
**XEL:** _*swoons*_ I can see the chemistry between you two is already great... Your characters will compliment each other nicely. ^-^  
**OTACON:** ¬_¬;; _ *looks back to Snake* _ Please forgive him... He's a little... er... disoriented. He's really upset about -- uh -- Laura from "General Hospital," she's his favorite character. And that Doctor with the bad Australian accent is hitting on her again and-- _*realizing What Xel Said* _--- Say what?  
**SNAKE:** Well, yeah, we're friends... But I don't hang out with this dork. At all. I mean, I have my own house and I just came here on business.  
**OTACON:** Heheh. ^-^;; Don't listen to him. We hang out all the time. He sleeps on my couch. _*Gives Snake a goofy / friendly side hug* _ Isn't that right, Snake?  
**SNAKE:** Dammit, Otacon, shut up! _:::Turns to Xel-Chan::: _ He's been smoking pot. Please forgive him. _:::Claps Otacon roughly on the back, making Otacon's glasses clatter to the floor, Otacon gives him a dirty look, and is about to retrieve them when...:::_  
**XEL: **_*glomps him, much to Otacon's surprise, Then let's go and turns to squint at Snake* _ Now, now... I know your type. You're just afraid of showing your true feelings. ^^  
**OTACON:**_ *picks up his glasses*_ He's my best friend. He really is. _ *Smug grin at Snake as he puts his somewhat crooked glasses back on*_  
**SNAKE:** ... _ :::Says nothing, but continues to glare at Otacon for revealing Snake's private life:::_  
**XEL:** -^___^-  
**SNAKE:**_ :::Burps in Xel's face, not knowing that this is rude:::_ 'Scuse me.  
**XEL:** T_T You're lucky I like the smell of tequila. --ANYWAY! Down to business... _*ahem*_ Now, just to show you two I'm not completely inconsiderate... Just how much are YOU two willing to put into this?  
**SNAKE:** I don't know... a lot?  
**XEL:** :D You know just what I like to hear, Snake-sama. 3  
**OTACON:** Uh... Well...  
**SNAKE: **_:::To Xel:::_ Heh heh ... and then, later on, you and me can--  
**XEL:**_ *glitters!*_  
**OTACON: **_*Bonks Snake in the head, cutting him off*_ Don't you dare!  
**XEL:**_ *looks crushed* _Oh, but he IS really more my type... _*gestures to Otacon*_ Don't take it personally or anything... ^_^  
**OTACON:**_ ... *blankly, in awe*_ I'm you're type...? _ *looks to Snake*_ Too bad I don't have a thing for Jailbait... _*Snorts*_  
**SNAKE:** Mmp! _:::Rubs head:::_ Well... when do we start?  
**XEL:** Mmm... right now? _*looks hopeful*_  
**SNAKE:** Sure. We'll do whatever it takes.  
**OTACON: **I was gonna say... -- I mean... I'm not so sure that I'll do anything... Er... I mean, I'm pretty opened and all... But...  
**XEL:**_ *beams happily and skips into the depths of the studio, not listening at all*_  
**OTACON:** Er... _*sigh* _AAAND.... you're not listening. _*follows*_  
**SNAKE: **_*follows as well, while talking to Otacon* _... Otacon, what are you talking about? First you were complaining that you needed the money, now you're having second thoughts?! You're hindering my chance to get laid! _ :::Looks at Xel::_: Err ... did I say that out loud?  
**OTACON:** Yes, Snake... You did. ... --- But I don't think that agreeing to ANYTHING would... _*Gets a look from Snake* *siighs* _ Oookay. Whatever. Whatever the job requires. -- I mean, she's basically a little kid, how hard could this be...?  
**XEL: **_*fortunately already out of earshot, didn't hear either of their comments..._*  
**SNAKE: **......Whatever. _ :::Keeps walking, keeping his eye on Xel's receding ... back:::_  
**XEL: **_*muffled* _In hee~eere!  
**OTACON:** _*follows* _ Alrighty~ee. ^-^ how does this work???  
**SNAKE: **_:::Snorts at Otacon:::_ Hmph. ::_:Walks in:::_: ...You're not exactly "quivering in anticipation", Otacon...  
**OTACON:** ... "Quivering?" ...? O_o?  
**SNAKE:** Well, yeah. We'll earn some STRAIGHT cash, for once! Oh, by the way... _:::Hands back Otacon's wallet:::_  
**XEL:** _*the room is furnished simply, a desk in one corner, a bed in another, a table in the center, lights low* _Well... I don't wanna control you... Just interact, I guess? ^___^  
**OTACON:** Interact? _*laughs*_ Give us something to go on...  
**SNAKE: **Ok... now? ------ Or... now?  
**XEL:** And well see what happens..... _*a lecherous, slightly crazy look*_  
**SNAKE:** .... Ooh, I like that look.   
**XEL:** I _bet_ you do. 3  
**OTACON:** I mean, nobody wants to see us interact... _*ironic pause*_  
**SNAKE:** ...? The hell are you talking about, Otacon?  
**OTACON:** What?  
**SNAKE:** We're the most hated and loved VG characters this side of Super Mario Brothers!   
**XEL:** That's why you're here though! So DO IT ALREADY.... T______T  
**SNAKE: **Uhh ... okay. Are you gonna write? Or direct? Or ... whatever?  
**XEL: **When you give me something to write about... _*sticks her tongue out in a distinctly Emma-ish way*_  
**OTACON:** Er... Alright..... _*looks at Snake, not a very good actor, partly because he feels foolish* _ So, Snake? _*gives him a doapy "attaboy" shoulder punch* _Howzit goin?  
**XEL:** -_- Hal-kun... act normal._ *whips out a pen and a pad of paper and perches in the corner*_  
**SNAKE:**_ :::Takes Otacon's punch as an insult and punches him back, HARD::: _ I don't know, how about you?! _:::Venomous look:::_   
**XEL:** Ooh, coercion. 3 _ *scribbles*_  
**SNAKE:** Say what? :_::Scratches head:::_  
**OTACON:** O_O _*Jolted backwards by punch*_ Ouch.... _*rubs injured arm looking at him with quiet anger*_  
**XEL:** Noooo~thing. Don't mind me... Pretend I'm not here! :D  
**SNAKE: **Ok. _:::Grabs Otacon and does a pathetic attempt to act normal::: _NOOGIE! :_::Painfully rubs his knuckles on Otacon's head::: _  
**OTACON:**_ *Scrambles away, and pauses, Still clutching his arm and glaring at Snake venemously*_ ....You're lucky I don't have my mallet, loser!  
**XEL:***sweatdrops* Well, it's a start.....  
**SNAKE: **Hey, you're a loser, too!   
**OTACON:**_ *shudders*_ _9 Oy Gavalt! _*sighs, looking to Xel* _ This isn't working. Maybe if you told us what you want?  
**SNAKE: **... _:::Looks at Xel, then smirks::: _ How about something involving you and me...  
**OTACON:** I mean, do you want "beating each other up" natural? Or "destroying Metal Gear" natural? Or "Snakes a big dumb pedophile" natural? .... Birthday suit natural? WHAT?  
**XEL:** O_o ...All right, you want direction? _*stops to ponder* *perks*_ Birthday suit natural works._ *grins!*_  
**OTACON: **_*blanches*_  
**SNAKE:** ... Pedophile? Hey, shut up! ~~Emma isn't THAT young! --Birthday suit natural?  
**OTACON:** I can see Snake is a little slow on the up take... But he did eventually catch up with the rest of us.  
**XEL:** Indeed._ *leers*_  
**SNAKE:** ... Whatever, just give us the directions...  
**XEL:** I thought I just did...._ *innocent*_  
**SNAKE:** What the hell is a birthday suit natural? What is a birthday ... oh...  
**OTACON:** _*folds arms, convinced he's the only one in the room that's not completely insane*_ ... My clothes stay on....  
**SNAKE:**_ :::Glances at Otacon, then glances at Xel:::_ Well, you and I can wear our birthday suits...  
**XEL: **_ *stares at Otacon*_ But that's what this was all about...!  
**OTACON:** ... What this is all.... about.......  
**SNAKE:** ...? What, surely you jest, Otacon. I mean, this can't be a yaoi episode? Right? ...Right? ...  
**XEL:** ^_^ You didn't think I was just a Mary Sue, did you? Now let's cut out all the feudin' and a-fightin' and get down to some lovin'. 3  
**SNAKE:** Lovin'? I thought the only lovin' around here was gonna be between you and me...  
**OTACON:**_ *blanches, world around him utterly Shatters*_ .... So..... if we don't ... then you don't.... And err.... _*the rest of his "speach" becomes unintelligible psycho babble that carries on under Snake's and Xel's conversation*_  
**SNAKE: **So ... what do I do?  
**OTACON:** _::Continues sputtering:::_ O_O;;  
**SNAKE:** Violate Otacon or something? Rape him?  
**XEL-CHAN:** That's the idea! _*titters*_  
**SNAKE:** Do it against his... Oh. Well... I don't...   
**OTACON: ** Moo!  
**SNAKE: **Okay, sure. ...Actually. I don't... I am strangely at a loss for words...  
**XEL-CHAN:** Well, I wouldn't say rape him ... especially after that whole glut of distasteful -- eh?  
**OTACON:** Beebopsheewaaah! These aren't the droids you're looking for! Look at me! I'm the king of New York! This is what happens when you FIND A STRANGER IN THE ALPS!  
**SNAKE:** So this IS a Yaoi fic?  
**XEL-CHAN:** *_eyes Otacon* _What's with you, Otaku Lite?  
**SNAKE:** What the hell is an Otaku?_ :::Scratches head in confusion:::_  
**XEL-CHAN:** ^-^ He'll tell you during pillow talk.  
**SNAKE**: ...  
**OTACON: ** I'm filled with chocolatey goodness. ^_^ _:::has gone to his Happy Place:::_ I am the Lizard King! You say Salmonella, Chickens in my house tonight! It's Obi-Won! He's holding me BACK!  
**SNAKE:** But... I don't really swing that way!  
**XEL-CHAN: **Hm... well, I might consider rewarding you for your patience.. _*winks*_  
**SNAKE:** Hmm... ...! _ :::Gets the hidden meaning::: _ OH! ....Erm... -- I dunno... It's up to Otacon here if he's willing to _take it_.  
**OTACON:** I think it's 'bout time we blow this scene! Get everybody and you're stuff together! Okay! 3 ... 2. ..1 -- Let's Jam! ---_ ::pauses::_: Hey, Snake, do you ever feel like a pink bunny?? 9_9  
**XEL-CHAN:** _*studies Hal*_ ........ Hmm... _*peers* _....._ *pulls out the last Cowboy Bebop DVD and waves it in front of his face*_ Hal, honey...  
**SNAKE:** What the fu-- what -- Otacon-- wha-- what are you--- what are you implying-- no, umm ... what?  
**OTACON:** Spiku?  
**XEL-CHAN:** Wake up, dear. *pats him*  
**OTACON:**_ ::shakes head to snap himself out of it::: _ Wah~! He~LLO!  
**SNAKE**: What the hell is that? _ :::Points to DVD:::_ Some gay flick?  
**XEL-CHAN:** Maybe I can hypnotize him to think you're Faye -- ah, nevermind, he's up.  
**SNAKE:** You know, for motivation? ... What...? Shed some light here, please?  
**OTACON:** Cowboy Bebop Session six. ^_^  
**SNAKE:** Oh... Cowboys? I knew it was gay.  
**XEL-CHAN:** Ah, it's not important. Big breasted women in hotpants. Nothing for us here. Bah.  
**OTACON:** They're Bounty Hunters.  
**SNAKE:** ...! GIMME! _ :::Lungs for the DVD:::_  
**XEL-CHAN:**_ *drops in in Hal's pants...!* *scrambles for a camera!*_  
**OTACON:** Ahh!! :_:blushes::_  
**SNAKE:**_ :::Doesn't care::: _ GIMME!!!! ::_:Tries to take off his pants:::_  
**OTACON: **_::Reaches to take it out, but is glomped by Snake:::_ WAAH! Snake, you idiot! It's not even Hentai!  
**SNAKE: **BOUNTY HUNTERS! GIRLS WITH BIG BOOBS! I MUST SEE! :::Stops for a moment, holding Otacon's pants:::  
**XEL-CHAN: **_*dashes behind a door and shuts it ... it seems that the 'room' is more of a cell -- metal plating, et al* _Hnn....  
**XEL-CHAN: **_*over loudspeaker*_ He has cigarettes and booze! They're in his underwear! Hurry or they'll disappear!!  
**SNAKE:** ...!  
**OTACON:** _::grabs his pants from Snake, standing there in Dragon Ball Z boxers:: _ O_O What??  
**SNAKE:** _::: Lunges for Otacon's underwear:::_  
**OTACON:**_ ::Dashes away_:::   
**XEL-CHAN:** Think I saw a ration too, Snake ... you know how precious those rations are~! _*cackles maniacally*_  
**SNAKE:** _:::Dashes for Otacon::: :::Gets closer:::_  
**OTACON:**_ :: summersaults:::_ Waaah! _ ::Action pose::_ Beware my laptop action---! O_O Murrph! Don't.... Summersault.... in nothing but boxers. o_O  
**XEL-CHAN:** *cameraclickclickclick!*  
**OTACON: ** Eeep.  
**SNAKE: **The hell?! Gimme the beer! And Cigs! And Rations, Oh my! ::_:Runs after Otacon again:::_  
**XEL-CHAN: **_*sets up a Lay-Z-Boy, orders pizza, watches*  
_**SNAKE:**_ :::Pauses::: _ Wait ... do you actually HAVE that stuff down in your boxers, Otacon?  
**OTACON:** No!  
**XEL-CHAN:** _*mutters*_ ...screw the fic. I never finish the damn things anyway. _*munches popcorn*_  
**SNAKE:** ...Oh.  
**XEL-CHAN:** O.O _*grabs the mic* _He's lying! He wants it all for himself!  
**OTACON: ** What! Snake, don't be an idiot! -- o_O_ ::to self:: _What am I saying? That's like telling birds not to fly south for the winter.  
**XEL-CHAN:** Would you believe a woman or HIM?!  
**SNAKE:** ...! _:::Starts to lunge for Otacon, then pauses::_: Wait, he doesn't like that stuff...  
**XEL-CHAN:** ............  
**SNAKE:** ............  
**XEL-CHAN: **Maybe that's what he WANTS you to think!  
**OTACON:** _::hides under the bed::_:  
**SNAKE: **...! _:::Looks for Otacon:::_ I'll get the beer and cigs and rations, you can't hide from me!  
**OTACON: **_ ::Notices a bottle of ketchup::: _Hmmm..... _::shrugs::: ::dumps it out and proceeds to fake his own death:::_  
**SNAKE:** _:::Scratches head::: _Dammit, where the HELL is he? What the hell? _:::Notices the blood leeking out from under the bed:::_  
**XEL-CHAN:** _*squints through the glass* _...? Where is he?  
**SNAKE: **_:::Pulls Otacon out:::_  
**OTACON:** ::plays dead, drips blood::: -_-  
**SNAKE:** ... Hey! Now I can get my beer! _::Reaches for his boxers:::_  
**XEL-CHAN: **O_O HAL~!! _*runs down and unlocks the door* _What have you done to him, you manly beast, you!  
**OTACON: ** _ nurg... _ ::continues being dead::_  
**SNAKE: **_:::Looks in:::_ Hey! Where the hell is my beer, there's nothing there except a hairy worm! ... : _:::Realizes what he's doing:::_ AAAAAHHHH!!!! What the hell am I doing?!   
**XEL-CHAN:** _*takes a pic, then shoves Snake aside and cradles Otacon* _Oh, Hal ... don't you see I LOVED you?!  
**OTACON:** just make it end... -_-  
**SNAKE:** ...I don't think he's dead.  
**OTACON:** I am too! You're not even sad.  
**SNAKE:** If he was dead, then I'd be sad. But I'm strangely not.  
**XEL-CHAN:** _*ignores Snake and WAILS, shoves his face in her chest* _Hal... I'm so sorry ... forgive me...!  
**SNAKE:** _:::Looks under bed::: _ ...!!! Hey! Ketchup! Yum!  
**XEL-CHAN:** ...? _*looks down*_  
**SNAKE: **_:::Takes it out and tries to pour it in his mouth::_: Dammit. Why don't they use squeezable bottles...?  
**OTACON: **_ :::Grins up at her::_  
**XEL-CHAN:** .............  
**SNAKE: **_:::Still tries to drink the ketchup:::_  
**XEL-CHAN:** I am strangely without complaint.  
**OTACON:** Hi, Snake!_ ::stays in her lap::_: ^_^  
**SNAKE:** ...? Oh, he's alive. Oh, well.  
**XEL-CHAN:** No thanks to you... .  
**SNAKE:** ... Me? What did I do?  
**XEL-CHAN:** _*looks back and forth between the two*_ ...  
**SNAKE: **...?  
**OTACON:** Well? Did you get the material you needed from watching us interact?  
**SNAKE:** I hope to God that it's enough. So... _:::Winks at Xel:::_ Do I get my reward?  
**OTACON:** Yeah, do we get paid?  
**XEL-CHAN: **....All right. I'll let you go. *_stares into space*_ Because... I _learned_ that you can't make someone fall in love ... you have to _let_ it happen... *blinks*  
**SNAKE:** ...?  
**OTACON:** .. ...  
**SNAKE:** ... ...I want my Bedsheet Olympics... _ :::Pouts::_  
**OTACON: ** Where are you getting you're morals from, girl?  
**XEL-CHAN:** You just answered your own question! ^.~ :_:Shoves their pay in Otacon's pants:::_  
**OTACON: **What? She's stealing my "A" material.... o_O ... And ... making it ... better. -_-;;  
**SNAKE:** MONEY! GIMMIE!! _ ::Lunges at Otacon:::_  
**OTACON:** Ahhh!_ ::hides behind Xel:::_  
**XEL-CHAN:** _*blocks the doorway*_ You may have your money ... but I'm not letting you go until I get a ki~ss! _*shoves Otacon into Snake*_  
**SNAKE:** ... ...Erm...   
**XEL-CHAN:** Come on, Snake ... think of him as a slightly less hairier woman.  
**OTACON:** Ooph! _::blushes:: ::pulls the money out of his underwear and counts it, puts his pants back on, looks to Xel, looks to Snake::_:  
**SNAKE: **..._ :::Thinks of Emma:::_  
**OTACON:** _:: Thinks of Sniper Wolf::_ _  
**XEL-CHAN:** _*ferally* _This is a girl's club, little man! Now KISS THAT PRETTEH BOI~~!!  
**SNAKE:** :::Gets closer, eyes shut::: Urg....  
**OTACON:** _::Grabs Snake, dips him, and kisses him full on the mouth:::_ _ ... _9   
**XEL-CHAN:** _*suppressing a squeal of inherent fangirlism* *many, many clicks of the camera*_  
**OTACON: **_ ::Drops him abruptly, and turns and leaves without another word:::_  
**SNAKE:** AUGH! _:::Spits::_: Hey, I'm supposed to be doing the dipping! Otacon! OTACON! :_::Goes after him:::_  
**XEL-CHAN:** _::Pats Otacon's butt as he leaves::_ You're a good kid. 3 _*waves and calls after Snake*_ My_ *coughmutter* _fake _*cough*_ number's in his back pocket...! Call me! _*saunters off to call up Vamp and Raiden...*_ Sometimes I really think I should FINISH my fanfics. But hey, this is alot more fun. ^_^  
  
  
  


**Contact us with questions, comments, and requests...  
How did she get on the show?  
It sure was cool how she was on the show.  
Can I be on the Show?  
Stuff like that. u_u  
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